Saturday, April 13, 2013

Day 330 - Globetrotter & parental relations pt7





With this post I am continuing the series of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Commitment statements that I started on day 324, where I layout the background to the problem that is summarised below.


Summary of the Problem:

I, as my program, use my father as a counter balance where I don't have to worry about the consequences of my unstable life style, because I have a way out through his assistance. I fear losing my father because of the balance point he creates within my life which means once that is gone, I have to take responsibility and change myself to stop the unstable-stable dynamic.



The backchat dimension - The solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to backchat when I consider my father's death and what it would be like when he is gone and how he should have taken my questions seriously concerning certain tasks, instead of denying the reality that one day all those tasks will be left for me. I realise that this backchat is useless in that it will create more of a resistance towards dealing with the situation when it arrives. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create backchat when considering that my father will die and I am left with my mother where I anticipate through my backchat lots of difficulties with coming to an agreement with her, and in my backchat I try out various ways to 'deal' with her, to preempt the worse case scenario, not realising that while doing so I am in my mind and am not functioning for myself, in my life, but rather have diverted myself into the 'virtual' world where only my relationship with my mother exists. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create backchat on the thought of my father's death where I self-victimise because all is left to me since I consider my mother rather helpless within my backchat, and thus I allow myself to feel sorry for myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat going on in my mind when my father is not around anymore, about how I am going to deal with alternative solutions when it comes to making long-distance arrangements, and within that I play out different alternative routes of what I can do, whereby I am unaware of the actual interdependencies of the these alternatives and thus 'operate' in my mind disconnected from reality, which cannot solve the situation.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat going on about the situation when my father is not around anymore where I am telling myself how I am going to deal with all the memories that will come up, not realising that there is no strategy for dealing with this situation but to just breathe and work through the memories in self-forgiveness. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat going on about the situation when my father is not around anymore where I fret about how it will change my personal life and what I must give up to make it work for my mother and brother - not realising that, once again, this is based on speculation as I do not know what the actual circumstances will look like. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat coming up about the situation when my father is no longer around and the fact that I am unable to discuss the situation with my mother at this time, not realising that I want to plan the situation so that I feel save as to what is coming my way. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat when I no longer have the point of stability in my life, represented by my father, where I talk to myself about what to do to not feel lost. 

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