Sunday, May 12, 2013

Day 360 - The memory of the broken window pt1 & 2



I am posting this from my personal log of self-forgiveness/self-corrective statements, and thus interrupting the series I have started on human rights momentarily. I have been having a left eye twitch for a few days now. This morning in the shower I put my hand on my eye and asked myself why is my eye twitching? A memory came up that I have already forgiven in the past, in fact several times. 

The memory is about me - I have 6 years of age and am walking home from my grandmother's house which, at the time, was very close to my parents' house. I lived in neighbourhood with lots of children, and on the way back home I came across a bunch of kids standing in front of a house. Curious about what they were doing, I approached them. As I came closer one of the kids turned around and said "she did it". I then realised that everyone was standing in front of the house because there was a broken window.  I said "no, I did not do it!" and started to run towards my parents' house. It was a Saturday, both of my parents were at home. The kids ran behind me like a pack. I rang the door bell and wanted to run upstairs for protection from the children. 

The scene in my head is me standing in the middle of the stair case and the pack of kids below, and my parents above. One of the kids yelled that I broke the window, and I screamed that I did not do it. I turned to my parents in hope that they would protect me - but they did not. My parents did not even listen to me but took the side of the children and accused me of having broken the window (which in and of itself should have been quite a surprise because I was extremely well-behaved and a very quiet, shy child). In this moment, a world came tumbling down within me. The one people in my life, my parents, did not believe me, did not ask me, did not investigate, did not protect me but betrayed me in this moment. I realise that in this moment I programmed myself to feel inferior in a big way, between my peers (the kids) and my parents (authority) I would repeat this scenario throughout my life. I voluntarily set myself up time and again so that I could experience myself in this way. 
.... and here it goes, I stop. 



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that when my parents betrayed me, when I was a young child, where I was accused of breaking the window, my parents were scared of the consequences, and therefore where consumed by their fear and reacted from self-interest instead of doing what is best for all, where they would have understood that I am a small child and I came to them for protection.
If and when I have a situation where I set myself up through expectation that a person is going to do “something” for me, i stop and breathe, I realise the moment i do that and I ask myself the question: what do I need to do here to take responsibility for myself? I then folllow up with actions that answer the question. I commit myself to make myself aware of situations where i rely on someone else to be responsible for me, and stop myself by asking questions and answer the question with appropriate actions. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself in this moment of standing in the stair way with the kids on one side of me and my parents on the other side -  where I expected my parents to back me up, to believe me, to stand in for me and protect me - but because they did not come through and fulfilled my expectations I  then programmed myself to value myself as less than everyone else, who happened to be other children, so in fact my peers, and thus feared everyone else because that is what I learned in this moment from my parents.
If and when I build up expectations about a situation, I stop and breathe, I look at all the angles of the situation and investigate every angle of the situation and make a plan in how I can take responsibility for each angle of the situation. I commit myself to approach every situation from the point of "how can I take responsibility for this situation in every way" and then proceed by putting a plan in action. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have repeated this scenario with my parents, every time when I expected a "support reaction" from my parents and it was not fulfilled, I reacted and solidified the program and belief that my value was less then that of my parents and all other people involved in the situation, and that I must continue fearing others just like my parents do.
If and when create a scenario with my parents where I rely on their "reactions of support", I stop and breathe, I realise that as long as I do not stand equal to this situation with my parents I will not be able to recreate myself with equal value - with value as life in fact. I commit myself to change this situation by stopping all expectation from my parents and reliance on my parents and determine my interaction with my parents through self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a relationship between “my expectation of others in how they stand by me or support me” and “my self-value” where I experience myself as value-less when my expectations are not fulfilled, and this is the mechanism I use to sabotage my Self/Life - where I develop a set of expectations that are unrealistic/demanding/relying on someone else, so that I can then experience myself as value-less when these expectations are not fulfilled. 
If and when I want to engage in this cycle where i create expectation that I use to feel inferior and disapprove of myself to create energetic charges within myself, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to create these expectations and I ensure that this is so by asking myself the question, “what I am doing in this situation? and "how am I taking responsibility for myself” I commit myself to push myself gently to ask these questions before I make a decision and then act it out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used this mechanism to trap myself time and again, and have then resented the people involved because I have not yet taken responsibility to 1) stop expectations directed to others 2) stop blaming others for my experiences 3) act from the point of responsibility (by asking myself questions e.g. what would I do if this situation does not work out)
If and when I fall back on this mechanism because this is how I have existed for most of my life, and because I have defined myself through it, I stop and breathe, I slow myself down and gentle shift to direct myself by engaging myself with questions about the situation in how I relate to the people involved, and only when I have total clarity I act -  and this is how I step out of this cycle. 

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