Saturday, November 17, 2012

Day 202, 2012 Social relations: sacrificing my routine

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As stated in the previous post, the past few days I was involved in conference activities. This interrupted my routine.

One activity that was affected by this interruption was my daily blog writing. Although I had chosen to be at the conference, and was grateful for the opportunity, parts of me were resenting the investment of time. I could see that being with all these people was helping me to walk several points I had already forgiven, and now had the opportunity to apply walking them practically. Yet, at times there was a slight resentment about the time it took away from my 'routine' life.

Fears:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing a grip on my agenda and falling behind when my routine gets interrupted.

I commit myself to stop attachment to external crutches and rely on self by trusting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming ineffective because I no longer have the "sense of safety" of my agenda to fall back onto.

I commit myself to stop myself from looking for safety to defer my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having a measure how productive I am.

I commit myself to stop judging myself regarding a projected goal, in how I want to see myself as productive person.


Thoughts:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought that I must try to find a moment to squeeze in more activities than 'just' going to the conference, and thus think about finding a "hole"in the time I am at the conference where I can work on other stuff.

I commit myself to stop creating alternative realities which I construct in my mind and then try to implement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought about how difficult it will be to catch up if I don't find time to write in this moment.

I commit myself to stop creating fears within myself as a form of self-punishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought that I am going to "get comfortable in my mind" if I don't write - and consequently it will be more difficult for me to see my behaviour and thoughts.

I commit myself to stop self-sabotage where I blackmail myself into fears.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought of comparison where I think "others get more stuff done, why can't I".

I commit myself to stop comparing myself to others.


Imagination:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I am doing an activity much faster than I can do in reality to make up for the perception of time lost.

I commit myself to stop creating a parallel 'working' reality in my mind, and stop furthermore to try to implement that reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that there is a time slot during the conference where I can find a corner and a desk to do some of my work.

I commit myself to settle down and be here with the conference - I commit myself to do one thing at a time and stop worrying about all the other things I have to do.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I get a comfortable seat on the train and can work there.

I commit myself to plan and execute my day from 'reality' rather than from my mind.


Backchat:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to state that I must find a way to do a better job in working while mobile.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself a pep talk to encourage myself to find the time to do some writing somewhere at the conference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to - as a result of this pep talk- convince myself that all is well because now I have a plan to work in a specific manner.


I commit myself to stop my backchat through breathing and making myself aware of the physical surrounding I am in. If and when backchat surfaces I stop listening and breathe.


Reactions:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get upset because none of my projections have worked out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry because my plans have been interrupted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as impatient and absent from what his here.

I commit myself to focus on breathing if and when reactions surface.


Physical:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my solar plexus area as tense, tight and in pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tighten up my lips so as to better control myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move my hands in a nervous manner.

I commit myself to relax my body and stop my automated behaviours by bringing awareness into my body.


Consequences:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that by worrying about whether I get to other stuff I am preoccupied and exist in my mind instead of existing here in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I might as well not be at the conference or anywhere else when I allow myself to project myself elsewhere, doing something else -and not participate in the reality that I am physically situated in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that it is always my choice to be here in every moment and no routine can save me from myself.

I commit myself to living and existing in my physical reality and stop all fears, worries, and thoughts and live the decision I have made to be where I am, in every moment of breath.
[Continue reading...]

Friday, November 16, 2012

Day 201, 2012 Social relations: giving back what I received.

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Over the past few days I went to a conference. This post as well as the next couple of posts are dealing with this topic and how I experienced myself during these days.

This first topic is about an exchange of services. I was granted free access to the conference in exchange for writing a report on the conference presentations and discussions. What I faced within this was my insecurity of not knowing what would be acceptable or expected as effort on my side of the contribution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am unfamiliar with the exchange of services - my service versus another service - and use this as an excuse to not take responsibility. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that in my relationship of "services rendered", I am comfortable with numbers but revert to the "I don't know" character with regards to estimating how to equate my efforts within a situation where I must establish a fair give-and-take.

I commit myself to stop the “I don’t know” character and learn to take responsibility for my actions, including the learning of making accurate assessments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can estimate the monetary value regarding the ‘value for money’ ratio, not realising that this is directly linked to what the system has prescribed as 'appropriate', and that I have accepted these prescriptions when I evaluate anything.

I commit myself to make myself aware of how I have trapped myself within the beliefs I have in relations to money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that "I don't know" how to deal with this situation when in actuality I do not trust myself to assess in common sense a fair exchange for my efforts, and thus enter into a polarity where I experience myself as inferior.

