Saturday, November 3, 2012

Day 190, 2012 Dissolving the 1-click approach to life: the one pixel launch

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To read the point of departure for this post, please refer to day 188. In this post I am referring to the thought dimension.

Thoughts:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of me in a relaxed pose, where I am part of a scene with sunshine and nature around me, and all 'problems' seem handled and I am relaxed and content - as the one thought that triggers the 'one-click' character that I use to approach my life with. 

I commit myself to stop pictures that resemble an advertisement campaign where life is perfect and in stark contrast to what everyone lives daily. I commit myself to see, realise and understand when and if such a picture surfaces in my mind, I let it go by without attaching an emotional charge - I realise I can direct myself within this thought by not accepting the message as being real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture in my minds eye signalling an 'after the storm' scene where I have finally succeeded in accomplishing the one solution that has changed all of my life for the better - and through this one thought I trap myself in creating the one-click character.

I commit myself to stop labelling my current situation as negative which is implied by the thought of the one-click solution, and me as the active part with in it as the solution seeker.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of me as the one thought that launches the 'one-click idea to life' which I believe to be true - where I am talking to someone and I am explaining how I changed my life with this one solution, fixing all of my problems so that now I can give advice to others who are looking to change their lives.

I commit myself to stop looking for the perfect approach to my life in order to solve my problems but realise that to live in the current system, I have to manage my life and look for suitable ways that best allow me to be comfortable in daily living and supportive to the group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of me where I am working on a creative project and learning new things, where I finally have the time to do things for enjoyment because I have accomplished to pass this one hurdle in my life where everything changed.

I commit myself to stop holding myself back from being creative and actively integrate creative engagement in my life without creating a dependency regarding the conditions that have to be in place so that I can be creative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of myself in a nice environment with brand-new things around me, all new and glitzy, signalling a new beginning of my life which is reflected in my immediate environment.

I commit myself to see, realise and understand that new beginnings do not need to be made visible in pictures and stop using thoughts to create the one-click character that searches for quick fixes in form of new beginnings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of me having arrived in my new life.

I commit myself to stop anticipating the all-encompassing solution and see, realise and understand that life is lived through the accumulative breath-by-breath approach - I commit myself to apply myself through breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have pictures floating in my head where I am celebrating a new beginning and the end of hardship.

I commit myself to stop judging myself as living in good or bad times, and when the times are bad I must find solutions to make my life good.

To be continued in the next blog.

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Day 189, 2012 Dissolving the 1-click approach to life: continued

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I am continuing this post from the previous day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I do not have the discipline that it takes to make the one point come true, and thus free myself from this life and embrace my new life.

I realise that discipline is easily misconstrued when we suppress ourselves. The root of self-discipline is simple: breathe here in every moment.

I commit myself to making my first stage of discipline breathing in awareness in every moment as I realise that all other points of discipline needed will flow from this one point. If and when my awareness drifts in my mind away from my breathe, I gently bring myself back here by stating: I am the breathing body as "I".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am just not seeing the obvious that is staring me in the face - those obvious points that I can see in other people's lives but I can't see for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being unprepared, to not having thought of everything beforehand and consequentially I am not being able to solve this one point because I lack the preparation that was needed.

I realise that preparation can be practical in getting the physical reality ready for a future engagement, but I also realise that this line can be crossed and one creates a sense of trust through planning and preparation, together with suppressing one's fears.

I commit myself to investigate my motives behind my need to brood and plan, to work from an idea, plan or some other crutch - I commit myself to learn to see the difference between crutch and support in common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not practical enough, that I claim to be practical but that I have not refined my methods to approach things in the most practical manner that will maximise my efforts and bring the result to fulfill this one point that has to fall into place for my life to be better.

I realise that practicality is a learning process because it is one's efficiency in arranging time and space (and the objects thereof) in the best possible manner so that it supports an outcome that is best for all.

I commit myself to investigate my resistances in areas where I am not practical. I trust myself to be a practical person and have developed a solid practicality - however, I realise that I have resistances which keep me from being practical through and through because I circumvent points when I have resistances. I commit myself to firstly identify these and to secondly stop resistances by taking them on in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am too frivilous that I too often get side-tracked of wanting to do something for fun, and thus I curb myself all the time to stay on the ball and not waste my time, to not engage creatively because creativity is not useful to get this one point completed.

I realise that I suppress myself in allowing myself enjoyment because I trap myself within this one-solution approach to my life, where I believe that I will be able to do all the cool things once I am there and thus postpone enjoyment.

