Thursday, April 11, 2013

Day 328 - Globetrotter & parental relations pt5




With this post I am continuing the series of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Commitment statements that I started on day 324, where I layout the background to the problem that is summarised below.

Summary of the Problem:

I, as my program, use my father as a counter balance where I don't have to worry about the consequences of my unstable life style, because I have a way out through his assistance. I fear losing my father because of the balance point he creates within my life which means once that is gone, I have to take responsibility and change myself to stop the unstable-stable dynamic.


The imagination dimension - The solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that the world without my father is going to be different for me and that this 'knowing of a difference' is unknown to me which is what scares me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that when my father is dead I need to sacrifice myself for my mother and brother because they will need me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that when my father is dead, I will have to deal with my mother alone and I anticipate lots of resistance and problems with her to come to agreements in how to do things.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I have to deal with a lot of physical work because my parents have a lot of stuff.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have resistances towards spending time on physically clearing out his belongings because I would rather be doing other things that I value more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine my mother is very attached to stuff and will make it difficult for me to collaborate with her. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that my mother will "lose the plot" and will not take responsibility for her life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I will have to shift how I do my administrative stuff because my father will no longer be there to catch me and therefore I fear having a lot of hassle. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deal with the consequences of my father never having taken responsibility to explain to me how to manage the affairs of the family and that I will have a hard time getting the information together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in anger because my father never responded to me when I asked him to explain to me how to manage the family's affairs, and me not able to deal with his denial, I have not done anything else to get a clue as to what to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that there are consequences that come towards me that are bigger than me, and a total surprise because I did not count on them.

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