I commit myself to take daily steps to learn to trust myself completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in the "I don't know" character - because I do not want to face my responsibility in returning the service freely given to me - because then I have to stand up to the consequences of what I identified as enough effort/quality in this context - and in this I fear not pleasing my exchange partner.

I commit myself to face myself within the consequences of my decisions.


Fears:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not fulfilling someone else' expectation of when there is an exchange of services.

I commit myself to stop my expectations, and thus I stop myself from projecting that others place expectations on me.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I do not know the social rules in relation to an exchange of services, and thus do not trust myself to put myself in the shoes of my exchange partner to understand what would be a fair exchange.

I commit myself to use common sense in all situations and stop wanting to know the rules - as excuse for not trusting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this situation, and thus believe that if I 'give an arm and a leg' then things will be alright - and by doing so I clearly put myself into an inferior position where I have to make sure that I exceed another’s expectations - in order to "make up" for someone else' good will.

I commit myself to stop all self-abuse by uncovering and facing myself in all the areas where I abuse myself because I am acting from a place of inferiority.

Thoughts:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought where the person who sponsored my conference pass is disappointed and does not really want to speak with me again.

I commit myself to stop my beliefs in ‘worst case’ scenarios.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought of me standing there face-to-face in conversation with the person who sponsored my conference pass, and having to endure this false friendliness where I can sense that something is wrong but nothing is spoken out loud.

I commit myself to speak up and ask for clarification in all situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought where I regret that I did not try harder to do a better job in reciprocating the favor with my work offered, and thus get stuck in self-diminishment.

I commit myself to clear my starting point on my own but also in conjunction with another by creating a clear understanding between myself and the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought that I have missed a once in a life time opportunity, and won't have a second chance because there are not that many people around who have this sort of influence/authority/network in the country I live in.

I commit myself to stop acting from a place of scarcity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought where I believe that I did a great job writing the report - but in conversation with my exchange partner, I am told that what I wrote is worthless.

I commit myself to stop devaluing my work.


Imagination:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I will have future dealings with my sponsor where everything is fine and we get the opportunity to work on projects together.

I commit myself to stop to place expectations on others as well as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that my connection with my sponsor propels me into a new environment, where I can do exactly that which I would like to do professionally.

I commit myself to eradicate all pictures I have of myself and stop living up to the picture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to the other person who was also writing a report, and try to measure my efforts against hers instead of me deciding to walk my own decisions.

I commit myself to learn to stand on my own without competition and comparison - by directing myself breath-by-breath.



Backchat:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about my sponsor and therefore interpret her facial expressions as disapproval of how I fulfilled the tasks she assigned to me.

I commit myself to stop creating interpretations of pictures and use them as mindfucks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about my sponsor where I question her intention about giving me access to the conference.

I commit myself to learn to trust myself and in doing so stop my suspicion towards others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about my sponsor observing me during the conference, to identify if I was working hard.

I commit myself to stop believing in my backchat.



Reactions:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react by not looking at my sponsor when she crossed my path during the conference so that I avoided eye contact with her.

I commit myself to stop my reactions of not wanting to look another into the eye.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react by being extra friendly to her as way to show my appreciation.

I commit myself to stop myself from feeling guilty and take responsibility for my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react by trying to get out of the way, to make sure that I don't cause any problems.

I commit myself to stop self-diminishment by stopping self-judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of sitting in the car with my family where my mother is yelling at me to get out of the line of sight because my father is backing up and needs to see into the rear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a memory of sitting in the car with my family where my mother is yelling at me to get out of the line of sight because my father is backing up and needs to see into the rear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “me as a problem” within the memory of sitting in the car with my family where my mother is yelling at me to get out of the line of sight because my father is backing up and needs to see into the rear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from “me as a problem” by defining “me as a problem” within a memory of sitting in the car with my family where my mother is yelling at me to get out of the line of sight because my father is backing up and needs to see into the rear, in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that “me as a problem” is here as me, equal and one to all that is here in ever moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself to have taken it personal when my mother yelled at me because I was not moving out of the way quickly enough so that my father could see into the rear, and thus I have programmed myself to believe that “I am” the problem instead of realising that there was no problem at all only the momentary obstruction of my father’s view.



Physical:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react by trying to make myself physically smaller because I did not want to be noticed by my sponsor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as slightly hunched over

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to contract my stomach muscles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lower my voice when I speak.


Consequence:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I diminish myself when I do not trust myself and take responsibility for assessing the value of my work in common sense, and therefore have an understanding of the effort I need to put forth to create a balance between the ‘give and take’ in this situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that when I exist in fear I will always make decisions in polarisation and thus remain trapped in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obscure any common sense approach because I allow myself to act from an emotional state.

