Saturday, October 13, 2012

Day 169, 2012 What 'rules' me isn't real

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a pattern where I want to change a situation that I consider negative into a positive one by accepting the 'next' best option as solution which removes the situation in question -without considering in common sense the consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a character that sees running away from a situation by taking up the next best option as the only way out, rather than stopping my emotions and investigating my accepted and allowed beliefs and thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider a situation as creating hardship for me when it is me who creates hardship for myself by not stopping my emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do what needs to be done to change myself with patience and commitment without expectation of outcomes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the elements of a situation which I have labelled as "unacceptable" control me - and therefore I allow to push myself into another situation where I have no understanding of the components that make up the situation and where the perceived solution is short-sighted and full of consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want a quick fix to my problems so that I can escape dealing with myself and address the roots of my problems through facing myself as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge elements of any situation as "unacceptable", not understanding that what I judge can never be outside of myself and thus, it is me judging myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I can never move slow enough and that any haste - which is exemplified with me wanting to get out of one situation and into another, where I have resolved my problems through the delusion of the mere act of changing the situation - can only be born of the mind and I must let go of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in a state of desperation where I become blinded to what is really going on with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made decisions in the past where I reasoned with myself - by skewing all points of a situation to get a quick fix solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate my motivations for wanting a quick fix to a problematic situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my emotions rule so that I will actually try to change my physical reality based on a whim instead of a deliberate best for all movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having created a situation that I experience as a problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear creating that which I really want in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand equal to all situation I have created for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created consequences based on hasty decisions for wanting to experience change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a physical sense of urgency which I want to act upon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death and believe that if I act to change my external world I can escape death.

I realise that each situation that I consider problematic is a gift to myself where i can investigate myself and realise how I have programmed myself.

I realise that I have in the past made decisions based exactly on this program, which has often created even more difficult situations as a result.

I commit myself to stop running away from myself in every way.

I commit myself to face the consequences of my creations in every way.

I commit myself to stop believing that I have to struggle and identify what emotional charge is motivating me into believing my thoughts.

I commit myself to stop all urges of believing that I need to act to change my life in my external reality, and realise and understand that I must act regarding my self-accepted beliefs and thoughts.

I commit myself to create an inner stability where I can assess any situation in my life from the starting point of what is best for all involved in the situation.

I commit myself to realise and understand that my focus is myself at all times and trust that if and when I change - my external reality will reflect this change.  
[Continue reading...]

Friday, October 12, 2012

Day 168, 2012 Accepting the consequences of a choice.

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There is a part of me that wants to do my job and get on with it so that I can do other things. These "other" things have in fact become much more important to me since I have become a supporter of the equal money movement. I realised that research work and the accompanying academic arena is a much tougher place to be and do just that, then, for example when running one's own business or being an employée in a company. I realise that this is also the part that no one told me about. What I did realise in the beginning, shortly after I moved away from the private sector, is that many 'rules' and 'codes of conduct' within the academic circle were rather obscure and hidden. 

Since I am no longer in the safe haven of 'supervision' I have seen the reality of academic life and have, for the first time, a much better understanding of why others did what they did, which I could not understand previously when I was studying. I can also see how knowledge creates a skewed picture of the money reality we live in, and how this also explains that academics are so out of touch with what really happens in the world to most people. In that I realise mostly the absolute slavery that exists within this sector of our society, and the delusion that an academic has to live to put up with this much slavery, with little compensation. This is comparatively speaking, regarding the amount of work that has to be performed to create a business and the kinds of compensations one receives from free enterprising. I have seen this too, I have been part of several start-ups where one has to work much as well, but where it actually yields a compensation that will enable one to do other things - these 'other' things I mentioned in the beginning.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged my colleagues as voluntarily working as much as they do because they are workaholics, because they chose to do that to keep themselves 'busy' so as not to face themselves - whereby I realise that there is another reality I never saw as long as I was taken care of by someone else in the protective environment of my studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prior to my choices have investigated this point in more detail, because I liked the "risk" the "adventure", the "prestige", and all the "ideas" I had that academia represented in that moment, and thus I am now facing the consequences for believing my mind/ego.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not realised that prior to coming to Desteni I would have not considered this point further because I would have liked to have buried myself 'for free' - but now that I see that there is so much other stuff that has to be done and that can be done with time and application - and MONEY- I see that my "love for a subject" - has brought about a choice where I did not consider that which needs to be done to change the system.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to - now that I can't have it - appreciate the relative 'life of security' when I was working in the private sector, where there is a better ratio between contribution and compensation and where after 'having done my hours' I can devote my time to other aspects of my life without further monetary concerns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I am/was a workaholic and that academia is/was a perfect place for me to hide my face because I took part in the race for knowledge.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that working a lot is an escape I have used to not face myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have sought out environments where I was required to work a lot, and in that I have had a excuse to say "I don't have to time for this or that (mostly for myself) because of...."


