Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Day 278 - The effects of physical restraint in childhood





I realised that one of my deep programs is to react to situations where I am being physically restrained. After walking the stressed character which I started on day 233 and walked until day 257, I saw some definite changes when I enter situations that require me to act fast. However, I also saw that whenever someone is physically in my way, there is an instance "panic" I experience.

An example for such a situation is riding to the train station on my bike, and as usual I have to make sure I get there on time. When someone blocks my path, such as another cyclist who cycles in front of me on the narrow cycle path and does not move after I have indicated with my bell that I need to pass, I experience this "panic".

What is interesting is that because I have walked this character over 24 days, I am now in the position to see these deeper levels of stress patterns that I have accepted as me. This particular stress pattern is directly related to my childhood. As a toddler I very much enjoyed running around much to the dismay of my mother. In the end she physically restrained me through a harness. I also had a bed with big metal bars. In response to this situation I created a program which is what I now experience as panic when I encounter situations where I cannot move the way I want to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in situations where I believe I cannot physically move the way I want to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in situations where I need to physically move but believe that I cannot make myself heard to get a response from another so that I can move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in situations where I need to physically move but I cannot effectively communicate with someone because I believe that I am trapped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in situations where I need to move physically and I am unable to receive a response from another, I therefore experience myself as a victim.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react in situations where I judge that my well-being is being diminished by another’s physical actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in situations where I believe that someone is “standing in my way” by generating anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in situations where I judge another’s presence as a threat to my being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of myself being a small child and really enjoying to run around and my mother chasing after me and “containing” me so that I had to stand still when all I wanted was to run around, feeling my legs and spreading my arms.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry in situations where my mother did not want me to run around, therefore she ran after me and held me down with all her might, and me feeling upset and scared because she screamed at me, and told me to stay in one place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of myself as a small child having to wear a harness and every time I wanted to run and feel my legs and arms that harness was jerking me back, and I was reacting with frustration, anger and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of myself as a small child, I am restrained in my crib and i experience myself as physically limited because the metal bars are very high and I cannot get out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated myself from myself in reaction to my parent's physically restraining me, and have programmed myself to panic when I perceive the danger that someone is going to physically hold me back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define danger and entrapment within the memories of my childhood, and all the manoeuvres my mother did to physically restrain me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated myself from danger and entrapment through defining danger and entrapment in the memories of my childhood, and all the ways my mother physically restrained me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of myself as a small child where I am exploring the drawers and cabinets in the house and my mother getting very upset with me and angry, because she does not want me to look into her drawers and cabinets.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory where I am an teenager and experience myself in frustration because my mother keeps her closets and her room looked and me feeling restrained, rejected, frustrated and angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated myself from restraint, rejection, frustration and anger because i have defined restraint, rejection, frustration and anger within them memories of my mother and the physical restraint I experienced in my relationship with her as a child and a teenager.

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