This blog is dedicated to a journey of self-investigation. The writings here are considered a "journey to life" because they are the first step in a long process of self-change. A change that can come about through self-honest writing, to look at one's patterns of actions, reactions, emotions, feelings - of the automated thought patterns that continuously flood our minds. The patterns that breed a world in separation where the need to survive overrides all compassion or necessity to understand that we hold the key to creating a better world by changing ourselves. I invite you to read these writings, observe yourself, your reactions, but also see the likeness that meets you here. From this place, when we open up and share the deepest crevices of our minds, we can see, realise and understand that oneness is the foundation of our existence. Yet, to move oneself beyond merely recognising this fact, through writing and living the statements of one's writing, is the journey to life - a journey that stops all our current acceptances and allowances, in how we exist in the world. Then, we can have a realistic starting point to create a world that is best for all - and that is mindless living.
With this post I am continuing the series of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Commitment statements that I started on day 324, where I layout the background to the problem that is summarised below.
Summary of the Problem:
I, as my program, use my father as a counter balance where I don't have to worry about the consequences of my unstable life style, because I have a way out through his assistance. I fear losing my father because of the balance point he creates within my life which means once that is gone, I have to take responsibility and change myself to stop the unstable-stable dynamic. The consequence dimension - The solution I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the consequence of the stability-instablity dynamic in relation to my father, where I have become reliant on him to be my 'catcher' for administrative jobs that I can't manage easily from the multi-country life style that I was living, never considering what would happen if these things: the stable "address" and "running of urgent errands" were taken away from me, and how I would have to become entirely responsible for myself and my considerations in how I lead my life so that all things fit together without having to rely on someone else. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that if I allow myself to not fully take responsibility for myself that I often compromised myself with my parents where I allowed abuse because I could trade the abuse for favours with my dad to keep my affairs going, and step in where i needed someone to do something for me, not realising that this is the business of enslavement within family - and that this not taking 'full' responsibility for my own 'weight', which is then an in-point into other relationships that i operate in similar ways, with expectations and claims, never realising what I was doing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have from this relationship with my parents created the situation that awaits me now, where now my mother and my brother will have the same reliance on me instead of having taken the necessary precaution to create a way to deal with themselves, once my father is no longer around, and in that I have taken on the programming that I have always critisised in my parent's behaviour.