Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Day 332 - Globetrotter & parental relations pt9

With this post I am continuing the series of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Commitment statements that I started on day 324, where I layout the background to the problem that is summarised below.

Summary of the Problem:

I, as my program, use my father as a counter balance where I don't have to worry about the consequences of my unstable life style, because I have a way out through his assistance. I fear losing my father because of the balance point he creates within my life which means once that is gone, I have to take responsibility and change myself to stop the unstable-stable dynamic.

The reaction dimension - The solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the thought of no longer having access to my father with anxiety and fear because I believe I don't know how my life will continue to unfold and whether i am save in the future without him in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the 'loss of the stability' that my father represents to me with disbelief and aloofness, because I do not want to face the consequences of never having created stability for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the potential future event when I am alone with my mother, without my father, with anxiety and anger because I believe that I do not deserve to have to deal with my mother by myself, and sacrifice my life 'for her' since I judge her for having created her own circumstances, not realising that I, like my mother, have not taken responsibility for many facets in my own life and not considering her history, the fact that she grew up during the war which is something I can't even imagine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to the fact that neither my father nor my mother have ever discussed the circumstances that I will be left with in case my father will die first because I feel clueless and I want guidance, not wanting to accept the reality of my parents inability to talk about death, whereby I do not consider the cultural indoctrination that my parent's generation grew up with, and only reference myself in this matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with self-pity about the situation because I anticipate the worst case scenario and the 'greatest loss' for my own life where I have to give up my life style and take care of my mother and brother as if I was a parent, and resenting this because I see myself as more than the rest of the family.


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