Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Day 298 - Desiring Gratitude pt1



Problem:

I have noticed a pattern that when I see that my partner has achieved a skill that I thought him - say over several months - I desire for him to be thankful. Now, I remember that my mother used to do this to me, she used to express her desire for gratitude indirectly with a blame statement. I entered this game by refusing her my gratitude as i reacted to the blame - and I would react internally to her demands with anger. Similarly, in my relationship I desire gratitude from my partner for having taught him certain skills.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that my partner has learned a skill that I have been teaching him, and to react to this realisation with the desire for gratitude on this part.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when the teaching is over I have nothing else to hold on to and therefore I want to be able to hold on the gratitude that he shows me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that this ‘desire’ for gratitude that i experience are the strings by which we bind ourselves to others, and create obligation and limitation for the sake of the relationship and what this person represents to our lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that having this desire is helping me to see how I have programmed myself in my relationship with my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this program of wanting gratitude negatively because I see that this is me wanting recognition and wanting to have some ego strokes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed my anger against my mother and have a memory exist within me where my mother is blaming me that I do not show any gratitude for her efforts and me having this contracting sensation in my solar plexus area.

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