I commit myself to permit myself to see the value of enjoyment and creativity in my life. I commit myself to pick up the pieces from where I left them when I dropped enjoyment and creativity. I commit myself to inject an activity into my weekly routines where I focus on the type of activity and not evaluate the activity based on how much time it takes. When and if I get to the point where I start to evaluate the time rather than the activity itself, I stop and look in awareness and in self-honesty at the time frame and my responsibilities, and I make my decision from common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my real problem for not getting this one point done is that I am not responsible enough and that I take things too lightly and only through taking responsiblity will I accomplish that one point.

I realise that I use this point of not-taking-responsibility as a form of self-sabotage, where I enact my parents to suppress myself.

I commit myself to see, understand and realise that taking-reponsibility means that I assess things in common sense. If and when this fear comes up again, I practically put the point on paper before me, and see if and where I can be more responsible in context with all my other responsibilities and priorities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am allowing myself to be influenced by others, and diminish my own views because I actually consider what someone else believes is acceptable for me to take on as if it were an instruction, and if were to stop this sort of behaviour then I would get to the completion of this one point.

I realise that others can give me a perspective but that I am the one who walks the decision and if I rely on others giving me an answer than I am not taking responsibility for myself.

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself on every level and seeing that a suggestion is 'influencing' me is also a responsibility - I therefore practically listen to what is being suggested and then put it next to my perspectives to understand in how this suggestion supports me.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am unable to change and that I am stuck in this place because I am unable to see my patterns clearly and thus I cannot really change myself.

I realise that I am able to change but I also realise to change I must do the work: writing in self-honesty, breathing, persistently bringing myself back to here in self-trust. I realise that this fear is self-sabotage, to avoid doing the work to walk my process - it is the preliminary step to giving up.

I commit myself to stop all expectation of how I will be in the future when I am changed. I commit myself to focus on this moment here and practically do so by creating my schedules and other ways of documenting my activities that I use guideline - stop all excuses for creating expectation or the need to project any situation into the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am unreliable and therefore I can't trust myself to get the work done that needs to be done to reach the completion of this one point.

I realise that I have a tendency to use the program "morality of duty and obligation" to self-sabotage and to suppress myself. I realise that this point of reliability played a big role in my childhood and that I must further investigate here.

I commit myself to see, realise and understand where I use the program "morality of duty and obligation" to create suppression within myself. I commit myself to investigate my memories of in relation to this point and face who I am within that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my actions are unpredictable and that I never know what lies within me, that I am not able to see into myself and understand where I am coming from, and this is what is causing me to not be able to complete this one point and reach a better life.

I realise that I fear seeing my emotions as they surface through my automated behaviour because I believe to be helpless when an emotional ride takes its course.

I commit myself to stop seeing my emotions as separate from me and as something unwanted. I commit myself to understanding that my emotions are useful in showing me where my points lie that I must work with. I commit myself to step by step, breath by breath become accepting of myself as a whole package.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not cautious enough and that in my decisions I don't see how I trap myself because I am too risky based on my beliefs that things will work out, and only if I can be more cautious then I will find a solution for this one point that I need to complete.

I realise that being cautious means acting from the starting point of fear and fearing to not be cautious enough means that I fear not fearing enough. I realise that common sense is a fearless assessment of reality.

I commit myself to apply common sense in all situations and practically implement it by first checking on my emotions as they come up before making any assessments in how to proceed in reality.

To be continued in the next post.





[Continue reading...]

Friday, November 2, 2012

Day 188, 2012 Dissolving the 1-click approach to life: declaration of the end

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In the past weeks I have seen an emotional pattern returning and have finally realised the underlying character who motivates these emotions. While walking the characters who 'takes things personal' and 'not 'feeling' good enough', I have now realised how these overlay in a third character.

The third one is the character who places conditions on my life, the one who does not really live here in this moment but in the future. The 'part' that is the I, who hovers over the ground, feet just above the ground, the character who is driven to make this one point come into being, to make the promise come true to finally l i v e. All this takes place with me realising that I am deluding myself. On the contrary, I realise that this character is based a) on my desires and b) on an external event to fulfil the desire. Clearly, it all comes back to ego and the picture I have of myself of which I refuse to let go.

The reason for this is that I mirror within myself that which I was programmed to do as a child, to place conditions on myself to then allow myself to be worthy, to be content, to able to have a life, to be able to be creative, to be able to do anything if and when this one condition, this one desire is fulfilled - then everything in my life changes. This character is frazzled and embroiled with setups of sabotage, expectation, disappointment, and desperation, but equally signing up for courage, resolution, and determination.

