Saturday, November 10, 2012

Day 197, 2012 Consequences of the 1-click approach to life

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This post relates to the series of post on the 1-click character who is looking for this one solution to fix her life. The previous dimensions are walked in posts Day 188 - 194

Here I am summing up the consequences.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I use the 1-click character to gloss over my uncomfortable feelings and by doing so I stop my investigations regarding certain programs that I do not want to face.

I commit myself that if and when I want to hinge everything on one solution I stop and breathe and realise that this is the beginning of self-denial and I must investigate my resistances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the 1-click character allows me to justify and excuse my behaviour because that one solution that I believe will be materialising in near future requires me that I need to focus on making it happen, and while doing I allow myself to not take other aspects of my life into account.

I commit myself to consider my daily life as contextual and never reducible to one point, and stop myself as soon as I plan on 'leaving aspects out' for convenience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the 1-click character allows me to procrastinate with certain points that I am aware of but I excuse by having to focus on the main solution, which I believe is about to enter my life.

I commit myself to dissolve all procrastination tactics and face the points head on through writing them out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the 1-click character is there to create energetic charges instead of me giving myself self-support to act in common sense.

I commit myself to slow myself down so that I can assess in awareness if my starting point is in energy. If and when I am moving from energy, I stop and write until all is out on the page and then I move myself from the starting point of common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the 1-click character to create hope for myself so that I do not have to take responsibility and become self-directive.

I commit myself to uncover all characters that draw on hope and stop all hope by patiently applying myself until I am getting results: breath-by-breath and solution-by-solution.

[Continue reading...]

Day 196, 2012 Socialising and the split world syndrome No.2

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This post continues from the previous post. Here I am looking at the thought dimension.

A picture of me wanting to address someone I met earlier and opening my mouth to say his or her name and nothing comes out and everything around me freezes at once, leaving me standing in this frozen picture with my mouth open.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought exist within me where I project the future of not knowing someone's name and not daring to ask to have the person repeat the name because I do not want to make a big deal out of fearing that I won't remember the name.

I realise that I can make sure to catch the person's name from the beginning, as the introduction proceeds. I commit myself that if and when I can't hear properly what is being said that I will ask the person to repeat their name, and then I will repeat it myself to make sure that I have said it once and know how to pronounce it.



A picture of me and someone else who I am talking with, and they are desperately trying to move on to the next person yet I keep talking to them so that they do not dare to pull away. The person looks uncomfortable with sweat running down their temples and other little subtle signs that he or she wants to end this conversation. In this I remain oblivious to what is happening. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto to the thought that I predict that the person wants to end the conversation and move of whereas I am not really here because I have distracted myself with anxiety and worry.

I realise that this point cannot only be assessed correctly if I stop all fears. I commit myself that if and when I have the worry that I won't be able to read the signal of another person's body language, I stop and breathe and trust myself in making the right assessment.


A picture of me not being able to move myself within the conversation because I have nothing interesting to say and as I am standing there with my conversation partners the conversation dies down, and eventually they leave and talk to someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought exist within me that projects the future of conversations I am involved in, instead of being here one and equal to the conversation.

I realise that conversations are never static and always change, where all are participants and not one participant is in control of how the conversation evolves but all together do so. I commit myself that if and when I have a conversation that I will take responsibly for my participation, not more not less.


A picture of me where I say: "oh no" quite loud as someone tells me how I missed so and so, who was exactly the person I was looking for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought exist within me where I regret the past.

I realise that I can make sure to be prepared and have done my research on who is who before I go to a meeting. I commit myself to prepare myself when I go to a meeting for networking reasons so that I have a grasp on who is who, and if I can't manage to meet that person I stop all thoughts related to regret and failure.


A picture of me rambling on about my work and not making a lot of sense,  and the person politely nodding their head but visibly puzzled by what I am saying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an assumption exist inside of me in form of a thought that no one is going to ask me these types of questions.

I realise that I must be able to give what I want from others to others as well, and thus must prepare myself to do. I commit myself to prepare some of the typical questions I am asked so that I am able to present the information in an easily accessible fashion. 
[Continue reading...]

