Friday, January 4, 2013

Day 233 - My accepted stress pattern & the resulting personality pt 1




Since I can remember I was urged to move faster; act faster; respond faster - just be ahead of time and get things done. Sounds like I was in a military training camp ...lol. It was the great experience of stress I was taught and accepted as me. As a child I was often scared and afraid of the consequences of not moving fast enough for my mother. And so I have created a stress-pattern that permeates my activities. Within that I have become my mother, I have internalised this behaviour even though I see how rough it is on me - it's a pattern of fear. While the self-forgiveness writings have enabled me to become conscious within the pattern and breathe when it arises, I am still not free of it because the physical reaction is still here and I still get exasperated when interacting with my mother. 


Fear dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking back onto my childhood because I fear reliving the stress I experienced -  when I did not move fast enough and my mother reacted with anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself when I don't move fast enough and judge myself for not getting more done in the time I have. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being placed in the same situation, as when I was a child, where someone imposes time limitations onto me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear situation where the fear of not working fast enough takes over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough resources, be it information, skill, or some kind of material that is needed to get the work done that I set out to do and within that I fear being stalled and slowed down and not being able to complete the work in the time frame needed. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not moving fast enough within my own planning, where I don't reach my goals fast enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the high expectation I impose on myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other's expectations of me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the fulfilment of my wishes and desires hinges on me not being compliant enough, for example not working fast enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear haste because I fear that I don't have the time to do something properly, and within that I fear that I don't understand all the ins and outs of what I am doing as I, thinking "I don't have the time" so I only engage superficially.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am slow. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self-sabotage in how I use my time so that I create stress for myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mother speaking to me about her expectations of me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear interacting with my mother because I fear the tension and the potential emotional involvement. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the childhood pattern within me that 'just wants to break away from all the stress'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear disappointing others and myself when I don't come through within a specific time frame. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not giving everything I got to make a deadline, an appointment, a commitment or a project.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to "think" straight when I have to haste with something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear haste and thus I have programmed myself to plan ahead to avoid haste at all costs. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear haste and when I encounter situations that stress time, I fear that I manipulate myself to get out of the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear haste or being 'caught off guard' and therefore I want to be ready to act immediately at all times.

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