Thursday, April 18, 2013

Day 334 - Globetrotter & parental relations pt11

With this post I am continuing the series of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Commitment statements that I started on day 324, where I layout the background to the problem that is summarised below.

Summary of the Problem:

I, as my program, use my father as a counter balance where I don't have to worry about the consequences of my unstable life style, because I have a way out through his assistance. I fear losing my father because of the balance point he creates within my life which means once that is gone, I have to take responsibility and change myself to stop the unstable-stable dynamic.

The physical dimension - The solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have allowed thoughts of fear regarding my life without my father which manifest in my physical body through pressure in my chest and weight on my shoulders, and that I have not realised that I am creator of these physical symptoms upon my body, not realising that I am also the one who can stop them by stopping my fear of loss of my current life style when there are changes in my family composition where I have to step in and provide support for the remaining family members.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience contractions within my physical body, especially in my lower abdomen, when the thought arises within me how life will change when my father dies and within this experience my knees are weak because I realise that when this happens that I have to deal with the situation at hand, as is, without ifs and whens, that I will have no choice and within this I allow myself to physically paralyse myself and stare into the distance because I do not want to allow myself to stop and breathe and realise that the only thing necessary to face myself in this is my stability within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience self-neglect when I think of what is coming my way when my father is not around anymore and where I just want to forget that I have a body that I have to care for instead of realising that this is an act of self-consumation, a form of self-punishment, as I do not want to participate in my own life because I don't want things to change so that I can live my life as I have always done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry because I fear the moment when I am told that my father is gone and that there is not a thing I can do about it but to accept it, not realising that, once again, even at this point I am only driven by self-interest, not by realisation that the death of one being is equal to the death of another being, whether it is someone I am close to or not. 


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