Sunday, April 14, 2013

Day 331 - Globetrotter & parental relations pt8




With this post I am continuing the series of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Commitment statements that I started on day 324, where I layout the background to the problem that is summarised below.


Summary of the Problem:

I, as my program, use my father as a counter balance where I don't have to worry about the consequences of my unstable life style, because I have a way out through his assistance. I fear losing my father because of the balance point he creates within my life which means once that is gone, I have to take responsibility and change myself to stop the unstable-stable dynamic.



The backchat dimension - The reward for self

If and when I listen to my backchat about my father not having had an instructive conversation with me concerning specific tasks that are left for me to do once he is gone, I stop and breathe -  I realise that this is me wanting to control the situation to deal with my fears of failure and/or my fear of facing unsurmountable problems. I commit myself to take all of what I am going to be faced with upon my father's death and deal with it breath-by-breath, in the best possible manner that will take into consideration all who are involved. 

If and when I listen to my backchat about my dealing with my mother after my father's death, I stop and breathe - I realise that I am acting from memory of having to dealt with my mother in the past and having lived through difficult situations not understanding that I have had a part in the experience, where I was reactive and antagonistic towards her, instead of acting from the starting point of equality, which is what I can do now as part of my process, using my tools of self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements. I commit myself to stop all backchat anticipating how I will respond to my mother when my father is no longer to 'catch' all those points that have to be dealt with, and focus on my process, my life, where I take one step at the time with what I will have to deal with. 

If and when I listen to my backchat about the situation when my father is no longer around, where I self-victimise, having to face all the problems and tasks that he left behind for me never having talked to me about any of it, I stop and breathe - I realise that I can stop my resentment and stop feeling pity for myself, and get on with it as I realise that I am not helpless and can systematically break down each task and get it done. I commit myself to stop feeling sorry for myself because it is just a diversion from the things at hand, which keeps me locked in my mind and tackle each task by approaching it in a systematic manner. 

If and when I listen to my backchat about the situation when my father is no longer around and I have to deal with my administration long distance, I stop and breathe - I realise that I can no longer let things slide but that working out alternatives in my head is only fuel for energetic reactions, instead I devote time to figuring out what it is that I have to deal with by writing things out for myself and creating a plan of action accordingly. I commit myself to trust myself to 1) know that I can deal with the situation as I have dealt with similar long-distance situation on my own and all has be handled and 2) organise myself with includes writing out how I will address the various points. I commit myself to be proactive in establishing a routine where I can manage my affairs long-distance. 

If and when I listen to my backchat about the situation when my father is no longer around and the memories and experiences that are related to him come up, I stop and breathe - I realise that I can write myself out instead of feeling the emotions connected to those memories and experiences and use 'them' in my process to walk through the memory. I realise furthermore that I am experiencing fears of loss that I am wanting to cover up through delving into the memories, whereby I realise that all I have to do is bring myself here each time with gentleness and steadfast determination. 

If and when I listen to my backchat about the situation when my father is no longer around where I fret about having to put my own life on the line to jump in and take my father's place in a number of situations I stop and breathe - I realise that the decisions in how I want to deal with the situation will always involve me and in that I have the possibility to determine what is feasible and what is not and what will require me to make adjustments or find solutions so that the situation is also agreeable for me. I commit to trust myself in finding ways of coping with the situation that are OK for me. 

If and when I listen to my backchat about the situation when my father is no longer around and my mother is the topic of my backchat, where I want to prepare the situation so that I feel save, I stop and breathe - I realise that safety is a mental idea and does not exist but instead that there is common sense and in common sense I must assess the situation and act accordingly. I commit myself to decide and act in common sense when interacting with my mother on the situation where my father is no longer around. 

If and when I listen to my backchat about the situation with my father when he is no longer around, and I talk to myself about not being lost, I stop and breathe - I realise that this pep-talk is not constructive because I am merely moving myself into positive energy from the negative, instead of standing in equality, as one and equal to myself and my self-trust. 


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