Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Day 231 - Looking over the wall of 2012 to 2013 pt.1



The end of the year and the new year coming is a moment where I realise that somewhere buried inside of me is still this idea that it's a special day, a new beginning, a clean slate and I get a new shot, like a new lottery ticket to try my luck and make things better this year. I realise that this is still a program that surfaces deep from my secret mind  - as I also see the absurdity of the making this one day in the year special over other days, to make a bit more money, to indulge a bit more, to find excuses when looking back on the year that has passed why things did not work out  - and to essentially continue in the same vein all over again. The new year does that just that.  It calms us down momentarily because we realise that what we all have created just continues the way it has with more polarised forces, competitions, emotions and feelings - bringing us ever closer to the edge of an absolute end -  until we stop. 

I stop. I want to take this moment right here and now to forgive myself for the remaining hope I carry inside of me to make things more than what they are, another day, another year, and to solidify my commitment to myself and to all of humanity to continue walking my process - and breathe. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look back on 2012 and sum up the year because the calendar tells me so and because I programmed myself to believe that New Year's Eve is a special time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have automated myself with the belief that last year could have been better and that this year is going to be better than last year. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is no reason to celebrate yet I accept feelings of celebration to come up in form of happiness and a sunny, forward looking disposition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reminisce about the year, and all the memories, like comparing last year's NY Eve with this year's NY Eve. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others who are totally into the whole belief system around NY, and where I believe that I have to engage with them on that level - not realising that my anti-stance is about me not being one and equal with these celebrations. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for the animals who had to suffer through all the 'peng-pengs' and fire cracker bullshit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have honoured NY Eve in the past, as one of my favourite holidays because I wanted to get another chance in improving my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look back on the year that has passed and only remember the events that I judged as good or fortune and play down the importance of events that I remember that I responded to with negative emotions. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for reasons why the year unfolded the way it did. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to measure the success of the year on what I believe I have achieved. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my overall performance of the year within polarisation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am getting a year older 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that things will be getting harder for me  instead of better. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my plans will not pan out. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won't have much time. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I have more luck in getting the things I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I meet just the right people. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I'll have success in the new year. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that there is now a great potential because I have prepared the road for my future. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that process will now be easier. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought of walking into a field of flowers and coming from a field of destruction. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought of being at the start of a running competition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought of closing the door to a dark room and opening the door of a room with lots of sunlight. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought of me floating in the air and being much lighter with earthly concerns. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought where I am sitting at my desk writing myself out all day long. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought that I walk around the world and respond less emotionally to events around me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have hope just because it is a new number with a single digit in the calendar.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought with a deck of cards that shows that I have more chances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat that the last year was hard because I made a transition. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about things not working out the way I planned them. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about having had too many deadlines. 

I will continue with these statements in the next post. 

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