Friday, December 14, 2012

Day 218, 2912 Between fear and enjoyment - closing the gap in breath and self-trust 4

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This is the fourth post in this series that started on Day 215, which is where the initial situation is laid out. The content here is about the imagination dimension. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that the results I will produce will not be sufficient.

If and when I doubt that I can be effective I stop and breathe and realise that this is just the 'program' that is running within me to shatter my self-trust and keep me trapped. I commit myself to stop evaluating my work before I've even began, and stop myself from evaluating my work from a delusional place. I commit myself further to evaluate any work I do from the context of the work itself - the why, how, and what that I am communicating in common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I was not prepared enough to answer questions from other researchers or from the audience.

If and when I doubt that I am prepared enough to present any material I only concern myself with understanding the points I am making. I realise that I will never have a complete understanding of the material because all research material moves forward, it does not come to a stagnant end. Within in that I commit myself to walk my responsibility in that I communicate that which I have an understanding of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I was not interested enough to go deeply into the material.

If and when I realise that I am becoming bored with the material and look for excuses to distract myself I stop and breathe, I realise that this is a form of self-sabotage, because by "not being interested" I allow myself to not give 100% and start to slack in my responsibility of investigating, conceptualising and communicating the material.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I am getting bored with the concepts, lose interest, and then have to drag myself to create a presentation.

If and when I project that I give up by creating disinterest I stop myself and breathe, I do not allow myself to go there and sabotage my efforts. I realise that I can take a break and find myself in self-honesty before proceeding with the work. I commit myself to stop myself from falling into the trap of giving up and allowing the "I give up" character to take over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that something intervenes and I have done all the work for nothing.

If and when I realise that I predict an obstacle as mechanism for self-sabotage, I stop and breathe. I realise that self-sabotage comes in many forms but has always the same point: to fall into resistances and jeopardise my effectiveness. I commit myself to recognise resistances for what they are and stop myself from accepting to function from the starting point of resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I get a better opportunity to do some research work elsewhere and then experience myself torn between the two.

If and when I fall into the trap of "the grass is greener on the other side" I stop myself and breathe. I realise that I have trapped myself in comparison. I commit myself to stop comparing myself in any manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that it's no use to do this research because it's not exactly what I am interested in anyway.

If and when I want to use my interest as the driving factor in my life, I stop myself and realise that "interest" as well as "preference" is something I have fabricated to identify myself with values that fit my programming. I commit myself to stop "interest" and "preference" and utilise what is here fully and in every way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I am better off not to get involved because otherwise I have too much on my plate.

If and when I self-sabotage I simply stop myself. I commit myself to discover and walk all dimensions of self-sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that the conference will not be that interesting and will be disappointing to me.

If and when I project outcomes I realise that this is again just a way for me to sabotage myself and so I stop and breathe. I commit myself to not make my participation dependent on anything that my mind tells me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that the researchers I am talking to just want to use me for their purposes.

If and when I become suspicious, I first write out the point before drawing any conclusions. I realise that the world as it is now is based on self-interest. I commit myself to allow myself to look at the situation from various perspectives. I stop myself from making any decisions based on emotional reactions and the belief that I am being exploited.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I don't have to make a decision now in how I want to proceed.

If and when I try to put the situation off so that I don't direct the point, I stop myself and realise that I need to give it a direction, and in that I realise that I can change the direction any time I see fit. I commit myself to understand what it means to direct myself in equality and oneness. 
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Thursday, December 13, 2012

Day 217, 2012 Between fear and enjoyment - closing the gap in breath and self-trust 3

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This series of posts began on Day 215. Here I continue with self-forgiveness statements and self-commitment statements regarding the thought dimension.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought where I am standing in front of a crowd of people and I am naked.

If and when I am afraid of exposing who I am to myself and others, I breathe and realise that hiding is a concept which seeks separation and denial of the truth that we are the same, so that we hide our sameness through the characters we play. I commit myself to uncover the illusion that I believe to be life and walk this life in equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought where people buh me off stage.

If and when I concern myself with the external world by making decisions where I worry how the world perceives me I stop and breathe. I commit myself to stop myself from indulging the projection of the fear in form of response/reaction/feedback from the external world - instead I stand as an equal to the situation, without emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought where I am losing everything I own because my performance was not satisfactory in the eyes of those who pay me.

If and when I believe that someone else can blackmail me, I realise that this is a childhood experience and a program that I have accepted to run my life. I commit myself to stop blackmailing myself and disrupt all “if then .... “ algorithms that I have internalised as me. I live as an equal breath-by-breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought where I am stripped of all my education because I have not fulfilled the necessary requirements.