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced myself as 'not challenged enough' and that obtaining a degree was a way to meet this challenge, whereby I did not realise that the biggest challenge is to face one's mind - which is in opposition to what happens in the academic context.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to up until recently have not accepted these realisations and have wanted to find a way that circumvents this situation through strategy and cleverness.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not assess my reality in common sense where I must first of all accept my choices and the consequences I must face - and learn from the situation that I have created for myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a tendency to be optimistic instead of being realistic in how I approach navigating my life on earth.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have blinded myself when I believed that I can change the system with the tools of the system not realising that I can only change the system by changing myself though the steps that lead to self-honest living.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have since I have discovered the reality of my choices been "hoping" to soothe the "pain" of an unsecured, uncertain future where I must constantly apply myself in devising new ways to "beat" the system.  


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that what is happening now in my life is a wake-up call to the greater reality we all live in and a demonstration of how our choices are motivated by self-interest where we fail to see what is really here.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not appreciate what is happening now because in all that is happening I can face myself which is what is most important at this moment for me to create a better place for all.


I commit myself to accept my choice and in that I stand one and equal to my choice.


I commit myself to access all further steps from a place of self-honesty and what is most lucrative for me and the group.


I commit myself to face myself within my next steps where I expose myself to my ego and assess with absolute precision my attachments and my motivations so that I can make a choice in common sense alone unaffected by ego and wishful thinking.


I commit myself to investigate what gets me excited about certain "ideas" which are really just thoughts so that I can stop this "excitement" once and for all and stop the energetic outflow, which I use to trap myself with when making decisions


I commit myself to realise - as Anu says - get comfortable within the system and then focus on my process, and within that I commit myself to make choices that support my process first and foremost.


I commit myself to face my emotions by letting go of ego points and standing here in self-support and within the stability of my agreement.


[Continue reading...]

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Day 167, 2012 A realisation on how I disguised fear with the belief in "resistances" final part

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This is the final part to posts "Day 164" and "Day 165"


I commit myself to, in any situation that arises in my life, first deal with emotions that come up, before proceeding forward.

I commit myself admit to myself when I am not clear yet about feelings/emotions that are still latent within me and work on releasing these before moving on.

I commit myself to keep my starting point clear and write out how I am approaching the situation.

I commit myself to detect my "ego prangs" when looking at the situation, where I uncover for myself my desires and direct them so as to have clear understanding why I do what I do.

I commit myself to realise and understand that all trajectories in this matrix are valid as long as they are best for all.

I commit myself to realise that not making a decision is also making a decision and that I need to expose these reasons, why I choose to not make decisions, and this serves as the basis to my self-investigation.

I commit myself to utilise what I am aware of - namely that humans operate from fear - and do not place myself above this fact in superiority so that I trap myself in skewing the situation only to find out much later that I have deceived myself.

I commit myself to utilise what I am aware of - namely that humans are fear-based - and work to first address all my fears one by one - by asking the question "where is my fear in this?"

I commit myself to map out each trajectory to myself - as I am developing it, all the way to the end, where I can't go any further in common sense and do not leave 'open ends' or 'multiple choice' as a way to avoid completing the mapping task.

I commit myself to realise and understand that all actions have consequences and that no else than me is responsible for all ensuing developments. 

I commit myself to stop all thoughts related to "I don't have time for this" and make process-related activities the first item on my list.
[Continue reading...]

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Day 166, 2012 A realisation about how "not to think"

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When I breathe in awareness I notice thoughts keep coming up and that breathing in awareness has been "short-lived" and restricted to non-activity that is when I am not actively participating in some task in the world. The other day I was riding my bike and I breathed deeply but this time I actually breathed into my body, in other words, I made myself aware of my whole body as breathing entity during an activity.

