Saturday, April 27, 2013

Day 345 - What is old is useless because it no longer functions

When I have something in my world that is old, I expect it to no longer function properly. These assumptions are not only in the context of objects, they are also in the context of people. Old people, for example, I do not take them seriously, unless they have a certain authority and are recognised by society. Just like an object I assume that someone old is too stuck in their ways/thinking to be worthwhile my attention. The other day I sat next to an old, wrinkled woman and I noticed how she even scared me, how I did not want to get close to her - her wrinkles, her shaky hands where spelling helplessness and despair for me. She was smiling a lot at me and I interpreted her smiles as insecurities. I realise that within this I am the one who fears getting old because I have accepted that just because something or someone is old, there can be no longer any value to it/them.

I realise that I have been bought by the youth cult, the ever young and glowing people I see everywhere in advertisement, half naked, sexy, fresh and appealing. I have internalised them to the extend that I am rejecting those who have become old because they are used up, they are a threat to the society, they represent a burden that we must take care of. Within my own family, it’s not the quite the same, while I still don’t give old people the same value as younger people, they represent to me a repository of my personal history, my ancestral connections that are preserved in their memory - and that is the value they have for me.

I only realised these beliefs/assumptions recently, before I never even considered old people any further, they were just there, somewhere in the periphery of my life. Perhaps the timely realisation came about because I am getting older myself and at some point I will be in their shoes. Perhaps I am also realising, through walking my process, the myth about wisdom and how it comes with age, and the respect we must give to our elders - all of which is part of the same tradition that keeps the wheels of the system spinning and keeps the status quo of our fucked up world intact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that old people are worthless because I believe that they are stuck in their ways and cannot change and that their so-called wisdom is really the 'height' of their denial - yet, with that, I also reject getting old myself because I fear ending up like them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge old people and to generalise them based on their demon-like appearance and the decay of their body - because I have imprinted myself with the youth cult that is our society- and have decided that 'old' does not fit the 'youth' picture and therefore old people are not relevant as beings or individuals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be in physical proximity of old people because I fear seeing their decaying faces and bodies, and within that I fear seeing my own decay and what awaits me when I am old.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a relationship between age and value, not realising that this is a mind-relationship and does not reflect what is actual reality, in how we can age through walking our process and deconstructing ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached myself to the idea of "potential" and how it is related to youth and that, by contrast, I see no more "potential" in old people and thus no value in their beingness, and therefore limiting and separating myself from humanity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in anger when I look at how the world is fucked up and yet I don't want to take responsibility unconditionally to change myself so that this world can change - instead i blame old people for having created this world. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for old people because I place myself as superior as I believe that I still function perfectly and have potential to create a better world. 


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