Sunday, April 21, 2013

Day 338 - Globetrotter & parental relations - final part

With this post I am ending the series of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Commitment statements that I started on day 324. where I layout the background to the problem that is summarised below.

While writing this series of posts over the last weeks, my father has been diagnosed with cancer and is currently in the hospital awaiting surgery. So this was a timely point for me to walk....

Summary of the Problem:

I, as my program, use my father as a counter balance where I don't have to worry about the consequences of my unstable life style, because I have a way out through his assistance. I fear losing my father because of the balance point he creates within my life which means once that is gone, I have to take responsibility and change myself to stop the unstable-stable dynamic.

The consequence dimension - The reward for self. 

If and when I realise that I come from the same starting point of separation, namely where I just rely on my father to provide me with the necessary support regarding my personal affairs, but yet exist in blame and anger towards my parents, I stop and breathe, I realise that I need to continue to investigate this point until I can maintain my starting point where I have no backchat about relying on my father and I have used common sense to evaluate whether it is necessary to involve him or not. 
I commit myself to keep investigating the point of separation with my parents and the reliance on my father's help in my personal affairs until I can stand free of anger and blame and have taken total self-responsibility.

If and when I realise that I have not taken full responsibility for myself by trading favours for enduring an abusive situation, I stop and breathe, I realise that my responsibility is manifold - in first instance it is me taking responsibility as the adult and stopping my victimisation in my parental relationship, secondly,  it is my responsibility to stop anger and blame regardless of what has happened in the past and third, I take responsibility for stepping out of the family game and treat the situation one and equal to how I would treat any other situation and I stop all guilt, backchat or fear of loss when I do so because I know that I will remain here once I have taken the step....
I commit myself to stop participating as victim and take full responsibility as equal and treat my parents as equal, without fear of loss of having someone 'available' to take care of my personal affairs when needed. 

If and when I have to deal with the current situation and I do not want to see, realise and understand that I am dealing with my self-created relationship, where my mother will mirror back to me the point of dependence and lack of self-responsiblity , I stop and breathe, I realise that this is the consequence in my family situation that I have to walk and I will do so by applying common sense and create a situation that takes everyone into consideration and produces results that are what is best for all. 


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