Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Day 333 - Globetrotter & parental relations pt10

With this post I am continuing the series of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Commitment statements that I started on day 324, where I layout the background to the problem that is summarised below.

Summary of the Problem:

I, as my program, use my father as a counter balance where I don't have to worry about the consequences of my unstable life style, because I have a way out through his assistance. I fear losing my father because of the balance point he creates within my life which means once that is gone, I have to take responsibility and change myself to stop the unstable-stable dynamic.

The reaction dimension - The reward for self 

If and when I create anxiety and fear within myself about my father not being here anymore and me not being able to fathom how to continue and whether I remain save, I stop and breathe, I realise that the relations I have created with my parents are based on feelings and energy where I am delusional about the security these feelings provide. 
I commit myself to stop my feelings and learn to see, realise and understand that my father is a man in this world equal and one to all other men.

If and when I create aloofness within myself about experiencing 'loss of stability'  that I would be faced with when my father dies, I stop and breathe, I realise that only by walking through the consequences I have created for myself will I be able to walk out of my mind. 
I commit myself to push through my resistances and create stability for myself through breathing and making decisions from the starting point of what is best for all. 

If and when I create anxiety and anger within myself when thinking about having to take care of my mother because I believe that she has created her own circumstances, I stop and breathe, I realise that my responsibility entails acting from the starting point of what is best for all, regardless of who my mother is, what she has done or not, as I have to understand that she is an individualised part of the whole and is equal and one to all parts - and with that I am as responsible for her as for anyone else in this world - moreover since i am in her "living" proximity as her daughter, my responsibility is one and equal to her as it is for myself. 
I commit myself to treat my mother as equal and one to all that is here. 

If and when I create anger within myself because that neither my father nor my mother want to discuss what happens when they are gone, I stop and breathe, I realise that there are two parts to this equation, one being my parents and their conditioning about death being a taboo topic, and the other being me and my inability to find a way to open the topic without causing a mega-conflict, whereby I see that I also still fear of having to deal with parental aggression/resentment. Therefore I realise that I can only address this problem breath-by-breath within myself.
I commit myself to stop my mind from wishing and pushing for a solution on this topic within myself and a call for action, and accept things as they are and take one breath at the time. 

If and when I create self-pity and resentment because I believe that my mother and brother will become totally dependent on me I stop and breathe, 
I stop all speculation on this topic and work with what is here. 
I commit myself to stop my 'worst case scenario' character.


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