Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Day 118, 2012 What part of DELIBERATENESS did I not understand?

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All that I am in this moment arises from deliberateness, in the sense that it is the “I” that is determining the outcome of the situation that I have created. So if I am the one who is deliberate in every moment then I can, in every moment, decide what I accept and what not - that would be deliberateness.

Now, there are two points I see within that:
First, acceptance/not acceptance does not mean I actually act from whatever I decide in how I implement the decision in the world. I can decide “I don’t accept this” and still behave contrarily, or allow aspects of my decision to slip. At this point, I start giving in and giving up on my decision, and that causes a subtle struggle between me having made a decision and suspending the decision - by giving up - because I am not actually ‘walking’ the decision in reality. In fact I am creating more separation hence the experience of a subtle struggle.

So when does deliberateness in the decision I have made in every breath becomes real? It becomes real in the very moment when I physically move the decision into the time line. In other words, the chain of breaths and the movements of my body that go along with the decision are the ‘lived’ decision of deliberateness. The decision stands in unison with breath as well as the movements that emerge unified with the decision - and thus, unison here creates equality.

The second point is that this has not been my understanding prior to the investigation of the characters that I play as part of my personality suits I wear daily. Previously, I understood deliberateness from a stance of initiation, that to decide about something and then initiate it in the world. Meaning I can be deliberate or not - and when I am not deliberate I am just being myself. However, this is exactly the illusion I have been living and the decisive point of not taking self-responsibility, not wanting to face myself in that there is never a time when I am not deliberate - because I am physical being, I cannot be here and not be here, I am always here in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have never investigated what deliberateness means in physical terms and how it relates to ‘just’ being here in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that deliberateness is always here as I am always here in this physical body and that denying myself to see this from the day I have entered this world is to have chosen the path of not taking responsibility for me as the physical being that I am, but instead have made the decision to neglect my physical existence in its totality, and thus neglect this physical world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have realised that deliberateness is the fork in the road at every breath, the decision of who I am in what I allow myself to be - as physical being in the world but this is only evident in how I walk my time line and is not only dependent on the decision I have made.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the decision is only absolute when the physical body is part of the decision and deliberateness is the sum of all components that create each situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been deliberate in making a decision of stopping my mind but in my application have reversed this decision because as my deliberateness showed me: I have caved in and experienced myself in negative emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fool myself with deliberateness because I have shown myself already that the decision and implementation of the decision on accepting and not accepting emotions, feelings and thoughts, goes hand in hand we me moving myself in unison when I tried to make a decision which created separation of myself as trying is never doing, thus I was unable to walk it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that this sense of unison I have, when I make a decision and I walk it - when I am not wavering in my deliberateness is a moment of equality - because all parts of me are equally participating in existing in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that deliberateness is being in touch with the physical body that I am, with sensing my feet on the ground, my arms are hanging loosely next to my torso, my fingers are relaxed and so is my face - where I can sense my chest going up and down and I am listening to the rhythm of my breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that when I am here deliberately in oneness as me with all that is here, there is an ‘ease’ of being to being here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have realised that deliberateness must be - at this stage in my process - a consistent application that connects the decision with the implementation of the decision through moment-by-moment breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have never realised that hope, dreams, wishes and there alike are all deliberately creating separation between what I desire to create in this world from common sense but what I actually create because I neglect my physical existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only now realise that through deliberateness I can penetrate the separation I experience within my daily living, for example that I am not able to be entirely deliberate within myself - as I have now explained deliberateness - when I speak to another and that through deliberation - through the act in unison with decision, my body, and breath - I will eventually create unison through and through and equalise all separation that I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not realised that I often realise in hindsight what I have created, when I have acted in separation, and that I do this deliberately for me see that I can make changes to act in equality by being deliberate in awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not realise that I have placed myself into situations deliberately, even when I was not aware in my conscious mind, so that I can stand up from my self-created limitations.

I commit myself to investigate how I deliberately separate myself from myself when I make a decision in my world.

I commit myself to utilise deliberateness in awareness - as the awareness of being here in this world, in what I accept and not accept myself to be.

I commit myself to push myself to be aware as physical being in how I create my world through deliberateness.

I commit myself to apply deliberateness in my daily application and create clarity about what I am facing within myself. 

[Continue reading...]

