Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Day 311 - My desire for simplicity is really a corporate policy




I have a tendency to work a lot. More precisely I look to be engaged in such a way where I have to become ‘single-minded’ and all else in my life seems to fade in the background, as I declare the need to dedicate myself to this one thing - for however long it takes. Therefore, subconsciously I have created situations that will put me in such a place where I have to work long hours, learn new skills, and become absorbed in the material to understand it, and I am usually up against some deadline.

This is of course great for academia and corporate culture alike. I have voluntarily programmed myself to support the workaholic culture we live in, the justifications that stem from the acceptance of this situation are the ones we use when asked to change ourselves and change the world: I have no time for this.

When it comes down to it, I can look at it and realise that this program is me not wanting to deal with the complexity of who i have become through all my personalities, and wanting to get away from acknowledging that this is so. As a teenager I wanted to live in a monastery, I was fascinated by that life style, less by the belief in god but the simplicity that monks and nuns lead in their lives was the object of my 'divine' desire.

I wanted this kind of simplicity because I imagined that it would have supported me in dedicating myself to this one activity that I could become really good at and which would, in a way, save me from the world - but really save me from investigating myself.

Of course, I never entered the monastery, but instead found ways to occupy myself with exclusivity using deadlines, hard work and other diverting, yet apparently necessary, activities. "Taking a project and run with it" - is something I am really good at. It is me with a mistaken identity of what it means to be dedicated because I project my responsibility onto a project, to avoid looking at how I have created myself in this life. It's a form of abuse of the creative production to engender a system of harm and suffering, rather than dedicating myself to life.

It is me running away from myself and while I can run, I can no longer hide. I see in my thoughts that this way of thinking is also present in my imaginations and desires, and my attempt to become ever so efficient by structuring my environment with ever more efficiency to only focus on the essentials - the bare minimum, minimising large parts of my expression.

Having said this, I see an urge for control, yet not being able to control who I have become I then control that which I do, and how I do it and how I live it. So basically - a concerted effort with myself to externalise the internal, in an attempt to get away. 


1 comments:

  1. Really interesting, thanks for sharing this, I can relate

    ReplyDelete

 
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