It's the ultimate polarised character that runs our world when we want to fly to outer space and look for life on the moon instead of having a hard look at what is happening to life here; when we think of sustainable energies as the one missing solution to world problems; or the next presidential candidate that's going to stop unemployment - in short, that one solution that will in one click make earth a better place to be - all we have to do is get there. What we are not seeing is that to let go of this character is the only solution because then we can see what is really here, what is left when nothing is seen through the 'desire' lens any more - when we see things within ourselves for what they are we change it, because there is no other point left to tackle.

I have had enough of this character. I want to live here in this moment because this moment is all I have anyway. I stop holding myself back from myself and walk this character until it's done.

The character fears:

being doomed

being without options

being without patience

being incompetent/incapable

being not disciplined

being unable to see the obvious

being unprepared

being not practical

being too frivolous

being not responsible

being influenced by others

being not able to change

being unreliable

being unpredictable

being not cautious

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being doomed if and when I do not find a way to fulfil this one point in my life, then I can never be whole - and I will end up in the worst possible place losing everything that is important to me.

I realise that any speculation on how my future will unfold is total sabotage because the mind has no perspective on reality, what concerns the future or even on the understanding of how the future can possibly unfold without understanding the underlying programs. Within self-honesty comes 'in' sight, that which we call the future and the accumulated reality that is awaiting us.

I commit myself to stop allowing myself to see the future as polarised fragments - if and when I experience the fear of being doomed, I realise that I am here in this world part of the whole of this world, and that I have the resources to support myself in the future by focussing on what is here in the presence - I will practically sit down and focus on breathing and I say loud "I accept myself" "I trust myself".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having no options because if this one point does not get crossed of my list I have no options as I will be unable to figure out what to do.

I commit myself to stop seeing my life as palette of options and realise that options is what I create from the point of desire and the belief in a choice - if and when I experience myself in the fear of having no options, I remind myself that I have a commitment to walk out of my mind, and that all ideas of options are a form of self-manipulation that I can stop in one breath. Practically I say out: "all what is here is equal and I am one of those equal parts walking my process in the service of life".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I do not have the patience to make this one point happen and that I react with giving up too quickly instead of sticking to the point and 'working' it until it gets done.

I realise that there is only one aspect to patience which is to learn to breathe here mindlessly.

I commit myself to slow myself down and render my awareness available to myself in my body where I connect with my environment. I practically do this by sensing my butt sitting on the chair, my finger tips typing on the keyboard, and my feet touching the floor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am lacking competence in one way or another in order to get this one point materialised, in that I have overlooked a skill or a way to approach this point because I do not have the ability or capacity to understand the content of this skill - hence I am blind to the competence needed.

I realise that competence is relative and that there is competence in everyone equally to walk their process.

I commit myself to create a map of myself where I indicate the skills I have and the skills I can develop and within that I work from common sense to assess what I have accumulated realistically, and work from this map as guidance so that I can refer to it if and when the fear of lacking competence overcomes me.


To be continued in the next post of this blog. 
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Thursday, November 1, 2012

Day 187, 2012 Dreaming: The gigantic rock formation and my mother

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I had a dream that I was going to get married. The marriage ceremony was situated in a gigantic rock formation where all the couples were walking along a catwalk for the relatives to see them. All was relatively good and I was ok with my parents being there. As we, the couples, started to walk in front of all those people my mother started to scream and wave at me. I could not believe it, I was so embarrassed. I then moved myself on the other outer edge so that I would not see her. Afterwards, the catwalk was done and I disappeared. I just wandered into the woods and got lost. I wandered around and enjoyed the view, it was all gigantic, just beautiful. There were also other people walking in that area.

On my way back I was thirsty and I looked for water. Then I heard water running and turned around. There was little doe lying next to where the water was running which was a bit hidden. When I got close the doe ran away and I looked for the water by lifting a bit of earth. Once I did, I saw a rather large stone or maybe it was a perl - and then I woke up.

gigantic rock = solidity, steadiness, my process, incremental growth, long term

marriage = union, assembling pieces together, connection

catwalk = presentation, seen, exposure, exhibition

with other couples = not special, one of them, integrating, group ‘thinking’

mother waving and screaming = not discreet, self-importance, drawing attention to oneself

thirsty = wanting to know

edge = decision, fork in the road, change

embarrassment = fear of change, fear of drawing attention to myself

getting lost = running away, not facing myself

the woods = protection, seeking help, not wanting responsibility

doe = scared, gentle, fragile, victim,

water = carrier of programs, memories,

earth = support, substance,

stone = stable self, facing myself


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that there are specific points that are keeping me from integrating myself as myself by bringing all parts back to me from the separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself and thus not trust the process of bring myself back together, and to become one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being special and being just like everyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposure, presentation, being seen as who I am - in that I am not special and just like everyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself by fearing the limitation of this life/system and by not wanting to take responsibility for having created what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being united, whole and integrated with others because I fear that I cannot trust myself as others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing as a point of change within my environment because I fear drawing attention to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear, on the one hand, other people’s attention and on the other hand, I want to be special by not being like everyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing at the fork in the road at in my current situation and not knowing that I can change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face myself because I don’t want to take responsibility to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up my memories by fearing to give up my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that once I give up my memories I will be stable and see myself for who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who my mother is because I fear who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I am and want to hide myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my protection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown, to fear who I am without my habitual protection.