I commit myself to place myself in other, similar situations and walk these points in breath, one-by-one until it’s done.

I commit myself to realise that self-responsibility comes with every decision I make, and in that I actively participate in directing myself.

I commit myself to strip away all layers of delusion and emotions until I can make any decision from the starting point of what is best for all and walk the solution in common sense.  
[Continue reading...]

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Day 200, 2012 Socialising and the split world syndrome No.5

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This is the final post in this series. The basic premise of the situation starts with day 195. In this post I apply self-forgiveness to the physical dimension as well as the consequences.


Physical:

unsettled, my body is agitated

nervous laughter

irregular breathing

on edge



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as unsettled and agitated - as my physical body gives me feedback when I experience myself as uncomfortable in social networking situations.

I commit myself to stop myself in regards to this situation by doing the following: when and if I am in a social networking situation where I am feeling uncomfortable and agitated I bring myself here in awareness and breathe in awareness as I am engaging with others. I do this repeatedly until it's done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to laugh nervously because I try to cover up that I feel uncomfortable in the present social situation.

I commit myself to stop myself from laughing nervously by breathing here in awareness and realise that these are automated behaviour mechanisms that I have allowed and accepted are my responsibility to stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself breathing irregularly because I am in a social situations where I allow my mind to interfere with me being in awareness.

I commit myself to stop placing my awareness outside of myself by attending to my breath in awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself on edge because I am in a social situation where I allow automated thought to interfere with my communication.

I commit myself to stop and not allow myself to go into agitation or this "on edge" existence by simply relaxing using the awareness of my breath.


Consequence:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the consequence of not being here in social networking situation is that I am unaware of what is happening around me, and that I cannot cease the moment to direct my conversations and also choose my conversation partners in regards to my networking endeavour because I am preoccupied by my mind.

I commit myself to stop all fears related to interacting with others - and live the understanding that only in awareness I can actually see what is happening in a situation and maximise the situation so that I direct it to a place that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that if and when I do not stop the fears I have of others, then I am not able to benefit from a networking event because I am caught up in my mind, and this will be reflected in the result.

I commit myself to work on stopping my fears when talking to others because I realise that the results are always in relation to my fear as I produce the cause and the effect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that if I do not stop my fears when networking with others that it will not propel me into the higher echelon in my professional environment - and this is tied to money and influence.

I commit myself stop my fears because I realise that all life will benefit when I do what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that these types of environments are a testing ground for me to give myself feedback about any fears that come up when I relate to others.

I commit myself to actively participate in environments where I encounter my fears so that I give myself the opportunity to release them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that to get to know myself - as the mind - I can get to know myself through another as I reflect myself within another. 

I commit myself to stop seeing myself as separate and work on this point step-by-step and breath-by-breath until it's done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that relationships with others are essential, and that fearing others reveals that I fear myself and that I do not want to look at myself, which will always cause repercussions in my life - most of all economic ones.

I commit myself to no longer allow my fears to dictate my economic situation.

[Continue reading...]

Monday, November 12, 2012

Day 199, 2012 Socialising and the split world syndrome No.4

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In the previous post I applied self-forgiveness to the imagination dimension, in this post I will address the backchat and reaction dimensions. To read the basic premise of this series of posts go to day 195.



 Backchat:

"I need to get that person's name again - what's the best way to do that?"

"Why do they look like they wanna go away when I am talking to them, or is this just a nervous tick?"

"I need to get to the point somehow"

"what else can I talk about that could interest them"

"Why the hell do they want to know all the details of my research.."

"who's the main guy here?"

"I wish I could just say things as they are"


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat "I need to get that person's name again - what's the best way to do that?" exist within me instead of making sure that I get the name in the first place, and not let the moment slip by where I could have asked the person to repeat their name. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat "Why do they look like they wanna go away when I am talking to them, or is this just a nervous tick?" exist within me and use this backchat to interpret someone's actions instead of being here one and equal in the moment.

I commit myself to stay in awareness when I am talking to others and stop interpreting another's physical movements as having relation to the situation whether they want to stay or go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat "I need to get to the point somehow" exist within me, where I worry about when there is a good moment to talk about the point why I am in this networking situation to begin with.

I commit myself to stop anxiety on anticipating how and when I need to bring my point up and start to enjoy myself during the conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat "what else can I talk about that could interest them" exist within me where I worry that I run out of interesting topics.