Friday, November 9, 2012

Day 195, 2012 Socialising and the split-world syndrome

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In the last few days I have been involved in socialising as part of a networking effort. I have been meeting people in a number of official settings e.g. conferences and so forth. What I noticed is that I no longer experience myself as separate whereas I used to judge these people for being different to me. I can attribute this change to my process of self-investigation (self-forgiveness/self-corrective application) and breathing.

While walking my process, I have seen that one of my strategies to cope with living has been to separate and isolate myself from specific streams of culture. In the past, I was very exclusive in where I would mingle and who would be allowed in my world. I was mostly hooked on the fringe of society, I wanted to belong the subcultures along the margin of society, looking in rather than being part of the mainstream, looking out. In hindsight, I realise that I have made life decisions based on not wanting to be part of this subculture vs another. In the course of walking the DesteniIprocess I have seen the programs that I have adopted and believed to be me, which underpin this kind of behaviour. I was able to understand how I used memories of my childhood to create the polar opposite to what my parents liked. I did this because fundamentally I did not want to accept my parents but ultimately I did not want to accept myself.

Living is so much lighter now where I don't have to fight for my right to be 'right on' with my choice of people and groups I move in. This step that I have taken so far, in stopping prejudice against others by seeing myself as the other, has facilitated me to drop my fears in many ways. I no longer subscribe to the introvert personality. I no longer get 'overloaded' sharing the same space with another for more than 24hours.

However, the last two days where I networked more than usual, I noticed that I still enter into a split-world when I go out of my habitual environment and dip into an environment of total strangers in formal settings. I get caught up in the mind because I realise that when I leave the place of gathering, I easily return to consistently bringing myself back into awareness yet when I am in the midst of the crowd, this awareness has slipped away. This point will be investigated in the posts to come.


Fears:

I won't remember the person's name I was introduced to.

I won't be able to read the body language when they want to move on and mingle with others

being asked a question about my work and I don't have a short answer and go into unnecessary detail that they do not want to hear or can understand.

I won't get to the point of my networking effort.

I won't realise who is the most important person in the room with whom I should connect.

I can't keeping the conversation going by saying something interesting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won't remember someone's name, title and area of work and will lose the opportunity to refer to them in some later context.

I realise that when I use my mind I am more likely to not remember but when I am there in breath I am I embody the information.

I commit myself to use the moment of being introduced to someone to bring myself back to breath - and listen to the name, title, and work in the awareness of my breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am oblivious of body language and I won't see when the person wants to move on or switch to another topic in the conversation.

I realise that ever since I started to investigate myself that reading the body language becomes easier as I can see the programs I carry around in others as well. Through being here in awareness, I get a clear picture of what is going on rather than the other way around.

I commit myself in the moment when this fear comes up breath deeply and assess the situation whereby I can look at it in common sense e.g. how long have I talked with this person already, and how many more people are there I can talk to, introduce myself etc. - I commit myself to bring it all down to common sense and mathematics e.g. the gathering in this room will last 2 hours and I have 50 people to move through, and so forth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss when the person moves on and I am not done yet making the points i want to make.

I realise that the use of networking is to introduce myself and get my name in circulation. Furthermore I realise that I am looking to get to know the 'playing' field and placing any expectations on the individual is just my mind sabotaging myself. I commit myself to stop the sabotage and act in common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I don't have short answers ready for the questions that I am being asked, and the person will lose interest and move on.

I realise that when I practice breathing and speaking here in this moment as myself, my communication stems from self-trust. Alternatively, I can prepare a list of questions with answers that I have written down and having gone through the exercise of doing so is helpful because I embody the answers, and have no need in involving the mind.

I commit myself to bring myself back to breath when thoughts come up while speaking so that I am focussed on breathing and speaking instead of assessing another's reactions via my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not getting my point in the conversation, the reason for which I am networking in the first place.

I realise that I can approach the conversations without expectation.

I commit myself to be present in the conversation without expectations of outcome but make use of whatever comes up during the conversation to push my agenda forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I can't identify the most important person in the room because I did not read all of the documents/did not do online research /or have backchat (e.g. they all look alike, everyone is wearing a suit) and thus I do not maximise my opportunity for a successful result of this networking effort.