If and when I fear losing what I have gained I realise that achievement is more of the delusions we acquire to identify with values of separation and specialness - which are in essence ego mechanisms. I commit myself to identify all attachments and one by one let them go because I realise that none of it is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought where I am losing my body because I have been damned to die.

If and when I fear physical harm or pain I stop myself and realise that this is my mind. I realise that all pain is through the mind in first instance, and also realise that it is also my acceptance of the mind that blocks me from accessing the physical directly. I commit myself to stand as equal to my body and stop all self-abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought where I have lost my right to exist.

If and when I fear losing my mind I realise that the mind is nothing but a bunch of programs that I have accepted as me. I realise that through walking my process I can walk out of my mind and into nothingness. I realise that this is the building block to change the world which requires me to dedicate myself to myself to bring about my self-change. 
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Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Day 216, 2012 Between fear and enjoyment - closing the gap in breath and self-trust 2

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This is a continuation from the previous post - where one can also read the initial situation that led to this mental pattern deconstruction. 





Self-commitment statements. 

If and when I experience the sense of threat which is the fear that I am no longer safe, I stop and realise that this is my mind who does not want to learn any thing ‘new’ but rather wants to stay self-contained preserving what it already knows. I commit myself to apply myself to the study new material and accept that it is part of interdisciplinary research to learn new material.

If and when I doubt my capabilities I stop and breathe and look at it in common sense: I realise that I am not working in a vacuum and that I have all the requirements in place to make a valid contribution - within that I commit myself to stop self-evaluation where I am trying to judge and determine if my work is sufficiently original.

If and when I limit myself by using my title as an excuse, or the lack of not having done enough literature review, I realise that this is self-imposed and there aren’t any rules in how or for what I must use my title. I commit myself to stop all excuses to impose limitations on myself.

If and when I fear that I am not satisfying my collaborators, I realise that I do this work for someone else instead of doing it for myself. I commit myself to work on this presentation for myself where I do not make the quality of the work dependent on others which does not mean that others cannot give me feedback but I stop placing my responsibility onto others.

If and when I fret about the starting of the project because I don’t know how, I stop myself and breathe and realise that I can use common sense to structure my approach.

If and when I fear that I am not seeing the value of this opportunity because I block myself in fear, I stop and breathe and slow myself down, I realise that fear is not real and that through self-will I can stop myself.

If and when I fear myself I stop and breathe and realise that I have given permission for this fear to exist and therefore I am the one who stops the fear. I commit myself to simply stop my fears and stop myself from making anxiety a complex issue.

If and when I realise that I am I letting the "ambitious" character take over my way of being in the world, because I strive for high results, I stop myself and realise that this is future projection which is setting myself up for an energetic charge. I commit myself to no longer create energetic charge by stopping my mental existence that draws on the past and future.

If and when I fear that I am not grasping the problem that I am researching I stop myself and realise that I am blocking myself and that I can stop myself by bringing myself here. I commit myself to stop judging myself when I don’t understand something right away, instead I reset my starting point, relocate my self-awareness and systematically approach the material by using my common sense.

If and when I fear that no one will understand what I am talking about I realise that the main point is that I can understand it - I realise that if I have a thorough understanding then I am able to explain what I understand to others. I commit myself to verify that I have an understanding of the material and that I am able to convey my understanding in simplicity.

If and when I fear comes up that I make a straw man’s argument I check with my collaborators for their input. I commit myself to ultise my resources to the fullest and stop holding back and limiting myself.

If and when I fear that I don’t have enough time I realise that it all depends on how I organise my time and how self-directed I act. I commit myself to stop using time as an excuse why I can or cannot do a certain project.

If and when I fear that I am not effective enough I look at how I spend my time and make adjustments. I stop making any assumptions about how effective I can be before I applied myself to integrate the project into my schedule.  

[Continue reading...]

Monday, December 10, 2012

Day 215, 2012 Between fear and enjoyment - closing the gap in breath and self-trust

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Today I was in a meeting and it was suggested to me to give a presentation at an upcoming conference. The people I am talking to are looking at an interesting research topic. However, the topic is not part of my 'habitual' research area but interesting to me nonetheless. It is also offering me to expand my interdisciplinary approach into new territory. In short, it will enrich my research let alone providing me with the opportunity to give a large-scale presentation. In this meeting, when this idea was proposed to me, I immediately reacted in fear. Self-defeating thoughts flooded my mind, although I realised what was happening, I stopped and breathed, I managed partly to see it for what it was. Partly, because I experienced myself in a 'split' perception state.

