Saturday, July 28, 2012

Day 102, 2012 ...giving up? It's a character

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept myself to exist as the “I give up” character.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have accepted myself as powerless because I have grown up in a world where I was taught and believed that everything in the world was bigger than me, and where I could only do one thing and succeed, which is try to adjust myself to fit in.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created myself as the “I give up” character from within my mothers womb - as in the original polarisation of negative experience/starting point seeking the polar opposite in positivity which plays out within the context of me being not enough as me/self, and thus I must strife to create more of me/self by seeking to satisfy the external structures that which we as humanity have put into place to limit ourselves, and to ensure that all who try to change the ways of humanity so that life can better for all, will succumb to the “I give up” character. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the structures we have erected in form of the layers up on layers of rules/regulations as well as traditions and cultural behavioural patterns along with mechanisms of policing ourselves e.g. morality, have only served to maintain these structures and have reinforced the existence of the “I give up” character. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have existed in separation about knowing what needs to be done and not doing it in the world because I have limited myself through fear and ego, and where I have taken “the bigger than me aspect" of the world around me as my cue for how I have shaped myself through programming and have done nothing to close the gap of separation by pushing myself to do that which I know needs to be done - which I have kept to myself in secret - and have justified myself in self-righteousness as to why I can’t do anything about it through my self-created separation. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have never understood that the self-pitty, self-defeat, and self-diminishment are not in support of who I am but in support of the system because every time I make a step forward to close the gap between the system and myself and I give up in response to the system, I use self-pitty, self-defeat, and self-diminishment to return to my position. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have trained myself to respond to external circumstances instead of act in common sense by utilising the giving up character.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek out pleasant experiences not realising the self-deception because "pleasant" is a state of mind in absence of common sense. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use how I feel in my body as excuse why I need to give up in order to improve how I feel - thus believing my mind to tell me what is good for my body when my mind is so utterly separated from my body, where I am completely unaware of my breathing or the internal state of my organs, yet I trust my mind in the “promise” to feel better when I give up.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not realise that the “I give up” character starts as soon as I get up in the morning when I do not self-direct to accomplish what I set out to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that my “I give up” character is about a momentary decision that I make, which affects all parts of my life in its consequence across moments, days, months and years. 
I commit myself to stop all beliefs that in and of themselves are limitations.
I commit myself to stop all diversion manoeuvres which will lead to giving up
I commit myself to push myself beyond my fears from and of the system and realise that all fears are made to keep me in my position.

I commit myself to give myself permission to move beyond my fears. 
I commit myself to release all ego mechanisms that prevent me from walking in common sense.
I commit myself to stop listening to my mind concerning my body and use muscle testing to access information of my body. 
[Continue reading...]

