Thursday, February 28, 2013

Day 285 - Facial Feedback Loops pt 3






I continue from the previous post...


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, when I am in conversation with someone, as less than the words I speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the other person who I am in conversation with and have no reference point as of yet about the personality that is most suited to be conversing with this person, and therefore I am insecure because I am trying to figure out how I need to react to the person so that they like me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must react and respond to a new conversation partner with a personality, one that is most suitable for the situation and person I am dealing with, to ensure my survival in the sense that I can have the person on my side and have a potential resource for whatever I might need in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that choosing the right personality is how I must to relate to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory reside within me and hold onto it, where I am a small child and I am not allowed to speak, where my mother tells me to shut up and not open my mouth again, because what I say is shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of my mother reside within me and hold on to it, where I am a small child and I am not allowed to speak, where my mother tells me to shut up and to not open my mouth again because I am a child and I have nothing to say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in anger when I retrieve these memories, whereby I realise that I have suppressed these memories but have instead programmed myself with the belief that I have nothing worthwhile to say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in anger because I have not taken responsibility for the program but remained in the victim role - where I am still living the life of the child that shuts up because the mother said so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself to be embarrassed for what I say because I have created a belief that what I say is shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself with strong emotions within my solar plexus after I have spoken because I fear that what I have said is shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself with strong emotions within my solar plexus after I have spoken and thus seek to speak again, quickly after, to cover up my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself as response to repeatedly being told to shut up that I have nothing worthwhile to say to anyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given up on self-trust because as I child I exchanged self-trust for the belief that what I say is worthless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of myself sitting in the car with my family and my mother talks and when I try to say something, my mother turns around and tells me to shut up and within this situation I am reacting with fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of myself with my family in the car, and me reacting with fear to my mother as she turns around and yells at me to shut up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define worthless, broken, struggle, insignificance and humiliation within the memory of my mother turning around in the car and telling me to shut because what I say is shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from worthless, broken, struggle, insignificance, and humiliation by defining worthless, broken, struggle, insignificance, and humiliation within the memory of my mother turning around in the car and telling me to shut up because what I say is shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that worthless, broken, struggle, insignificance and humiliation are here as me equal and one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory inside of me where I am sitting at the family table eating lunch or dinner, and want to say something and as I speak my mother is telling me to shut up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of my mother telling me to shut up at the table when the all family members are there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of my mother telling me to shut when many of my relatives are present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking in a group because I have imprinted myself with the memory of my mother telling me to shut up in a number of situations, and each time the memory that I have entails the members of my family, therefore others when I want to speak and am told to shut up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger and humiliation each time my mother tells me to shut up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed many words and ideas because I feared that they were not worthy of being spoken.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on speaking because I do not want to face my fear within the belief that what I say does not have value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to shut up because I believed my mother when she said that what I say is useless and stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for excuses, for having programmed myself to believe that what I say is BS, so that I can blame my mother for having abused me as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have imprinted the pictures of my mother telling me to shut up, and have constructed personalities from these pictures, which are the programs I pull out when I am meeting someone for the first time, and I have assessed that this person can be a potential resource in my survival in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an inferiority towards my parents because I depended with my survival on my parents and have therefore programmed myself to cater to my parents so that I can ensure my survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of my mother blackmailing me “if you don’t do that ....you don’t get this” wherein I realise that I programmed myself to believe that if I don’t have my parents support, I have no support and I will die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself as a child with the belief that no one would help me besides my parents, and therefore that I was totally on my own if I needed help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created self-judgement because I believe that this will ensure my survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others as a resource for my survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taught myself to very quickly assess if someone is useful as resource in my survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach people, who I have assessed as having no role in ensuring my survival, in a relaxed manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach those who I deem important in maintaining a beneficial relationship I create internal stress when dealing with that person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  - when I meet someone new, who can be beneficial to my survival - to have thoughts come up which centre on predicting the words, gestures and ideas, that will enable me to fit with the person’s worldview. 

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