On the one hand the fear of not being good enough ( rather a dimension thereof, as I have already walked some of this character in previous posts) and the other hand, there was me freely considering how to position this research and I was already engrossed in considering a variety of possibilities for an interdisciplinary approach. Though, this did not stop me from hanging on to the fear.

I can already see how this goes back to the lack of self-trust. Therefore, I will first walk this experience in self-honesty: the fears, the thoughts, the imagination, the backchat, the reactions, as well as the the physical manifestations and the consequence - before I even get started with the research...

Fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear failure when considering that I am going to start working on a new research branch.

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my suggestions and insights are not original enough to make an interesting contribution to the conference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I miss the point because my literature review is not extensive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will make a fool of myself and am not worthy my title.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will disappoint my collaborators.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing where to start on the project.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not seeing the value of this opportunity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself - and facing my fears through and in this project.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not fulfilling my desire to do a good job on this project.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my perspective is not interesting to my collaborators.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that no one can understand what I am talking about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I only see simplicity and fail to see the complexity of the research problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I can only make a straw man's argument.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I do not have enough time for this project.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am spreading myself too thinly.

In my next post I will follow with commitment statements.

[Continue reading...]

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Day 214, 2012 Another layer of unresponsiveness to self-responsibility

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I have recently returned from travels to various parts of the world. Yesterday was my first day back at home. I experienced myself in this heavy state, where I had to face myself in all the projects and routines that I had momentarily left behind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist going back to my daily routine but rather want to continue with the exciting life of travelling.

If and when I consider my routine as a burden, I realise that routine is a function of organising my life efficiently. I commit myself to stop creating beliefs around the idea of routine which I use to create an energetic charge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cherish the perceived 'freedom' i have when I travel.

If and when I start to indulge in thoughts of 'live is better when...' I stop myself and realise that I am the one who is creating my life and I can make changes to my life so that it suits me. I commit myself to organise my life the way it works best for my circumstances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attributed this sense of freedom I experience to "live out of my suitcase" where I have few things to worry about and thus I am free to go with the flow.

If and when I desire to be carefree I realise that this is just me not wanting to take responsibility. I commit myself to investigate all resistances I have towards self-responsibility until I have eradicated all negative beliefs and approach any responsibility from the standpoint of equality. Within this I commit myself to take self-responsiblity in how I organise my life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not recognise that when travelling I am dependent on others and it is this reliance on the 'other' - whether it is at a hotel or with people I know - which gives me a sense of security, like the child-parent dynamic.

If and when I want to be a child again where I do not have any responsibility towards my own life and that of others, I realise that I have created limitations within my life to which I react with resistances. I commit myself to stop any idealisation of a life without responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be like a child where someone else is taking care of me.

If and when I desire to be a child, I stop myself and breathe. I commit myself to investigate how 'getting attention' fits into the picture I have of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy travelling because my 'daily' responsibilities are minimised by the virtue of not being in my home and not having the bulk of my affairs to "worry" about.

If and when I polarise my life into worry and worry-free activities I stop and breathe. I commit myself to stop all thoughts that produce worry and anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dispose of my starting point of being here by indulging myself in worry and anxiety about the accomplishment of my projects.

If and when I work on my projects I stop projecting how these will be completed. I commit myself to focus on doing what I need to do in the physical world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the sense of relief I experience when I travel is due to me being anxious about my projects.

If and when I judge myself for the desire/feelings I experience, I stop and breathe. I commit myself to stop all judgement and be grateful to myself - that I allow myself to recognise these dynamics so that I can change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as overwhelmed when sitting at my desk where I perceive myself as facing a mountain of projects.

If and when I allow myself to enter into the "i give up" character I stop myself and breathe. I commit myself to stop all beliefs about this character and walk the points in accordance to the self-forgiveness I have already written on it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the urge to 'escape' from my reality - as I allow myself to go into my mind and recall the carefree living I experienced in my recent travels.

If and when I have the urge to just get away from it all, I look at the current situation and identify the point I don't want to deal with. I commit myself to use all resistance as guidance to my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing all of me and prefer to face just part of me, the parts that are fun and exciting.

If and when I am experiencing fear I stop myself and breathe. I commit myself to live in the awareness of my breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my daily routine as tedious and perceive travel as fun and exciting, and thus have created a polarisation in which I reiterate my belief that I live a life of limitation.

If and when I have backchat about my current living situation I stop myself immediately and realise the types of consequences I create -  and instead I do what it takes in the physical world, to create circumstances are accommodating of my needs, and are serving me better.
[Continue reading...]
 
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