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Day 117, 2012 Nice to meet you super woman, but you are not real!

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I have so much going on, and I do it to myself. It is as if I am trying to be superwoman. I am currently in the middle of moving from one city to another, and we are doing everything ourselves. I used to be able to 'throw' money at my moving endeavours, where at least I had some service help me, such as hiring a company to actually drive the stuff to the new location and unload. Now it's all up to me/us. Somehow I don't seem to register that I can't do a million things all at once, and it does not even mean doing them slowly, step-by-step, but just the sheer amount of 'loose' ends I am trying to tackle.... Looking at it, I have about seven projects running in parallel and all are apparently urgent, need my attention, and need me to move them forward at the same time

Yesterday I noticed that I am beginning to make mistakes. Small ones, like writing non-sense to a mailing list because my sentence is only half on the page while the rest is in my head. Other mistakes are also occurring where I have to backtrack. I know that I need to 'just' let some of the projects go, momentarily, so that I can re-prioritise. So why do I know all this and don't do it?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on more projects that are possible to do by anyone, yet I desire to prove to myself that I can do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not even consider that this is not the way to go about living but have seen it as 'normal' because the people in my world are also taking on a lot of projects and are constantly struggling to move these projects forward - and so I have accepted to believe that this is the normal way of existing of a 'professional'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that commitment means I cannot miss a beat, because if I do it has consequences and thus I must do everything in my power to keep my fingers in all the things I am involved in so that I don't lose touch - even when the quality of my contribution goes down because I am just not physically capable to juggle it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stay in breath, but only believe to be working in breath, because if I were here in breath I would realise that to work like this is a mind fuck.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss because I fear that I am no longer a valued contributor if I must take time out and devoted to a other things because they have a momentary priority and because they require more time in the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beat myself up when I make mistakes because I feel embarrassed as I realise that the whole world can see that I am in it 'over my head' - that I am stressed, not in breath, and not walking my process in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create inner conflict and energetic experiences by taking on too much and trying to multi-task across the board of my various involvements in projects where I end up in self-judgement and negative self-talk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that this cycle produces energetic charges and that these charges are emotions of shame, inferiority, and self-devaluating thoughts which I believe and which drag me heavily into my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in this cycle even though I have shown to myself that this is indeed a program because I can feel the emotions 'rise' up in my body and if I fail to stop them, I enter into a cycle of suffering - as these are the consequences of what I have allowed and accepted myself to be in the game I play when I try to be superwoman.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable in my body when I realise that I have too many things to attend to, where I can feel a weight on my shoulders dropping down from the sky, and the pressure against my stomach - where I experience my body in a state of bondage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek external validation through staying on the ball within all of my projects, and fearing consequences if I do not manage to get everything done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that this is a programmed habit for energetic charges that I have seen in many women in my life. The steps of the pattern I have identified are these:

1. Getting involved with too many responsibilities or commitments
2. Trying to do the best in all of them all of the time.
3. Not being able to do so, and/or making mistakes, and creating backchat and self-judgement as result.
4. Getting frustrated, or shameful, or anxiety-ridden.
5. Releasing the emotions in one way or another, to temporarily believe all is OK again.
6. The cycle starts again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see/understand/realise the pattern in myself and others yet, I do not give myself permission to break it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realise that the entry point in this pattern is to seek self-validation from the external world instead of validating myself here as life, breathing, stable and one with all that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I have been raised to perform and thus have accepted and allowed myself to make performance in the world the main objective of my daily living instead of being here in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I don't do it no one else will and thus I need to be sure to apply myself, to be sure that things get done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other people's failure having consequences on my life because I am linked in my endeavours to other people, and I do no trust them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed importance on achievements or completion of work/tasks/projects because I believe the consequences of not getting to completion are greater than me skipping a breath or two.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the external world more seriously than myself here in breath, because I believe that the external world is shared and thus if I do not perform accordingly it affects other people, whereas me breathing or not breathing or being in the mind is not a shared endeavour - because I cannot fathom how it is shared - and because I can't see how it affects others when I do not stay here in breath and stop my mind, I believe that it is not as valid for me to pay attention to my breath as my first commitment and priority in my daily living and application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are only consequences to my conduct what I can perceive with my eyes and my senses what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in regret because I have not give myself the opportunity to be here, and apply myself as my Self, and thus as all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that this pattern is one of the many patterns I have accepted and allowed myself to execute to draw energy - and that this is the only reason that this pattern exists - therefore I can just let it go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to being 'busy' because being busy enables me to not have the time to face myself in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a picture of myself where busy-ness is associated with recognition and achievement in the world, and thus I overload myself to achieve what I picture in my mind's eye.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept emotions of regret, shame, anxiety, and frustration as real, instead of realising that they are a by-product of patterns that I have accepted to exist as me in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of my parents telling me that I have to work hard if I want to get somewhere, and thus I have created myself as hardworking because I am afraid of failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a memory of my parents telling me that I have to work hard if I want to get somewhere, and by holding on to this memory I have defined self-worth, recognition and status within the memory of my parents telling me that I have to work harder if I want to get somewhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self-worth, recognition and status by defining self-worth, recognition and status within the memory of my parents telling me that I have to work harder if I want to get somewhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that recognition and status is always, at all times, associated with the picture I have of myself, the picture that determines my life as long as I make it so, and when I release the picture by letting go of the wants/needs/desires, I can release all the patterns that come with the "How" to achieve the "What".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that self-worth is equal to my self-trust, and through trusting myself I can walk my process and breathe, and stop the patterns I have created, and in which I allow myself to exist.

