Friday, March 1, 2013

Day 286 - Facial Feedback Loops pt 4



I continue from last post....


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have secret wish, an imagination, in how I would speak about myself to others if I could be completely free and uninhibited.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine the most eloquent and flawless speeches in my head and believe that I can speak them, however when I get into a situation where I could speak to others and I am given the time and space, I cannot speak and express myself the way I imagined it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to admire others who are able to effortlessly and easily convey complex issues by explaining them verbally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have developed my writing skills to compensate for my speaking skills.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed when I speak because I read in the faces of my audience as dislike, boredom and confusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that when I do speak the way I want to, the faces of my audience light up and are interested and curious and want me to speak more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine one day a lot of people are going to listen to me, not realising that I am the one who does not listen to herself and I am the one who condemns her ideas and understanding to not be worthwhile pursuit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I can trust what I say because I say it as lived experience, when in reality I doubt myself and feel insecure about what I say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that writing is my weapon to make up for my failure in speaking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak and afterwards realise how much better I could have expressed what I wanted to express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to listen to me and get disappointed when they are not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself out of this fear of speaking, to want recognition for what I have to say because I cannot recognise what I say my self for my self therefore I want others to do it for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have time-looped on this topic because I did not have enough self-trust to go deeper and into the issue, to release the relationships, and only realise with this series of posts another angle on how I have programmed myself to fear speaking.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to dwell on the memories of when I was a small child and was told to shut up and I imagine how I would have countered the situation, what I would have said because I want to end this self-limitation not realising that this is my mind in retaliation mode because I believe that my parents were abusive to me. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that to be free from this program, I must be equal to myself and the words I speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed when I have spoken and I have judged that what I have said as inadequate and worthless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed and  physically experience a sensation as if my whole body is being sucked into itself and will disappear in nothingness. 

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