Monday, July 15, 2013

Day 384 - The great wall of ego pt1




I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to step over my limitation and give as I like to receive because I have personalised the goal of whom I give to, where I give only to some when I know I will receive back and not to others because I believe that I have proof that the other will not reciprocate and because of this 'tug and pull', I will not bend and will continue to compete for my right to get what I want, or else I won't give, as I am unable to forgive my past and forgive myself that which I had to give up of myself by programming myself into an automated organism, so that I could survive in this world. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about the illusion that each person carries around as the mask, the image, the presentation they make to the world - more than I care about me becoming whole with myself where all that is being said and done by those in masks has reign and power over me because I do not want to give up my addiction to the programs that I have installed already and that are the construct of my ego, where my addiction is one of comfort because I know exactly what I am getting and can expect of myself instead of truly 'seeing' who I am without the self-definition, without the crutch that i believe I cannot exist as, and so I allow myself to hold onto the illusion of how I have constructed myself because I believe that what I would lose, if I were to let go, is real. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a great sense of resistance that I have no understanding of, but because it is there I allow myself to accept it when in common sense I can equally not accept it because I do not understand it, and see who I would be if I enter common sense into this resistance and let go, which may even show me that which I do not understand at this point, yet I am not willing to let go because have to insist that my ego is more important than me understanding the interactions of ideas and beliefs that have I created as me and that bring about emotions and feelings while I pretend I want to let go of emotions and feelings and when I have the opportunity to venture beyond myself to let go, when I stand in front of myself facing a real test, I hold onto to feelings and emotions.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that only through absolute humility I can let go of the righteousness and the judgements I have build up about another, as these always reflect how I judge myself and in doing so I stop abusing myself and respect myself - equally, all parts of myself - and in doing that I am in the position to treat everyone around me as equals regardless of another's reactions towards me. 

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