I commit myself to stop the picture I have of myself by giving myself permission to stop pursuing the picture I believe to exist as.

I commit myself to realise in physical reality that I can stop this pattern of wanting to be super woman, the moment it comes up because I realise that the moment I have a thought that leads me into the future, I can no longer prioritise what needs to be accomplished in the short term.

I commit myself to realise in physical reality that planning does not involve having to do all at once but to prioritise what is here and what is most important in terms of the relationships it creates with other people and thus the timing that has to fall into place.

I commit myself to step out of the cycle of this pattern and focus on me in breath, and realise that my control over my life is only in this point of breathing here.

I commit myself to stop my emotions of shame, regret, anxiety and frustration as I see clearly how they are connected with wanting to achieve the elements that make up the picture I have of myself in my mind's eye.

When I come to cross roads again where the 'project world' overlaps with tasks, deadlines, meetings, I commit myself to stop myself and breathe first, and slow myself down before I make any decision to proceed.

I commit myself to profoundly understand and live that all I can ever be is here in this moment. 
[Continue reading...]

Monday, August 13, 2012

Day 116, 2012 How making money connects to the picture I have of myself.

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This post continues the series of posts on "what I want in the picture that I am"  Day 53, Day 54, Day 55, Day 56Day 58, Day 59, Day 60, Day 61, Day 64, and Day 65

The reference interview for this series on EQAFE by ANU: "Facing the question of who I am"

In this post I draw out the connection between ego and money on the desire/wants/needs in relation to making 'serious' money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a
possible opportunity of making money as invalid because I believe that I can predict what is entailed in the tasks that I have to do, and
from this mental prediction I judge this opportunity because I have a fixed I idea of what kinds of tasks are enjoyable and which are not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have
programmed myself to live up to status and recognition - in the way I have defined it - where I decline an opportunity of making serious money because I limit myself to ‘only’ get involved in activities that I consider “suitable” in the framework of the picture I have of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realise that by limiting myself in this way, I trap myself in struggle
because I cater to my ego instead of catering to what is best for all,
and thereby being unrealistic what it takes to survive in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still
believe that this system has something to offer - something of value to life - and that I want to participate in these value-creating
activities that will improve life on earth - when in fact I do not
realise that this is a justification because the real issue is that I
justifies my desires under false pretense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realise that I can support the change for a better world by making
'serious' money - and by utlising this money I make to further the cause of equal money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can project what the future will be like -  if I were to engage in these tasks -  when in fact I am totally clueless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in conflict where I am ‘excited’ about the potential of making 'serious' money but am already 'weary' of the tasks I think I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realise that desires/wants/needs equate to limitation because they do not consider all that is here equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an alternative reality in my head where I work out how all the
ingredients of money, work, and live style come together which I then judge as good or bad - and thus as acceptable/unacceptable and this then forms my starting point for making a decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must equate my performance in the work world with money whereby I expect that others expect me to perform at the highest level - if I make a lot of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate my self-worth with money and thus react to being asked to produce a figure of how much I want to earn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realise that the value of my work can never be equated with numbers because I am life and therefore the only value of me and what I do and express - is life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self-sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not worth the salary I would like to earn because I limit myself through fear of failure and 'what if...' thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have
created a morality around the issue of how much money I can make, because I equate making money with what I deserve.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realise that to deserve is to deliberately create myself 'less than' -
so that I do not have to take responsibility for what I create.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realise that deservedness is a religious concept which describes the
act of serving devotedly to a higher being, which determines life and death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realise that deservedness is the starting point of negative polarity
seeking the positive polarity through some outside force, that which is given as reward, thus it is the acceptance and allowance to do whatever it takes to satisfy the external and act in self-interest without responsibility to self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I disappoint because I believe that when one is put on a high pedestal, one necessarily has to come down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to evaluate my actions based on my expectations of myself - which is also part of the picture I have of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realise that all thoughts around the issue of money and how I see
myself can be resolved with self-trust, trusting that I can be here in
every moment and approach any tasks in common sense.

