Sunday, April 7, 2013

Day 324 - Globetrotter & parental relations pt1




I recently saw my parents. Upon saying good-bye to my father, he was unusually expressive by giving me a tight hug. This brought up, once again, my fear of loss, in anticipation of the day when my father dies. Once I reflected on my fear by looking at what my father means to me from my mind's perspective, I realised that I consider him a point of stability that has allowed me to explore the world and live across the globe in 6 different countries. I could do this because somewhere in the world there he was - for me. I can count on him for doing little long-distance errands or standing in for some administrative task - even when we did not get along - because in this he is absolutely reliable. During my reflection I realised that what I fear losing is this point of stability because through him I can keep my program of being unstable in my life's affairs.

The Problem: 

I, as my program, use my father as a counter balance where I don't have to worry about the consequences of my unstable life style, because I have a way out through his assistance. I fear losing my father because of the balance point he creates within my life which means once that is gone, I have to take responsibility and change myself to stop the unstable-stable dynamic. 



The fear dimension - The solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my father because my father is a point of stability in my life that I can depend on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear providing stability for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my father because I believe that I have no one to fall back onto if things are rough in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making decisions that will ensure stability in my life and consequence that I can deal with on my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being bored in a stable life style.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider my father's life style boring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear understanding what a stable life style means.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that stability ends my ability to travel and to explore the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not capable to take care of myself without the background support of my father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my father's death creates inconvenience in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my father's death because I will have to step into his place and provide the handling of tasks that he does for the rest of the family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear creating the material stability for myself, where I can no longer escape from myself through mechanisms of self-victimisation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the death of my program when my father dies as this program is dependent on the relationship with my father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the death of my father because then I have to acknowledge my dependence on the world around me and can no longer pretend to be independent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my father's death because I can no longer talk to him and get reassurance that there is one person in the world that will be there no matter what happens.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving myself the assurance that I am here for myself no matter what I face in my life.

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