Saturday, November 24, 2012

Day 208, 2012 Winter time: Fear of getting sick

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting sick when a person in my proximity starts to sneeze and to cough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting sick because in the past I have been sick a lot and so I don't want to experience sickness anymore because I believe that I have had more than my share of illnesses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when the person next to me is not covering their mouth with their hand while sneezing and coughing than there is more of a chance for me to get sick because airborne bacteria are spread in the room.

If and when I am next to others who are sick I stop myself from creating an emotional charge of fear. I stop and breathe. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that bacteria are beings which whom I can be one and equal, and within that I commit myself to stop all labels for illness and sickness and realise that sickness is what we humans have chosen in our acceptance as automated organic robots - and by walking out of my mind I can stop this way of relating to substance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dread winter time because so many get sick, including myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting sick because I do not like to experience my body in a sick state.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting sick because I do not want to miss out on work time.

If and when I have thoughts that consider illness an inconvenience I realise that I am not separate from my illness but that I am a participant in the creation of my physical experience. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that I am one and equal to my physical body no matter what health state I find myself in - I thus stop blaming the outside world, my body, or other beings e.g bacteria, for my experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that bacteria are part of me and that getting sick is not necessarily all due to the exposure of someone who is sick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my assumptions in "how" we get sick, fostered by the belief in medical research whereby I don't realise that there is lots of misinformation because medical research is motivated by and linked to the money-making machine, and can therefore not be trusted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that my fears are the bigger factors in me getting weak/sick/physically distressed - because thoughts of anxiety send energetic charges through my body which sucks the life force out of me in self-abuse.

If and when I believe what I have been told about sickness by the medical community, I stop myself from making assumptions of what is going on with my body and use common sense in taking care of myself. I commit myself to approach my body and my health from common sense and draw on medical support only if necessary, and when alternative methods of healing are no longer useful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought of me being 'sick in bed' and have programmed myself through memories to fear the situation repeating itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory exist inside of me where I am three years old and lying in my crib in lots of pain in the lower part of my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a memory where I am three years old and lying in my bed in excruiating pain which affects my lower back.

If and when I have a memory of my childhood come up where I suffer from sickness, I stop and breathe and realise that I can let go of the memory by standing one and equal to it, realising that this is the past and has no more value in the present moment of my life. I commit myself to stop any and all memories that led me to program myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define loneliness, helplessness, and danger within the memory of me being three years old and lying in my bed in excruitating pain in my lower back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to have separated myself from loneliness, helplessness and danger thrrough defining loneliness, helplessness and danger within the memory of my childhood where I am three years old and lying in my bed, squirming in pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myslef to have a memory of looking out of my bed where I see horizontal bars that keep me separated from the world outside of my bed.

If and when I drift back into my memories from my early childhood, where I was sick a lot and in pain, I stop and breathe, I bring myself here in awareness and use the moment of memories surfacing in my mind to provide myself with insights to understand how I have programmed myself regarding illness and the relationship with my parents. I commit myself to investigate all relationships between illness, myself and my parents that I have used to program characters, self-definitions and limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself to believe that being confined and seeing the horizontal bars of my crib was a form of punishment by my parents because I was sick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that sickness warrants confinement and separation to regain one's health.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted with emotions towards sickness and have seen sickness as less than me.

If and when I find myself seeing illness in others and reacting to it because I believe that not being well is a 'physical prison', I stop myself, breathe, and realise that we have created these prisons with our minds, and that we easily blame the physical world in this so that we don't have to recognise our self-responsibility. I commit myself to uncover my blind-spots where I am still blaming someone or something and stop blaming by taking self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by creating anxiety I avoid getting sick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that whenever I am sick I will slow down in my performance, and then have to make up for what I did not get done during my sickness, once I am in better health.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that sickness is not natural but relates to my acceptances and allowances as a mindconsciousness system.

If and when I find myself using sickness to justify convenient excuses I stop myself from engaging with my backchat and breathe. I commit myself to stop believing that my backchat is valid and can contribute to my life on earth.
[Continue reading...]

Day 207, 2012 My parental visit - Commitment statement

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This is a continuation from the previous post.

If and when I plan on seeing my parents I focus on planning the concrete physical aspects of getting to my parent and stop myself from planning anything else. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that I do not plan my visit using my mind but only plan the logistics to get to my parent's place. 

If and when I see my parents I stop all judgements where I evaluate my progress in how I see myself in relation to my own process. I commit myself to take every moment as is, and do not place a goal or focus on my interactions with my parents.