Day 101, 2012 Facing failure and all its characters

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The failure character does not appear alone. When I engage in the win/lose game of our society, I create expectations and if then reality does not correspond to what I expect of myself, in response to my efforts  - by having won in some form, I report failure - and I roll out this failure via a bunch of characters. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to respond to the outcome where my contribution was not accepted with a thought of heaviness, upon reading about it, whereby I immediately identify myself with the outcome and allow myself to enter into the “giving up” character.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that even when I say "I don’t have any expectations" I still have expectations, which I realise when I receive confirmation of an outcome that does not meet my expectations, and thus I react with a sudden heaviness and sinking feeling in my solar plexus to the words that inform me of the negative outcome, and I lose all stability in breathing here. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not been self-honest in how I have dealt with the situation where I instead of standing here in self-trust, I concealed my lack of self-trust by secretly hoping that the external world would accept me, by selecting me, so that I emerge as winner. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created the “confidence” character as the initial character, who I allow to step in to cover up my fear of failure and my expectations to win - which I reveal to myself in the moment when the outcome is presented to me, when I am exposed to the fact that I have not won - and I see in self-honesty that I have just blinded myself with the "confidence" character to avoid dealing with the expectation but now I experience myself through thought/picture heaviness and the overall sinking feeling in response to the negative news. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have acted in self-dishonesty through  the “confidence” character instead of trusting myself in breath that no matter the outcome I remain here with all that is here and continue to apply myself until I succeed. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to respond to the one-pixel thought of heaviness, of weight falling on me, where the overall thought/picture is dark and cloudy, by entering into backchat where I try to justify to myself why I had a negative outcome while my body goes into contractions, my shoulders slump, my breathing becomes heavy, and my voice is somewhat broken.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to hold onto the “confidence” character where I clear my throat and continue as if nothing had happened so that I can keep up my façade and make myself believe that I was not affected that much after all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately start to search in my mind for similar situations, where results are outstanding, where I then allow myself to go into anxiety within the expectation that the result will also be negative, just like this one. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I use this moment to then go into self-defeat by looking at other situations in my life, where I can suspect future failure, or point already to failure and loss, instead of stopping my mind in breath, right here in this moment and stop accepting defeat as my Self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then enter into a battle with my backchat, where I aim to stop the chatter in my mind, and the sinking feeling of disappointment in my body, at which moment I give way to the “I give up” character and start to compare myself to others who have succeeded - which is yet another manner where I allow myself to exist in defeat.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move from the failure character to the giving up character where I try to convince myself why my participation was useless from the onset, to make myself feel better, and stop other efforts to continue to apply myself in similar situations. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to make myself feel better instead of understanding that these are the rules of the consciousness game, which I can change by changing myself, by stopping the characters I play and the resulting identification with the external world, where I instead focus on my Self in self-trust, as trusting myself every step of the way that I walk in this world as the living process of change - in which I determine my SELF through the physical substance in breath - ending all points of separation one by one. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the desire to win is also the desire to fulfil my wants/needs/desires and to produce a situation that "fails" so that I do not step out of the cycle of chasing my desires in what I do - and thus not make the decision to end myself as preprogrammed entity by stopping all wants/needs/desires and all ways I pursue these wants/needs/desires.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that once I feel better and the energetic dimension of the self-created experience subsides, I will re-enter this cycle with the next expectation of winning, or hoping to win in a situation which starts of with my “confidence” character, downplaying my expectations regarding the efforts I have put forth to win, and I repeat this choreography of characters until I stop.

I stop.
I breathe.
I commit myself to stop the "confidence" character, the "failure character", the "giving up" character in all their dimensions realising that what I have written here is only the tip of the dimensionalities - and in that I am committing myself to not stop writing until all characters have been deleted in all their dimensionality.
I commit myself to slow myself down so that as soon as I receive the report of a result in a win/lose game of society - I can stop the heaviness thought/picture and stop the unfolding of the characters. 
I commit myself to slow myself down to when I create any submission for the win/lose game of society, I observe my body and any feelings of excitement where I realise that this excitement is an indication that I am expecting a positive outcome where I have won, and in that moment I apply myself in self-forgiveness and walking the solution as me here in breath in my participation of the win/lose game of society. 
I commit myself to stop my desires to win and realise that I can work/exist in the current system by steadily participating in the win/lose game without expectation, yet steadily applying myself to create a comfortable work/live space where I can prepare all that is necessary to walk my process and to contribute to changing the world to a place that is best for all.
I commit myself to stop my ego, and all it’s ‘accessories’ which are ultimately based on being/feeling/pursueing specialness - and to have my specialness confirmed by winning the win/lose game of society.
I commit myself to walking the point of self-trust until I can be here in breath no matter what happens in my life, and what challenges I am faced with.

[Continue reading...]

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Day 100, 2012 How fear of a fly has transformed me

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We have experienced the invasion of a particular fly in our house. In order to keep their multiplication under control we had to kill the flies. However, we were unable to control them ourselves so we had to call an exterminator to take care of it. Meanwhile I have created a fear because I experience myself as being invaded. I realise I have not seen this character before but I recognise that much of this behaviour is how I have seen my mother react before....