I was peddling and breathing - all of me was breathing and in that I realised that I actually was not thinking. To be here in breath means to be here as entire physical body breathing in awareness where I experience all of my body at the same time: my feet on the peddles pushing, the wind in my face, my hands holding on....

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that breathing and trying "not to think" is actually not thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I have a body that is breathing and not just my lungs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to use knowledge and information regarding the point of breathing because I have been told that it is my lungs that are responsible for breathing in my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept that I exist in my head and am disconnected from my body where I am not aware of how the rest of my body is doing moment by moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have realised that "not thinking" is actually quite simple but to remain here in my body at all times when breathing and placing my awareness into my body during whatever activity I am doing, for example as I am writing these words - is the challenge of my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that this is the disconnect I am experiencing between my body and my mind, after long hours of sitting on my desk, where I become restless and agitated because I am unaware of my body, where I force my mind on my body - as I have done all of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make assumptions what it is like to be breathing in awareness, when I have never breathed in true awareness and - in that I have not allowed myself to be patient with myself when I did not get it right away, in understanding what was meant to be aware in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have based on these assumptions believed my thoughts "that it was not working" and "that I don't know how to do this" and in that allowed myself to give up instead of being here with myself through steadfast application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt "sorry" for my self-abuse when I realised for a moment the neglect towards my body and also how my thoughts "rip" on my body - through all kinds of manoeuvres in the physical where I have squeezed, shaped, limited, constrained, burned, bound, painted, stuffed and forced my body without any inkling of what I was doing to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not realised that every act I am doing has a physical component where I can either be gentle and consider the physicality of my body, or I can be abusive and consider my body as inferior, as vehicle for my thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise all of the above earlier because I realise that when I dance I have this full-body awareness within myself - but have never actually investigated why I was experiencing myself so differently when I was dancing. 

I commit myself to practise breathing as my body and uncover who I am as the physical in awareness.

I commit myself to realise that all I have to do is steadily lead myself back to breathing and in that I am adhering to my process, whereby I realise that any judgement in this comes from my mind and will always be defeatist.

I commit myself to stop using knowledge and information in the investigation of who I am as a physical body. 
[Continue reading...]

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Day 165, 2012 A realisation on how I disguised fear with the belief in "resistances" Pt.2

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This post is a continuation from the previous post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have imagined that the situation will resolve itself when I just keep going in what I do, where I will do my part and reality will do "its" part by doing the rest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, deep down inside of me, anything is possible, how can I know all that which is possible, not realising that we live in a finite reality where the possibilities can be enumerated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I must have an "open mind" about the world and in that I feared making a decision about what I am willing to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my imagination and by doing so created self-abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I would get more clarity about the situation in time to come.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to asked myself questions, e.g. "why is this or that happening?" as part of my backchat instead of me investigating what actually is happening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as powerless which was evident in my backchat because I accepted myself existing from a starting point of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that asking the question "why?" was sufficient as investigative effort - not realising I could never answer the question "why?" because it was simply a form of backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with a character to the situation, the character that "tries harder" with "courage" - as the "warrior" character - not realising every time I pull out the "warrior" character I am suppressing myself in understanding the situation because I sabotage myself into "acting"as remedy to the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with "doing more" of the same instead of stopping and assessing what it is that I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have physical reactions of temperature shifts in my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience pain in my solar plexus as result of the stagnated fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a situation of "in limbo" as a consequence where I kept myself busy with frustration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the consequence of such a situation, where I respond in fear, is never in isolation but always in context of the rest of my life.
[Continue reading...]

Day 164, 2012 A realisation on how I disguised fear with the belief in "resistances" Pt.1

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I discovered a pattern where I approached a situation from the point of #whatisbestforall by looking at what was in my world, or what is accessible to me in my world. Within that approach I realised that I did not want to deal with certain aspects of the situation. I then interpreted this behaviour as having resistances. In response to this understanding I pushed myself to get past the resistance.

My realisation entails that it was not #whatisbestofall when I looked at my world and I saw everything as equally accessible and valid. It was not so because in reality I did not make a decision about how I make use of what is here for me to access, because I did not make a decision about who I am within all this access available to me. The underlying point here is the split world syndrome (see interview) where our starting point is fear-based. So, for me that meant I did not recognise the fear and in response meandered about what I was willing to live and what not.


