Saturday, April 20, 2013

Day 337 - Negativity drives my life pt1

Negativity is our default state. We operate from the negative and aim for the positive. I have noticed that my internal conflicts are based on the negative disposition, it's evident in the internal dialog of my backchat: "ah, this is what I want to do, but wait - that's never going to work" - it's the seesaw effect that keeps me enslaved struggling to hold the two dynamics in check and finding a balance to still get done what I set out to do.

I am so used to it, I hardly notice that everything I do results in hard work, because I use negativity to work for the positive. Where is my enjoyment? 

Negativity as the starting point, it has the best of me because like a stone hitting a water surface it creates the ripples that permeate my life and determine my behaviour while I am struggling to escape this negativity - that is, the self-created negativity, where I 'just' accept it as being 'the who I am'. 

I remember well when I was a kid and I was full of enjoyment and wanted to do this and that, and then the answer was consistently "no" from one of my parents. I remember in school when we were drawing for example, and I wanted to draw the way it was fun for me, the correction of how to do draw properly first had to establish that my way of drawing was a "no". 

Today, I have this dynamic internalised where there is the part of me that seeks fulfilment and the negativity that seeks to shut me down, limit me, lessen me - and all in utter self-interest.

The fear dimension - The solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created myself from the starting point of negativity from which I engage in fear  - where I constructed my life coming from the negative and striving for the positive so that I can escape the unpleasant experience of negativity, not realising that as long as there is one polarisation there is always the other polarisation and within that I oscillate between the negative and the positive never getting anywhere, never understanding what I am actually existing as and how I have trapped myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never be genuine in any contribution towards the oneness of the earth because I come from negativity so that I fear that if I don' t strive for the positive, where I have to see all other beings as competition, I cannot create purpose for my life and cannot give meaning to my activities. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have my programmed starting point in negativity, which I fear because of its destructiveness, but instead of facing myself within it, I drown it in denial and overlook my internal struggle. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going into my past because I will have to face negativity as I have nothing 'good' to say about my past, and thus do not want to 'learn' to understand how I have created myself. 


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