I realise that I can prepare myself and that stop my backchat. I commit myself to stop all procrastination regarding the preparation and approach networking as a development where I am learning to socialise in the most effective manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not one for small talk and thus have not learned to keep a conversation going so that it is interesting in the context of networking.

I realise that this fear is based on a belief and that I can approach the conversation without performance angst. I commit myself to learn to enjoy myself when talking to others and stop all investment in deep topics and all judgement of one topic being more important than another. I commit myself to stop judging my conversations and thus stop judging myself by remaining in breath when talking.  
[Continue reading...]

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Day 194, 2012 Dissolving the 1-click approach to life: ending with the physical dimension

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This is the last post on this character, and I will be applying self-forgiveness to the physical dimension. I have walked the previous dimensions starting from Day 188. While walking this character I have seen more on how the world around me supports the idea of quick all-encompassing solutions to everyone's life and the world as a whole. Everyone has this "one" problem that needs fixing and then... something life-changing will happen. It's all over the advertisements everywhere.

Of course we don't believe it, of course we know that our life cannot be turned around by fixing this one thing quickly - by throwing money at it (as we deeply believe that through consumption most things are fixable). Yet, when we look into our minds in awareness we realise that what we see in these ads is what goes on in our minds. The fact is: there is no separation between what goes on out there and how we exist in our secret minds. To believe that we are not affected by our environment is the delusion we live daily. It is the point of departure for each one of us to change when we realise that we are the world we have created.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a slight elevated feeling in my body because I believe that I am now on the path of fixing my life for good.

I commit myself to stop abusing my body by generating feelings that make myself feel better. If and when I experience this feeling of elation I check in self-honesty what is happening in my mind and will immediately bring myself back in awareness -  here in the physical world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience me walking in a straighter manner because I believe that now I have a mission to fulfil and I know just what to do to change my life for good.

I commit myself to bring awareness into my body so that I notice how my body posture changes which indicates to me that I am in my mind and must stop.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use self-restraint by physically tightening my body because I believe through tightening my muscles I get ready for action, to find the one solution that is missing in my life.

I commit myself to stop the abuse on my body to draw energy for my 1-click character. If and when I realise that I am using my body through tension while experiencing a good feeling I stop and breathe and bring myself back to the awareness that is my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hasten my movements when I am under the influence of the 1-click character because I believe that when I move faster I will get faster to the end of my misery.

I commit myself to stop speeding myself up by speeding up my body movements. If and when I start to move faster, I realise that I must immediately stop and investigate in self-honesty the thoughts that I am believing to be real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a smile on my face because I am setting out to change my life.

I commit myself to become aware of the facial expressions I have during the day, and in how I use my face when I believe my thoughts.

In my next post I will finalise this character by applying self-forgiveness to the consequences. 
[Continue reading...]

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Day 193, 2012 Dissolving the 1-click approach to life: I am reacting...

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In this post I am applying self-forgiveness to the reaction dimension of the character who wants to have the one-click solution to life. The starting point for this series of posts is with day 188.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel incomplete because I have not found the one solution for all the problems in my life.

I commit myself to stop producing feelings that are tied to giving myself a value based on the external world - I commit myself to see myself as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself because I am not able to come up with a solution to the problems in my life.

I commit myself to stop diminishing myself because I do not perform to my liking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a sense of rush and urgency which I impose on myself instead of just staying here in this moment.

I commit myself to slowing myself down and bringing myself back here in my awareness and exist as and in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I must turn every stone to look for a solution.

I commit myself to stop running wild by slowing myself down in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I must create a balance to this constant stress that I am creating for myself - and that I do this best by diverting myself.

I commit myself to stop believing that diversion is a break from my stress and instead focus myself on breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind on a holiday - to break away from the harsh reality that I am faced with.

I commit myself to stop making excuses to go into my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter into worry loops because I believe that this makes my life better.

I commit myself to stop all worry breath-by-breath and stop seeing any value in worry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to isolate myself because I do not want to deal with having to confront myself within others.

I commit myself to stop denying myself to myself.  


[Continue reading...]

Day 192, 2012 Dissolving the 1-click approach to life: voices in my head

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I continue on this one-click character approach to life - for context see day 188.