As I meandered, I could not know who I was within the points I was facing because I had not made a commitment about what it was that I was willing to live - that which is indeed #whatisbestforall. Hence, I covered up this fact, this failure to decide and then commit, by misinterpreting my relationship to the situation as 'resistance'.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that to "not make a decision" is supportive when I am assessing the world that I live in regarding a particular trajectory I am interested in, and when I need more information about this trajectory to have a complete understanding.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that to "not make a decision" for the above reasons is also a decision, and that this is already enough to first commit myself to one situation, and to then assess the reality I live in to do what needs to be done before making the next move.


I forgive myself that I have not recognised that fear underpins everything I do and that I first must assess what I am doing from this point, because I made hide from my own fear though manipulation where I am unable to see my own fear.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that self-trust means I can investigate my starting point and am one and equal to the process of investigation.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that as soon as only one shred of hope is present, meaning I don't have the full picture of what is reality-based, what are the 100% guaranteed trajectories in my reality that I can follow up to the end and see a viable outcome, I am dealing with a fear-based situation and must stop immediately.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still have an attitude of "let's see what happens" within a given situation and in that I do not realise that I am subjecting myself to fear because I do not want to look into the matter further where I can say, in conclusion, that 1) or 2) or 3) ...etc can happen and I must make a choice to pursue the one that is most suitable for #whatisbestforall


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognise to leave "things" open to be revealed is only going half way in my understanding what my reality, the reality I live in in physical terms is all about, and I leave myself in the unknown deliberately not because that part is unknown but because I have decided to not walk further to find out.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the thought "it must be a resistance" without figuring out what the resistance is about - and why that thought would be valid.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognise that fear, as the default human starting point, is bigger than me in the sense that I must look at it first and foremost, and to never underestimate what I will do out of fear.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always have a sense when something is chaotic, not clear, suppressed - and that I must learn to stop denying the existence of these blind spots and actively address them as points of investigation.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the fear is real and that I have no options but to exist in fear.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not routinely ask myself the question "where is my fear in this?".


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at my fears.


to be continued in the following post. 
[Continue reading...]

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Day 163, 2012 The end of incognito - facing the parental divide

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a protective "wall" around myself because I fear my parents' judgement about my life style/choices.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance to penetrate the wall that I have created because I fear my parents' reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself with fear when making simple statements about my life or when my parents ask me a simple question.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push myself to talk about my life with my parents but then allow for the resistances to "inter" fear and then only partially do what I set out to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience comfort when I am not vulnerable within my conversations with my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my resistances sharing points that I have labelled off-limits with my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be cautious with my parents because I fear their emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be secure within myself because I fear myself reacting to my parents' behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only communicate "certain" information with one parent versus another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as inferior and thus I fear my parents' reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ridiculed by my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that my parents use the information "against me" at some point in time in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that my parents will make fun of me in case I have to revise my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat "...that's none of your business"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat "..why can't they ask me intelligent questions"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat "...I can never say or do anything that is good enough"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my parents conversation by making a commitment to only share what I define as safe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react through a superior stance where I deny my parents access to "certain" information and thus control what is being exchanged in the conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with annoyance towards my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with blame in how I feel after I have spoken to my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a physical contraction in my solar plexus area.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pull the phone away from my ear so that I don't have to listen to my parents speaking - when I feel I have no other choice in terms of wanting to change the conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel heat in my body when I talk with my parents because I am getting angry at the many questions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to separate myself from my parents and see my parents "outside" of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that as long as I have these fears, backchats and reactions - the consequence is that I all my relationships will have an element of what I experience within myself when interacting with my parents.

I commit myself to stop my resistances and push myself to face who I am within the conversations with my parents.

I commit myself to stop censoring what I say to my parents.

I commit myself to realise the true nature of vulnerability by pushing through my fears when interacting with my parents.

I commit myself to realise that interacting with my parents must be done to stop all reactions and stop all lack of self-trust.

I commit myself to realise that blame is me not wanting to take responsibility regarding the programs I have installed when coping with my parents' behaviour.

I commit myself to stop the inferiority/superiority game with my parents.

I commit myself to stop seeing my parents as special people.

I commit myself to push myself to walk this point and get it done.   
[Continue reading...]
 
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