I commit myself to stop focussing on the external world - no matter the situation I find myself in and trust that what I have to say is here at any moment when I speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat "Why the hell do they want to know all the details of my research.." where I am not finding the words to roll out the basic version of my research's thesis.

I commit myself to stop fears about how to convey this or that, and how it is 'received' by my conversation partner - I speak from the point of being here in awareness and trust whatever I say make sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat "who's the main guy here" where I am anticipating to find the most relevant person in regards to my reason for being at the socialising/networking event.

I commit myself to stop anxiety and go into my mind, where I worry that I am not finding the 'right' person fast enough, and trust that I move forward through networking and eventually will end up with the person that I need to talk to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat "I wish I could just state things as they are" where I am impatient about having to adhere to certain codes of conduct.

I commit myself to accept the rules for moving in these kinds of circles, and stop having backchat or opinions about how to 'behave' within it.


Reaction:

Anticipating meeting people

Hyper awareness to not make mistakes

Expectation of an outcome

Leveraging of the clothes I wear


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate meeting certain people in a networking context because of the assumptions I hold regarding their professional positions.

I commit myself to stop anticipating anyone based on what I know about their work or connections- instead I learn to stand as an equal regardless of whom I talk to and what position they hold.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in hyper awareness where I am assessing what happens around me to understand how to place myself in this context.

I commit myself to stop fragmenting my awareness and remain here in breath and do not concern myself with anything else, knowing that when I am aware in this moment through breath all I need to know is here.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that my efforts yield a return of some sort that I will be able to use to further my interest. 

I commit myself to stop all expectation and apply myself breath by breath until the objective is reached.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the outfits that I have to wear in this context to leverage of for different types of behaviour.

I commit myself to stop, now that I have accepted to wear a suite, going off into a polar opposite by labelling the wearing of these types of clothes as something 'special',  but instead I realise that I am whoever I am in whatever clothes I wear. 
[Continue reading...]

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Day 198, 2012 Socialising and the split world syndrome No. 3

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I continue looking at how I am socialising with strangers when learning to network with high-ranking professionals. In this post I am applying self-forgiveness to the imaginations that I come up with in these situations.  This series started with day 195 (and day 196) where I also explain the overall situation.

I imagine that:

I am talking with someone who is a high-ranking professional and I state straight forward what it is that I am looking for.

I ask the person who wants to move on to the next conversation partner to stop fiddling and listen to me.

I am very direct in my communication and ask people for feedback on what I say, in case I am not being clear enough. 

The next time I see these people they recognise me and are happy to see me again.

I get invited to fabulous dinners.

I can get access to a number of exclusive projects.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I can go past the conventional ways of how conversations are conducted, in these particular settings, and start to be entirely transparent in my reasons for being there.

I realise that I perceive the rules of engagement as limitation instead of accepting the rules as I accept the rules in any job. I commit myself to stop all urges to want to communicate differently than what is accepted and apply the rules as well as I can and understand them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I demand attention from my conversation partner and in that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control the other's behaviour.

I realise that if I want my conversation partner to be here in the moment and listen to me, I have to start with myself as it is a projection of not wanting to recognise within myself that I also behave in this way, wanting to move on during my conversation with someone who I have already identified as not useful for my purpose.

I commit myself to be here in every moment and in every conversations and when I am ready to move on I will do so - clearly - and in that I enable others to do the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I do not limit myself in how I talk to my conversation partners, in that I am totally frank and ask for clarification without talking into consideration that this is not the way people speak to each other in these settings.

I realise that within the context of the rules of communication within these settings I can learn to communicate clearly by bringing points back to the basic idea that I aim to convey, and within that I stop all fears of failure.

I commit myself to slow myself down and take my time to answer questions without rushing myself out of fear to not be clear enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that people recognise me and want to talk to me in future encounters.

I realise that that I must invest myself in creating these relationships if I want to yield a return. Rather than having instant relationships I recognise that I need to build up a network through applying myself in a number of ways.

I commit myself to recognise that I must invest into these sprouting relationships, yet do so within the awareness of breath and a clear starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine how I benefit from networking by making money and receiving other bonus points such dinners.

I realise that it is possible for me to benefit by having these relationships, yet any speculation is useless. I commit myself to 'build' these relationships without expectation but consistently apply myself to further my interest in what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I get exclusive access to all kinds of information and projects because I have learned to network successfully.

I realise that with access comes responsibility. I commit myself to consistently clear my starting point as I am applying myself more in this context to walk my process and create relationships that are based on what is best for all involved.

I commit myself that when and if these networking efforts yield an outcome to use it towards the support of the creation of an Equal Money System. 

[Continue reading...]
 
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