Here comes the backchat dimension.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my backchat to try to inquire why I am not approaching my life in the right manner to get to the one solution that saves me from the rest of my problems.

I commit myself to stop judging myself in how I approach my life and see, realise and understand that judging myself is me avoiding responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I have not tried everything yet and that I must be missing a point because I don't seem to get this one solution in place.

I commit myself to stop myself from doubting and develop actual self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow for backchat that tells me that I can't wait any longer and that the solution must arrive now.

I commit myself to stop believing in god to come and solve my problems and take responsibility by applying myself consistently to change my life towards what I want to live in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I must analyse my situation better to see if I am not leaving something out in my assessment of the best solution.

I commit myself to stop believing that I can solve any situation through thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I better shape up now because otherwise I'll time loop forever.

I commit myself to stop threatening myself by creating a backchat like a parent who wants to discipline a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I know why this is happening to me and come up answers to my problems, whereby these answers mutate over time depending on my latest insight.

I commit myself to stop wanting to know, by wanting an answer, by not wanting to remain unknowing, and thus I commit myself to focus on applying myself in physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that all I have to do is focus on staying here in my awareness and the rest will come.

I commit myself to create beliefs about how I deserve a solution to all my problems if I stop thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that things are harder now because I am no longer in my preprogrammed trajectory.

I commit myself to stop looking for excuses why my life is way it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that all have to go through tough times and mine is now.

I commit myself to stop the belief that I am being punished by some higher force.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself in my backchat that I must search harder for the solution because 'it ain't just coming to me by itself'.

I commit myself to stop believing that what I put in must come out on the other end in form of a solution to all of my problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for signs in the environment that I can interpret as getting close to the final solution which will free me from my problems.

I commit myself to stop using my mind to interpret symbols in my favour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify why I am not letting go of the self-restraint because I believe that through the restraint I stay focussed.

I commit myself to stop limiting myself to create discipline and walk discipline as me.  
[Continue reading...]

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Day 191, 2012 Dissolving the 1-click approach to life: Imagine this!

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This post is a continuation from Day 188 (here I provide the overall context) Day 189, and Day 190




Imagination

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that one day when this one solution arrives at my door step that I believe will make all of my life better, I am going have lots of time to do many other things that I am unable to do now.

I commit myself to stop using my imagination to create a believe that my problems are connected to having more or less time to do the things I want to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I no longer need to hold on to 'items of security' and that all that I do for 'just in case' scenarios and preventative measures I take to ensure my survival.

I commit myself to keep investigating the point of safety and security and learn to decipher between practicality and worry/fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that at this time I will experience a new sense of freedom where I no longer have future worries, indicating that this one solution that I construct in my mind is really about having a secure monetary income.

I commit myself to stop imagining that any solution will give me a sense of freedom and realise that I must change myself to bring about an equal money system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I am no longer trapped by my negative emotions and that I am healthy, that all my physical ailments have magically disappeared.

I commit myself to see, understand and realise that I will not automatically stop my emotions and that I must apply myself in self-honesty and self-corrective application to stop emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my imagination to envision how all my problems and setbacks will be changed once I have my one-click solution in place, not realising that this is a form of diversion/denial so that I do not have to look at the problem in-depth.

I commit myself to stop diverting myself and face myself within dealing with my reality by facing each point one-by-one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my imagination to convince myself that my problems are not as significant as they seem to be because a solution is just around the corner.

I commit myself to stop self-manipulation by stopping to analyse the situation from my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my imagination to distract myself from the problems because I do not want to deal with them, and turning them over to my imagination provides a temporary solution where I don't have to take responsibility to act.

I commit myself to stop wanting a quick fix and break down my approach by taking little steps towards stablising myself in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my imagination to postpone dealing with my problems by believing in the one solution approach where I focus on 'just' solving 'one' problem and this one problem will have an onion effect by taking care of all my other problems - and in doing so I postpone all other problems that I have evaluated as 'not currently relevant'.

I commit myself to stop beliefs that are centred on wanting to get out from applying myself. I stop myself from believing in magic tricks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my imagination as emotional band-aid to make myself feel better about my current situation.

I commit myself to stop not accepting the negative emotions that I experience as me. 

[Continue reading...]
 
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