If and when my mother asks me about something that I believe is none of her business, I push myself to answer her question in a straight forward manner. I commit myself to take a deep breath and answer my mother's question about my life.

If and when my mind is going off on a tangent, I just stop myself through breathing. I commit myself to no longer accept mind chatter and take responsibility to stop myself.

If and when I fear conflict I realise that I am the one who accepts the emotion that I have identified as "emotions of conflict" and that I am the one who can stop my emotion through breathing here. I commit myself to address my fears from self-honesty and take
responsibility for the emotions that I allow to exist as me.

If and when I believe that I must be in separation of my parents I stop and realise that I have designed my whole life on the basis of this separation. I commit myself to stop the source of all my decisions and within that I stop the need to reiterate behaviour of separation. 

[Continue reading...]

Friday, November 23, 2012

Day 206, 2012 My parental visit

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to plan my visit with my parents by imaging how i will respond to the typical scenarios I usually face with my parents. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat where I tell myself that this time it's going to be better because I can see my part in it and I can stop it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat that deals with my resistances about questions that my mother will ask me, and I don't want to answer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lots of mind chatter going on regarding the visit to my parents and facing myself within the context of my childhood memories. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fear about situations of conflict ensuing with my mother because I fear that I am not able to be here in awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to face myself within my mother's emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I rather want to stay at home with my partner than to make this journey. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I'll have to fight with my mother who still wants to control me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that going to see my parents is a testing ground for myself where i reflect to myself what I still accept and allow myself to be. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat where I just want all this theatre to stop and get on with each other. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the backchat of "the victim" to come up in my mind and actually listen to it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine how I am going to structure my day so that I get a breather from my parents. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to dread that I'll have to listen to all kinds of stories by relatives I am not interested in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger to the visit,  which is not a real situation but a memory construct that I am reacting to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with pity about the situation, still sobbing somewhere inside of me, and belittling myself for having had such 'luck' of the draw regarding my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with a slightly depressed sense about myself - where all around me seems dull, bleak and dark.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with heaviness in my gait and the way I move in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react by not wanting to take care of myself, e.g. not drink water when I am thirsty. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to revert to old habits of self punishment in response to knowing that i am going to be with my parents. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that unless I get to the point of releasing all emotions and memories about my parents, and facing my parents in their entirety, I am shortchanging myself within my process. 

Commitment statements will follow in the next post. 
[Continue reading...]

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Day 205, 2012 A few minutes on the phone with a bunch of memories

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate meeting my parents, and anticipate the 'good old routine' we have in how we communicate with each other.

If and when I realise that I go into my mind and start to anticipate what is coming my way, I stop, breathe and relax. I commit myself to stop all estimates of how it is going to be when I see my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that this anticipation is fear of having to deal with my parents' emotions.

If and when the fear arises of me having to deal with my parents' emotions, I realise that I can look at it from the same perspective as if I were watching a movie - I commit myself to stand one and equal to all human emotions no matter who and by what means they are displayed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I do not admit this fear to myself but suppress it and end up in a bad mood because I want to brush over my responsibility regarding the role that I take up within communicating with my parents.

If and when I realise that my mood has shifted I investigate my situation and see what it is that I am suppressing. I commit myself to utilise this situation in order to write myself out, and release the limitations I have placed upon myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I will experience myself as I always do when I meet my parents.

If and when my imagination comes up and wants to draw on the past for fodder, I stop and breathe. I commit myself to bring my awareness here into my immediate environment and into my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I will breathe and remain stable and unaffected within my communications.

If and when I realise that I am scripting my role/character when seeing my parents I stop and bring my awareness into my immediate reality. I commit myself to stop all kinds of preparatory manoeuvres and stop all self-sabotage.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I get angry and frustrated because I experience myself as trapped and confined when I am with my parents.

If and when I experience myself as trapped, I stop and bring myself here. I commit myself to stop all escape mechanisms as I realise that the feeling of being trapped and confined is self-vicitimisation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to imagine how I just want to get away when I am with my parents.

If and when I have to urge to get away, I stop and realise that I can face myself in this moment. I commit myself to face myself in possible ways and at any opportunity that presents itself, and also make time for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought of myself in a picture with my parents being squeezed between both of them so that there is nothing left of me - until I am entirely suffocated.

If and when I have the one pixel thought of my parents suffocating me - I stop and breathe. I commit myself to no longer abuse my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought of me confronting my parents and asking my parents to stop with their bickering.