I commit myself to change myself to become one and equal to all that is here and see, realise and understand who I am without my memories/mind.

I commit myself to stop holding myself back from change and trust that myself to change.

I commit myself to breathing and walking my process, to taking on my mind by permitting myself to use my self-support in the form of dreams to guide me to limitations and let them go.

I commit myself to seeing, realising and understanding that my parents are me, and that by reuniting myself with my parents instead of abandoning my parents, as I believe that they have abandoned me, I accept myself.

I commit myself to face myself by facing my fears in all ways.


[Continue reading...]

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Day 186, 2012 Collaborative writing and reactions

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider myself a victim in a collaborative writing situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am being disadvantaged in this collaborative writing project because I am female and I do not have the same amount of 'work' experience as my writing partner, and therefore I believe that my views are being undermined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being taken serious by my writing partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my writing partner takes my writing away from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having a voice in the collaboration in terms of my contributions to the paper.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I 'know' when my writing partner reacts and gets upset.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my writing partner's reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my writing partner's defensive behaviour when I tell him that I am not accepting certain things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself by fearing my reactions and ego pranks when collaborating with my writing partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my writing partner is 'against' me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my writing partner sees himself as better than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that he is doing me a favour by writing this paper with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that he is difficult to work with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that he has a big ego and that he wants to be right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to my writing partner where I feel an energetic charge shooting up from my solar plexus area, and into my head, warming up my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my writing partner with anger where I want to impulsively respond to his statements but then suppress myself because I do not want to create consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my writing partner with emotion where I just want to scream at him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about never wanting to work with him again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat where I condemn him as the worst collaborator.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by the emotions and the competition to win this fight and not let myself be undermined by this 'man'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I can maintain my grounds in this collaboration without reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to my thoughts and my backchat when writing collaboratively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to permit myself to allow for this energetic surge to exist within me instead of slowing myself down in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have written self-forgiveness right from the start of the collaboration because I could see how my reactions were building up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to show myself that I trust myself, and that I know what I am doing when I direct this collaborative project.

If forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to show myself self-trust instead of living as self-trust, equal and one in every moment here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine all kinds of stories and reasons why I am being treated in a disadvantaged manner instead of focussing on the work and stopping my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for these reactions.

I commit myself to stop making this collaborative writing project an emotional drama by stopping myself to believe in my thoughts.

I commit myself to see, understand and realise that I can stop myself by stopping my ego from taking over when, in the moment of tension, I simply take a deep breath and bring myself here.

I commit myself to clear myself before every session with my writing partner to create enjoyment for myself instead of energetic charges.

I commit myself to realise that his reactions are not mine and that all I need to be concerned with in the first instance is with my stability in the interaction, and secondly keeping my focus on the work, and not let judgement interfere with the collaboration.
[Continue reading...]

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Day 185, 2012 Never good enough: my body carries the burden

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This post is the last post in the series of posts on the "I am not good enough" character I have started on Day 179. Here I am forgiving the physical dimension. 







I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back from myself, from speaking, acting and creating because of fear that I am not good enough and the ensuing judgement so that I must stop myself and hold back - where the 'holding back' is literally suppressing the action in my body where my muscles contract, especially around my midsection and my hands become tense and stiff: I freeze the non-action into the cells of my body, as a way to hide myself within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body via self-judgement where I allow myself to 'offload' the resulting energetic charges by dumping them onto my body, which jolts my body the moment this habituated thought pattern takes over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that over time these physical reactions have become habituated where I hold my body tense and tight in places where I am so caught up in holding onto the tension that I have forgotten how to be and exist in a relaxed manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have physically become my mind in the thoughts that I created time and again, and that these have determined and shaped my physical body, like a tree has been shaped by the wind, and that I have allowed this process as abuse against life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept that the moment where I evaluate my self to be not enough for this or that - that I place the responsibility of the burden of judgement onto my physical body which is then doomed by me to carry the burden of abuse - just like me not taking responsible for the system I participate in which creates abuse in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as restricted within my physical body, especially in a situation where I am judging myself as not good enough - I tie myself up by tightening my lips, by drying out my throat and making my voice small and inaudible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have never considered that I am responsible for what happens to my body based on what I am thinking but that I choose to believe that my body does what it does on its own.

