Saturday, January 5, 2013

Day 235 - My accepted stress pattern & the resulting personality pt 3

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...and still more on the fear dimension that continues from last post. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am missing something important within the survival game when I don't act fast enough. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others slow me down so that I'll end up disadvantaged. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I spend time on things or activities that are useless and unnecessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will never get ahead no matter how fast I work, I'll never get to a comfortable place within what I have to do. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will never get ahead no matter how fast I work, and that there will never be time to pursue my interests beyond what is work and shores. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that with all my planning I miss the obvious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I plan some things and not others and will therefore trap myself with the things that I don't plan. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not balancing all my activities and will neglect an important matter that will later on come to 'bite' me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I make mistakes because I am so preoccupied by getting things done. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am getting overwhelmed by the stress I experience. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I am not fit for competition because I can't cope with stress internally. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I have suppressed stress because I don't want to show my stress levels on the outside. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others can see how stressed I am and that this will have a negative result on my relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing my mother in a stress frenzy and to be around her at that time. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being around anyone who is very stressed because it recalls my childhood. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear never being able to relax again if certain things/activities don't fall into place. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to never have a life where I can come to rest and exist at ease. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to never be able to stop my self-sabotage which leads to stress because I believe that my pattern is too engrained. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won't be able to see all dimensions of this fear in self-honesty and that I won't be able to stop the pattern

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear wasting my time with fear. 


[Continue reading...]

Friday, January 4, 2013

Day 234 - My accepted stress pattern & the resulting personality pt 2

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I am continuing the fear dimension from the previous post...


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear when others don't respond to me in a timely fashion regarding an appointment, commitment or project because I fear that this throws of my schedule.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when I don't stress I no longer have a purpose. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having a structure and to have to self-motivate to complete my tasks. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being without structure because then I no longer know how to approach my tasks. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to plan ahead and so I must stress without preparation and a plan. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the race for time to get something finished. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memories of my mother stressing me to hurry up and me shaking inside

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define survival and horror within the memory of my mother stressing me to hurry up and me shaking inside. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from survival and horror by defining survival and horror within the memory of my mother stressing me to hurry up and me shaking inside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have realised that survival and horror are here as me equal and one. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having stress because I fear no longer being preoccupied.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having control because I believe that when I am stressing I am in control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having the moment of closure when the stress ends and I have made it to my goal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to congratulate myself when I have met a deadline.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having stress because fear makes me feel important. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living a meaningless life without stress. 
[Continue reading...]

Day 233 - My accepted stress pattern & the resulting personality pt 1

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Since I can remember I was urged to move faster; act faster; respond faster - just be ahead of time and get things done. Sounds like I was in a military training camp ...lol. It was the great experience of stress I was taught and accepted as me. As a child I was often scared and afraid of the consequences of not moving fast enough for my mother. And so I have created a stress-pattern that permeates my activities. Within that I have become my mother, I have internalised this behaviour even though I see how rough it is on me - it's a pattern of fear. While the self-forgiveness writings have enabled me to become conscious within the pattern and breathe when it arises, I am still not free of it because the physical reaction is still here and I still get exasperated when interacting with my mother. 


Fear dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking back onto my childhood because I fear reliving the stress I experienced -  when I did not move fast enough and my mother reacted with anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself when I don't move fast enough and judge myself for not getting more done in the time I have. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being placed in the same situation, as when I was a child, where someone imposes time limitations onto me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear situation where the fear of not working fast enough takes over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough resources, be it information, skill, or some kind of material that is needed to get the work done that I set out to do and within that I fear being stalled and slowed down and not being able to complete the work in the time frame needed. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not moving fast enough within my own planning, where I don't reach my goals fast enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the high expectation I impose on myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other's expectations of me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the fulfilment of my wishes and desires hinges on me not being compliant enough, for example not working fast enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear haste because I fear that I don't have the time to do something properly, and within that I fear that I don't understand all the ins and outs of what I am doing as I, thinking "I don't have the time" so I only engage superficially.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am slow. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self-sabotage in how I use my time so that I create stress for myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mother speaking to me about her expectations of me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear interacting with my mother because I fear the tension and the potential emotional involvement. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the childhood pattern within me that 'just wants to break away from all the stress'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear disappointing others and myself when I don't come through within a specific time frame. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not giving everything I got to make a deadline, an appointment, a commitment or a project.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to "think" straight when I have to haste with something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear haste and thus I have programmed myself to plan ahead to avoid haste at all costs. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear haste and when I encounter situations that stress time, I fear that I manipulate myself to get out of the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear haste or being 'caught off guard' and therefore I want to be ready to act immediately at all times.