If and when I have a thought of confrontation with my parents to put a stop to the scene, I realise that this is all about me wanting control. I commit myself to stop controlling my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought where my mother's words get louder and louder and enter inside my head.

If and when I have a thought of my mother's behaviour I stop and breathe. I commit myself to stop reading emotions into the women who is my mother and stand one and equal to her as individual.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about my parents because I believe that they have not changed a bit and I will have to put up with the same old story.

If and when I have a thought how my parents have not changed I stop and breathe. I commit myself to stop judging my parents and take them 'as is' in the moment that is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about how to make the best of being around my parents, and showing myself that I, at least, can change.

If and when I tell myself to make the best of things, I realise that I want to believe my backchat, I stop and breathe. I commit myself to neither make it better or worse and engage with what is here in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about wanting to close all the gaps and separation between me and the world and how this is just another one of those gaps that I am going to close.

If and when I find myself plotting my process I stop and breathe. I commit myself to understand, see and realise that process is a pathless manner of directing myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted with a bad mood and slightly depressed feeling.

If and when I enter into a bad mood I realise that I need to breathe deeply. I commit myself to walk myself out of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have react with contractions in my solar plexus area.

If and when I contract my solar plexus area because of my thoughts, I simply stop them, I breathe and bring myself back to the physical reality I live in. I commit myself to stopping my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tense up my body within the anticipation of having to face myself within the context of my family.

If and when I become tense, I immediately make myself aware of my thoughts, and investigate my fears. I commit myself to release all fears one-by-one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise the consequences if I choose to not 'stand' in this situation, I am deliberately not taking responsibility, and I demonstrate to myself that I still blame my parents for my childhood experiences.

If and when I try to allow myself to find an excuse for not facing myself within the context of my family I stop and breathe. I see, realise and understand that I have used this character over the years,  and am now taking active steps to uncover and forgive all manoeuvres I have allowed myself to exist as, be it self-victimisation, self-sabotage, pity or self-deception. I commit myself to delete the daughter character. 
[Continue reading...]

Monday, November 19, 2012

Day 204, 2012 Social relations: But that was my idea!

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I am continuing on the conference activity described in the previous posts. In this one I am looking at getting angry about someone recycling my idea. During a session where we were working in small groups, I proposed an idea as solution to a problem that we were discussing. Later on, in the next session with many more people, I perceived a former member of this initial group session recycling one of my ideas to gain recognition and attention.


Fears:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I do not get recognised for my contributions to the conference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that no one at the conference values me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am being left out because I am not doing enough to draw attention to my contributions/value.

If and when I experience fears regarding my contributions, my value, or my acceptance as member of a group, I realise that this is a reflection of how I perceive myself within myself where I am the one causing this fear because I see myself in separation from others and from my environment.

I commit myself to see, realise and understand that I AM the world, as an instance of my beingness in my physical body, and that there is no other world where I can deflect away what happens in my mind, and project myself onto an external entity - thus I trust myself in taking responsibility for myself as full member of humanity through writing myself out in self-honesty and breathing myself into awareness.


Imagination:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that others at the conference admire my ideas and recognise the value of my contribution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that others want to talk to me and connect with me because they realise that I have useful ideas.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that my ideas propel me forward by putting me into contexts where I can make lots of money.


Thoughts:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself being congratulated by others for my achievements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself dressed in specific clothes in a high ranking award session.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself surrounded by many people where I take a centre position within the context of the communication/discussion.

If and when I go into my imagination about achieving recognition or confirming my self-value, I breathe and bring myself back here, centring my awareness in my body and my immediate physical environment.

I commit myself to stop all delusions on the topic of recognition and achievement and realise that life is here in every moment of breath, and that that is my starting point and all else is a typical mind derivative.


Backchat:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the backchat "I don't like you, you are stealing my ideas" exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the backchat "this is how it works, this is how people get ahead" exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the backchat "I can stand above this, no big deal - I am not my ideas" exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the backchat "I can have a good idea any time, so why bother" exist within me.

If and when I listen to the voices in my head I realise that I am listening to my mind, once again, and stop giving attention to the backchat by continuing to breathe with awareness. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that backchat is merely an outflow of a chain of mental events that I can stop to participate in through self-willed action.

