Friday, March 8, 2013

Day 295 - The One-Day Depression Pattern pt 1



The problem:

Once in a while I have a day where I 'turn' depressed. It may only last one day. I can tell that stopping this pattern that leads to the pattern of depression is like a gateway, wherein I am missing the point of standing up and thus stagnate in the pattern and use "the depressed day" as a cover-up. The problem is that I do not yet understand the pattern that proceeds the depression.

It is as if I try to stand up in a particular point and move myself but I don't succeed and eventually I just give up. Then the depression hits. During this time everything I do becomes heavy and seems like a waste of my time because the outcome of my actions are qualitatively speaking not satisfactory - I am dragging and this reflects in the outcome of what I do.

Once I have entered the tunnel, it then seems impossible to stop my thoughts and me believing in them.

The solution:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get to this dark and bleak mood that I accept as me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot change and that all is a waste of time for me, because I cannot understand, see and realise the patterns that I have created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I continue to trap myself in the future and that my future is full of failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it's impossible to stop myself from going into this depressed pattern as long as I don't understand how to stop my bigger patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search in my mind what I have experienced the day before to find the answer to this pattern instead of walking it in writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this heaviness I experience is real and justified.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself so that I do not need to take self-responsiblity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use self-pity to get attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop myself from changing by giving into my mind and accept thoughts that lead to depression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe in these moments when the pattern comes up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend I don't know what triggers this pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept to face myself and thus use this depressed state pattern to not take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience impatience with myself because I don't have any insights into the pattern.

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