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to kill the flies but to perceive myself that I must do so to keep the multiplication of the flies in check and in order to do so I have separated myself from the fly - where I have become squeamish when I see the fly in response to me having to kill them more 'easily' as the separation 'helps' me killing the fly so that I can see the fly as negative/bad/wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not stopped the separation as I saw it evolve from being relatively ignorant of the fly as in "oh, just another fly" to now an emotionally charged statement "omg, another fly!" where I now react to the fly in fear and anxiety. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to this particular fly and not to other flies because I have a belief that this fly has done me wrong by invading my house.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react the moment I see one of the flies where see as a thought a fly that is bigger than me, that grows from a little fly to a monster fly, that keeps growing bigger and bigger and once I have seen this picture/thought in my mind I react with physical movements that are jittery and spastic as if I want to shake off the experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that this reaction is a program that exist somewhere within me and that I am still responsible for my reactions and not look for excuses of dealing with the fly problem in our house.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify killing the fly by labelling the fly as bad/wrong/negative, therefore separating myself from the fly, instead of realising that the fly is life in a bodily suit just like mine and that the reason of their invasion is based on our economic system - as I am aware of the reason related to the owners of the street and their refusal to sell the street to the city so that the sewage system can be repaired - and instead of taking responsibility for this situation as member of this economic system that sacrifices all life for money, I justify my behaviour towards the fly in separation. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created bodily reactions such as itching, and a heightened awareness within my body to anything that touches my body as I am suspicious and suspect that it might be a fly trying to bite me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have programmed myself in this manner at some point - and that even if this program is not known to me previously because I experience myself as surprised about my voice and bodily reactions, I must apply myself to correct myself. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself - in the moment I see one of the flies unexpectedly -  in a possessed state where I believe I cannot stop even though one minute later I have stopped myself. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop the onset of the possession as I feel it coming on by stopping the separation between myself and the fly and by realising that the fly is life just like me and that all other attributes e.g. the fly biting, the fly being a carrier for disease - is irrelevant and only used by my mind as forming opinions and beliefs about the fly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have backchat about stopping my reactions where I believe that the reaction is too fast and because I am 'surprised' I am unable to stop myself from reacting. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of myself because I exhibit this type of automatic behaviour when I used to be the one who took care of insects that my mother could not deal with, and now I am standing in the same position as my mother. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to label this type of behaviour as typical helpless female whereby I have labelled myself as tough and not being a typical helpless female and thus I experience myself internally conflicted between beliefs, as I see that I exhibit that which I have used to separate myself from other women. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory of my mother screaming when seeing a spider exist within me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the memory of my mother screaming when seeing a spider.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define silly female, out of control, hysteric, dependent, helpless, typical woman, within the memory of my mother screaming when seeing a spider. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from silly female, out of control, hysteric, dependent, helpless, typical woman, through defining silly female, out of control, hysteric, dependent, helpless, typical woman within the memory of my mother screaming when seeing a spider, in separation of myself. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that silly female, out of control, hysteric, dependent, helpless, and typical woman are here as me equal and one in every breath. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have programmed myself to not be squeamish towards insects as I can see now when I react squeamishly therefore I can see that I have installed a program on top of another to better fit the label I have given myself as tough, independent female. 

I commit myself to end all fears and anxieties towards any animal big or small and see every animal within in the equality of life. 

I commit myself to stop my behaviour towards the fly and thus I stop all reactions whether the fly appears suddenly or not. 

I commit myself to stop labelling myself in any way and realise that this is how I allow my Self to exist in ego - therefore I realise that my ego must end.

I commit myself to stop labelling others in separation of myself and realise that all human behaviours are part of me as all others are here as me - and in that I utilise these behaviours to write self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to create an equal money system where all life is honoured equally and no life is sacrificed for ownership or money. 




[Continue reading...]

Day 99, 2012 My dialoguing character - part 2

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Another dimension of this dialoguing character is on the premise of part 1 but here the experience of not getting my word in is because I believe that what I have to say is more correct more valid than what the other person says. Here my motivation is a different one, it is based on self-righteousness where I am in competition with the other person in delivering my opinion or my knowledge and it's about 'drowning' out the other's opinion and knowledge through getting my words into the conversation.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in conversations from the starting point of inferiority towards some information/knowledge/opinion that I have and I want to use in relating to another to establish myself as superior. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have subject matters exist within me where I have passionate feelings attached to and in having these feelings I use the information/knowledge/opinion as tools to manipulate others in relating to them, to create an energetic 'high' for myself. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself with excitement when I begin to dialogue with someone about some piece of information or talk about my opinion, where the picture of standing at the starting line of a race, such as a marathon, is the symbol for me getting ready to win the race of words.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself right at the beginning of the discussion and throughout the discussion to merely exist as a mind talking, where all else vanishes, including the other person and I no longer perceive anything else around me - where my focus has shifted to the topic of discussion and the retrievable information which is in the moment the only value of life for me