Reactions:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger to the statements that were made by someone in my group who repeated something that I said, not realising that everything that is stated by anyone can never be anything else than the mind speaking through a particular person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react by creating feelings of dislike towards the person who I perceive to have taken the words I said and recycled them at a later point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another on the basis of spoken words because these words have been spoken by me earlier, not realising that by reacting to this situation I have identified myself with the words I spoke, thus giving myself value through the ideas that I can produce instead of realising that I am life and the value of life is life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the situation from a place of inferiority because I believe that the ownership of my ideas makes me a better, more valuable person.

If and when I am in a situation where I believe that I own my ideas and/or my words, I realise that I am trapped in believing that my ideas and/or words are my value and thus I stop and breathe, and slow myself down. I commit myself to see, realise and understand where i am still identifying myself with the external world by placing a particular focus and ownership on a point - and through my awareness of these situations I correct them in self-honesty and in daily living.


Physical:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tense up in my body because I believe that tension in my body protects me from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move around in my seat because I want to offload the energetic charges I am experiencing physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body because I am experiencing myself as less than life.

If and when my body tenses up and I experience a physical reaction through my thoughts I breathe and look at the situation in self-honesty. I commit myself to stop abusing my body by stopping my mind breath-by-breath.


Consequence:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that by allowing these kinds of thoughts, reactions and so forth, I keep myself trapped in my pre-programmed design, where I keep myself in separation from the rest of existence instead of taking responsibility to become the change that I want to see in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that these types of thoughts, reactions and so forth are not of benefit to further my work and position within the community of researchers but instead will continue to keep me in separation instead of living equality and working in cooperation with others.

If and when I realise that I allow my thoughts to separate myself from the group, I stop and breathe, and slow myself down because I realise that this impacts my participation as a group member. I commit myself to stop all resistances towards changing myself, to become an equal partner, in building a new world of equality and oneness.  

[Continue reading...]

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Day 203, 2012 Social relations: still not free to be here

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 During the conference, which I discussed in the previous posts, I noticed in hindsight that during the networking moments between sessions I still perceived myself as being, in part, directed by my emotions when I did not push through consistently to initiate conversations. Although it was a latent emotional state, I realise that I was hiding at times because I sought out my 'writing' partner to talk to instead of utilising every moment to make new connections.


Fears:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing who to talk to during the conference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I don't know what to talk about to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I must be friendly and understand my conversation partner's body language.

I commit myself to end this three-fold fear when talking to others, and close the separation gap by seeing myself as the other.


Thoughts:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself talking with another whereby the entire picture is played in slow motion and all talking is distorted and very difficult.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself talking to another who does not respond much at all so that I have to initiate topics throughout the conversation, and the whole conversation is dragging on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seeing myself in conversation with another who I have no interest in, and the person is talking a lot so that I can't get away.

I commit myself to stop all thoughts regarding the outcome or the conversation partner that I will encounter. If and when thoughts come up I stop and breathe and clear my starting point.


Imagination:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I make 'just' the right connections for my purpose of being there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that the people I am connecting with are great in following up and staying in contact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that people connect to me instead of me having to initiative talking to others.

I commit myself to stop projecting myself into the future regarding the outcome of my networking efforts and remain here in every breath. If and when I am drifting off into imagination, I breathe and bring myself here to the reality content that is here.


Backchat:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat "to network seems so much work, I will take a break and hang out with X" exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat "I can't see the forest for the trees, there are so many people here, who should I talk to?" exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat "I already made some connections, that should be enough" exist within me.

I commit myself to stop my backchat. If and when I experience backchat I stop and breathe and realign myself within my physical awareness.


Reactions:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into hiding by looking to stand around and talk with X in between sessions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed by the crowd and not seeing the individuals but just a group of people, where I no longer perceive individuals as possible conversation partners.

I commit myself to stop my mind by using the picture I see as a way to block myself from directing myself.


Physical:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience physical tension throughout my body, when in situations such as this one, where I am in between sessions floating around and networking with others.

I commit myself to stop my thoughts and thus stop my physical reactions - if and when the physical reaction appears I know that it's not real and the consequences of automated self-programmation, and thus I slow myself down and breathe deeply.


Consequence:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my emotions and make them my starting point instead of realising that my starting point is the equal and one physical reality we all move in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that in the beginning the transition from automated to self directed behaviour may require some pushing through - and instead of accepting this to be so, I use it as a cue to allow my emotions to direct me.


I commit myself to stop my emotions and learn to recognise when I believe in my emotions as directing force, instead of directing myself through bringing myself here in awareness. 
[Continue reading...]
 
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