I commit myself to persistently forgive the thoughts I have that centre on me judging myself as not good enough and by clearing the thoughts through centring myself in breath instead from the starting point of oneness and equality I will emerge free of the "I am not good enough" character.

I commit myself to the understanding that walking the self-correction is doing the work in the physical time and space which requires application and dedication to myself in self-honesty.

I commit myself to broaden my awareness in how I abuse my body and see, realise and understand that by stopping my thoughts, I stop the abuse on my body.

I commit myself to learn to relax my body by breathing into my body in awareness.

I commit myself to unpacking each and every task from the point of thoughts and characters.

[Continue reading...]

Monday, October 29, 2012

Day 184, 2012 Never good enough: react to be better

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In this post I continue to deconstruct the "I am not good enough" character. This series of posts began with day 179, and in this post I focus on the reaction dimension.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as the "I am not good enough" character and in that I generate feelings of diminishment, of being small, helpless - where I can barely perceive myself in the situation I find myself in, where the task in front of me is so much bigger than I, so that I shrivel away to become imperceptible even to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in response to reading, seeing, and/or listening to something or someone, where I can respond, yet I don't respond from clarity but from a place where I hold back - where I take a moment to consider how I can relate through expressing myself from the place where it is good enough through writing, speaking, creating - and in this very moment I start to hesitate followed by 'freezing' in mid-action to re-consider what I am about to do from the point of self-judgement and the imaginary consequences - and as a result I stop myself mid-way and reverse my action to not finish what I am about to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to respond to a topic/question/insight/skill, where I am looking at this from a place not as an equal but from sitting on a 'fence' looking in because I am not trusting myself to be able to contribute to what is being said/done/proposed/created as I do not see the value that my contribution can make - instead I listen to the voices in my head which are justifying for me why it is important to play safe and withdraw and stop making a contribution to the scene/situation/topic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that holding myself back in mid-action is then suppressing myself - which accumulates inside of me where I allow myself in the future to continuously suppress myself because I have habituated myself in this automated mechanism to listen to the voices in my head when I stop myself in mid-action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I am not looking at my actions from the point of "what is my motivation here to respond/act?" - but from the point of "my contribution is not valuable in the context of xyz", whereby I recognise the difference between these two scenarios by the emotions that arise within me, where I am mostly 'animated' by how 'undermined' I feel in the latter case- when, on the other hand, I am looking at my motivation in self-honesty - why I do what I do - I do not have an emotional reaction but rather gain insight into my automated ' inner workings'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself from 'playing' the "I am not good enough" character in situations where I have to respond on the spot, where I am unable to retract in mid-action, but instead I lose myself within a web of emotions, of feeling not up to scratch so that this becomes my main focus: to hide from others the way that I am feeling about myself and what I have to do/act/react upon in this moment - and in doing this I totally obscure the entire point because I am only focussed on my emotions and this is how I create the fuck up I try to avoid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to others as the "I am not good enough" character where I am trying to 'fit' in and not to 'stick' out by making adjustments to what I am about to say, do, or create from the point of comparison instead of being clear within myself - I first assess what has been done previously to model my contribution as useful and justified.

I commit myself to take note of the moments where I am stopping myself in mid-action, and in awareness gently stir myself by breathing and letting the voices in my head pass by, realising that this what they are - just voices- that I can chose to not believe or engage with them, and within that I can pause myself and then clear myself to centre my starting point within myself by equally standing to the situation, and from this place I respond/act/create.

I commit myself to recognise the moment when I am experiencing myself as intimated by a situation/scenario/topic, and instead of hiding from the moment, I stop my interactions so that I can take a moment and clear myself - whereby I realise that it's perfectly OK to do that - I then take this moment to breathe deeply and realise that I have given into believing my thoughts - and once I am clear and 'reset' to awareness in breath - I continue participating with the scenario/situation/topic.

I commit myself to develop self-trust in how I interact in the world, and in the first instance develop communication through clarity - meaning that I act/respond/contribute from the point within myself that is clear on the topic/situation/scenario - and from this point of clarity I interact using my breath to guide me - and simply do not respond/act/create when I am not clear. I realise within that this is specific to situations where I am not creating to gain clarity through a process of interaction, as in writing myself out in self-honesty where clarity comes through writing - but in situations where I am interacting with others and I make a contribution through my part.
[Continue reading...]
 
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