I commit myself to stop associating money with deservedness and performance.

I commit myself to stop equating money with my value as life.

I commit myself to stop all links with potential failure and high income.

I commit myself to stop investing myself in limitations by catering to my desires/wants/needs.

I commit myself to stop looking for solutions in a system that abuses life and will never stop doing so - thus a system that is
dysfunctional and does not offer solutions.

I commit myself to make serious money if the opportunity is given to me and will apply myself in breath to act in self-honesty.

I commit myself to equally let go of all expectation if and when the opportunities of making 'serious money' ceases to exist and treat this opportunity as any other opportunity, regardless of the amounts of money involved.
[Continue reading...]

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Day 115, 2012 The justification character: the last stop in the fight for my picture-perfect limitations

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my actions by creating the ‘justification’ character. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the justification character to remain stuck in my opinions:  the justification character is the middle ‘man’ who supports me to co-exist with my opinions, in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have opinions because I have a picture of myself in the world how I desire myself to be, and how I want others to see me and by maintaining and expanding this picture I use a number of characters that support me in my self-created illusions, existent in my mind’s eye. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I deploy the justification character to ascertain the opinion character and the belief character whereby I use the blame character and the judgement character to support my opinion and belief character. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the beginning of this chain of characters always starts with me wanting to cater to the picture I have of myself in my mind’s eye - thus the justification character starts with me wanting and desiring to be more than me, here in physical reality. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I am without the picture of me and thus to exist in the world without any justifications. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always know when I am justifying my opinion and my decisions because I listen to my internal self-talk which is a dialogue between two sides whereby I only ‘hear’ my side - that which I justify. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the moment I justify my actions I do not allow myself to investigate the content of my thoughts, consequently I cannot support myself and move out of my mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have slowed myself down so that I can identify how the justifications link to the picture I want to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I use the justification character to suppress myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to not realise that when I am in the situation where I need to make a decision I often refer to others for input in that I am soliciting confirmation for my “thinking” by presenting skewed information, because I don’t want to take responsibility for my actions, and once another agrees with me I leverage off the justification character to 'contain' myself - and create a scapegoat by using the blame character if i need to - and when things don’t work out I blame those who have initially confirmed me in my thinking. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that when I am in the situation where i need to make a decision that I will ruthlessly abuse information and people, to make a decision that will support me as the picture, an illusionary stagnation, and enslave me in the trajectory I have chosen to walk through the decision. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions complicated and tedious because I use the “I don’t know” character to stall for time until a solution presents itself - any solution -  instead of me taking self-directive action and, in the end, I can justify my inaction through saying "I did not know”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the “I don’t know” character as valid - by justifying my inaction. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disguise the “bottom line” of all situations by deploying the ‘justification’ character and dismissing common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disguise what is best for all by manipulating information so that it suits my justification character. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have realised that the justification character is last step in the consequence of the picture I have of myself in my mind’s eye and which I allow to determine actions. 

I commit myself to stop myself from acting out of justification and investigate to see and realise the picture that I am holding onto.

I commit myself to stop my opinions because I realise that whenI when I have opinions, I buy into my limitations through justification.

I commit myself to stop answering as “I don’t know” to any decisions I have to make and direct myself in breath and with common sense.

I commit myself to address myself in patience through slowing myself down so that I can see what I create through my justifications. 

[Continue reading...]
 
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