With this post I am continuing the series of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Commitment statements that I started on day 324, where I layout the background to the problem that is summarised below.
Summary of the Problem:
I, as my program, use my father as a counter balance where I don't have to worry about the consequences of my unstable life style, because I have a way out through his assistance. I fear losing my father because of the balance point he creates within my life which means once that is gone, I have to take responsibility and change myself to stop the unstable-stable dynamic.
The thought dimension - The reward
I realise that allowing myself to go into a panic state justifies me consulting my father for help.
I commit myself to stop involving my father in my affairs when I come from an emotional starting point where I cannot evaluate if my request for assistance is manipulation or not.
If and when I experience the picture of myself where I cannot move and I feel totally alone, I stop and breathe,
I realise it is through this self-victimisation that I render myself incapable of finding a solution on my own but then swiftly revert to my father for help.
I commit myself to stop victimising myself and look at each situation in common sense, breath-by-breath to see, realise and understand the best possible options to proceed.
If and when I have a picture come up where I experience myself in desperation, I stop and breathe, I realise that by slowing myself down I can stop the desperation and gain access to the memory that lies behind the desperation.
I commit myself to slow myself down and isolate the memory so that I can release the triggers of fearing my father's death.
If and when experience myself in fear about losing my father, I stop and breathe,
I realise that I have to be patient with myself to let go of the suppression and access the memories that have created in the relationship with my father.
I commit myself to stop all haste and urgency of wanting to know, to find out, what lies 'behind' this program - I gentle bring myself here and slow myself down.
If and when I get this sense of darkness and abyss, I stop and breathe,
I realise that clarity is found in making the 'right' choice between bringing myself here or believing the illusion put forward by my automated thoughts.
I commit myself to obtain clarity through stopping my thoughts, regardless of the content that comes up.
If and when I suppress myself by not allowing myself to access the memories that are attached to the relationship I have created with my father, I stop and breathe,
I realise that I must be consistent in stopping my mind and walking my process to eventually retrieve all memories that I used to create myself in the relationship with my parents.