[Continue reading...]

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Day 232 - Looking over the wall of 2012 to 2013 pt.2

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This post continues from last post with self-commitment statements.

If and when I want to access my memory I stop and breathe.  I realise that my motivation to look back on the year that has just past is rooted in self-evaluation and separation from who I am as life. I commit myself to stop this behaviour and realise that there is never a special time where I must self-evaluate my performance - it is always and forever based on ego which comprises the "picture I have of myself"

If and when I compare myself to one year vs another year I realise that I am missing the point of life and have made myself the 'object' of my desires - I commit myself to stop the project that is me by projecting my desires into the future from the past. 


I and when I judge others who celebrate NY eve, I realise that I am separating myself and place myself as superior - I stop myself from doing so and commit myself to stop all that is self-righteous about me. 


If and when I entertain memories to produce feelings e.g. nostalgia, about times past I realise that I do this to justify my attachment to things and people. I commit myself to stop attaching myself and face myself here in every moment without the typical memorylane escape routes.

If and when I feel sorry for the animals because of all the noise and chaos that they have to face on NY eve, I stop myself and stand as an equal to humanity. I commit myself to stop all forms of separation from humanity as a whole. 

If and when I want that there is an external motivation to get another chance to improve my life, for example with the cultural belief that the new year will bring fresh opportunities, I stop and breathe.
I commit myself to self-motivate my change on a daily basis through breathing. 


If and when I feel dissatisfied with a year that has just passed  I realise that I am enacting my parents. I commit myself to stop all self-parenting and direct myself in breath.

If and when I want to measure my achievements I stop myself and bring myself here. I commit myself to stand one and equal to all projects and achievements.

If and when I assume that I won't have much time this year, I stop myself and realise that this is creating fear within myself. I commit myself to make myself aware of the moments where I want to create fear within myself. 

If and when I have backchat come up about what this year should be and what the past year was, I stop myself and breathe. I commit myself to no longer accept backchat and I stop it whenever it comes up. 

[Continue reading...]

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Day 231 - Looking over the wall of 2012 to 2013 pt.1

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The end of the year and the new year coming is a moment where I realise that somewhere buried inside of me is still this idea that it's a special day, a new beginning, a clean slate and I get a new shot, like a new lottery ticket to try my luck and make things better this year. I realise that this is still a program that surfaces deep from my secret mind  - as I also see the absurdity of the making this one day in the year special over other days, to make a bit more money, to indulge a bit more, to find excuses when looking back on the year that has passed why things did not work out  - and to essentially continue in the same vein all over again. The new year does that just that.  It calms us down momentarily because we realise that what we all have created just continues the way it has with more polarised forces, competitions, emotions and feelings - bringing us ever closer to the edge of an absolute end -  until we stop. 

I stop. I want to take this moment right here and now to forgive myself for the remaining hope I carry inside of me to make things more than what they are, another day, another year, and to solidify my commitment to myself and to all of humanity to continue walking my process - and breathe. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look back on 2012 and sum up the year because the calendar tells me so and because I programmed myself to believe that New Year's Eve is a special time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have automated myself with the belief that last year could have been better and that this year is going to be better than last year. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is no reason to celebrate yet I accept feelings of celebration to come up in form of happiness and a sunny, forward looking disposition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reminisce about the year, and all the memories, like comparing last year's NY Eve with this year's NY Eve. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others who are totally into the whole belief system around NY, and where I believe that I have to engage with them on that level - not realising that my anti-stance is about me not being one and equal with these celebrations. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for the animals who had to suffer through all the 'peng-pengs' and fire cracker bullshit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have honoured NY Eve in the past, as one of my favourite holidays because I wanted to get another chance in improving my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look back on the year that has passed and only remember the events that I judged as good or fortune and play down the importance of events that I remember that I responded to with negative emotions. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for reasons why the year unfolded the way it did. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to measure the success of the year on what I believe I have achieved. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my overall performance of the year within polarisation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am getting a year older 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that things will be getting harder for me  instead of better. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my plans will not pan out. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won't have much time. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I have more luck in getting the things I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I meet just the right people. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I'll have success in the new year. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that there is now a great potential because I have prepared the road for my future. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that process will now be easier. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought of walking into a field of flowers and coming from a field of destruction. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought of being at the start of a running competition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought of closing the door to a dark room and opening the door of a room with lots of sunlight. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought of me floating in the air and being much lighter with earthly concerns. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought where I am sitting at my desk writing myself out all day long. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought that I walk around the world and respond less emotionally to events around me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have hope just because it is a new number with a single digit in the calendar.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought with a deck of cards that shows that I have more chances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat that the last year was hard because I made a transition. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about things not working out the way I planned them. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about having had too many deadlines. 

I will continue with these statements in the next post. 
[Continue reading...]

Day 230, 2012 Civic pride, or how to conduct myself in shared public or semi-public spaces 6

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This is the last post in the series of Civic Pride....  and covers days 225 - 229.

I am now looking at the Physical and Consequence Dimensions


Physical Dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get irritated where I sense anger coming up from my solar plexus area and my throat tightening so that I hold back the words from speaking that show that I am angry about the situation.

If and when I encounter a situation in the hallway of the house, or in the street before the house or anywhere else in a public space, where anger rises within my body and words are coming up automatically I realise that this is a program that I am triggering and I stop immediately. I breathe and breathe some more. I commit myself to make myself stop the physical acceptance of anger through breathing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself physically where, in response to my thoughts that are blaming others for their conduct in shared public environments, I trip or drop something because I am actually following my mind instead of being here in breath.

If and when I drop stuff or trip over stuff I realise that I am allowing myself to be in the mind. I stop and breathe - I do this immediately upon realisation. I commit myself to apply myself consistently to stopping my participation with the mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to the situation by tightening up my facial muscles, where my lips curve downward and I essentially carry my thoughts in my face. 

If and when I encounter a situation where I want to react emotionally, I stop and breathe and immediately relax my face. I commit myself to become aware of the facial distortions I allow myself to participate in and to stop them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slope forwards with my shoulders as if I carry the burden of the world on me.

If and when I encounter a situation where I allow myself to slope forward, I stop and breathe. I commit myself to stop my accepted automatism towards my body posture and I learn to be relaxed at all times. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold my breath as I am believing my thoughts.

If and when I become aware of holding my breath, I take a deep breath and stop. I commit myself to living a life of regular and conscious breathing. 

Consequence Dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the consequence I create is that I strengthen my ego.

If and when I allow myself to indulge in ego pursuits I stop and bring myself back here. I commit myself to stopping my ego and to consistently bringing myself back to here until no more ego moves me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the consequence of the emotions of anger and blame will be carried out by my body.

If and when I engage in emotional states I realise that I am killing myself and so I stop through breathing deeply. I commit myself to stand equal to my body and stop all physical self-abuse. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the consequence is that I act from the picture I like to have of my environment and not from the understanding that humans must act for and as the group to create what is best for all. 

If and when I experience that I react to the picture I see I realise that I have programmed myself in this way and that the judgement I bring to the picture is not real. I commit myself to stop to pursue the picture I have in my secret mind. I realise that where I live is part of the picture of who I want to be - I commit myself to simply stop all desires, needs and wants in fulfilment of the picture I have of myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I preoccupy my mind and miss out on breathing and getting to know who I really am. 

If and when I go into my mind and believe my thoughts I stop and bring myself here and discover who I am in breath. I commit myself to walking out of my mind and all personality constructs. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I have become the program of my parents that I used to judge from a place of superiority. 

If and when I realise that the things that bother me are related to my parents I realise that I am not directing myself but that I have given my power over to a program. I commit myself to stop all automatic pilot behaviour through breathing. 

[Continue reading...]
 
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