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that in the moment where I allow this picture of the starting line to have a hold of me, I am an abuser of life whereby I do not use my awareness to stop myself but instead proceed by talking myself into an possession, where I unleash my demonic nature to suppress life. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter into a discussion of self-righteousness from the starting point of wanting to win the discussion where my body is heating up, my cheeks are reddening, where my breath starts to race in parallel to my racing thoughts where I transform my body through the adrenalin rush of excitement as I, as my mind, cease the opportunity to establish myself as superior. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop even when the other person is already defeated from my perspective, because I adhere to my ego where I want to get all the information/knowledge/opinion out there regardless of the other's person presence or participation in the discussion. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for a moment within this situation/discussion where I can insert my words more frequently until I 'get' the other person to stop stating their information/knowledge/opinion and to see and agree with the points that I am making. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not hear what is being said at this moment but to use fragments of what is being said by the other to leverage myself so that I can continue talking about my piece of information/knowledge/opinion. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be forceful within this character in that I will not allow my ego to be defeated and that I will talk until I am done or until I see no other way at which point I say to the other person "you have your opinion/insight/information and I have mine".


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when the discussion does not end for me in the manner that I want/need/desire - meaning that I win the argument and emerge as superior - and when this does not happen I create backchat about the other person where I diminish their standpoint/opinion/knowledge and have no further interest for more discussions. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself defeated when I did not get all my words into the discussion where I succeed in winning the person over to my piece of information/knowledge/opinion.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to raise my voice during the conversation because I perceive the other person's information/knowledge/opinion as threat, to win the discussion and thus believe that raising my voice allows me to get more words in and to be better heard. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the other as hostile and unfriendly when the result of the discussion does not take the course to my liking.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience my body as heavy and exhausted, like a weight that sits on me, where I drag my body and my movements are heavy - when I perceive that the result of the discussion has not turned out in my favour.  


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the other as friendly and nice when the result of the discussion corresponds to me winning the discussion with my argument, when my discussion partner agrees with me. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory of my father where I am questioning his motives and he answers me that "this is the way things have always been done" and I experience myself in state of helplessness because my question is not answered nor dealt with in some manner,  and then I have this urge to want to penetrate the wall my father puts up as I do experience what he says as fear of not wanting to reveal to me what he really things about the matter at hand, exist within me.  


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a memory of my father where I am questioning his motives and he answers me that "this is the way things have always been done" and I experience myself in state of helplessness because my question is not answered nor dealt with in some manner,  and then I have this urge to want to penetrate the wall my father puts up as I do experience what he says as fear of not wanting to reveal to me what he really things about the matter at hand.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define provocation, challenge, and being stubborn within the memory of my father where I am questioning his motives and he answers me that "this is the way things have always been done" and I experience myself in state of helplessness because my question is not answered nor dealt with in some manner,  and then I have this urge to want to penetrate the wall my father puts up as I do experience what he says as fear of not wanting to reveal to me what he really things about the matter at hand.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate  myself from provocation, challenge, and being stubborn through defining provocation, challenge, and being stubborn within the memory of my father where I am questioning his motives and he answers me that "this is the way things have always been done" and I experience myself in state of helplessness because my question is not answered nor dealt with in some manner,  and then I have this urge to want to penetrate the wall my father puts up as I do experience what he says as fear of not wanting to reveal to me what he really things about the matter at hand - in separation of myself. 

I commit myself to stop the polarisation game in all it's dimensions and I realise that this dialoguing character I play builds on polarisation of inferiority and superiority, and on judging others as good/right/positive or bad/wrong/negative depending on how I relate to others.

I commit myself to stop all passionate feelings concerning information/knowledge and opinion and see them for what they are namely a way to identify myself with something (information/knowledge) that is external to me - a tool of the mind to harness energetic experiences.


I commit myself to realise that self-righteousness is the me I have allowed myself to exist as within ego.

I commit myself to realise that self-righteousness is the me I have allowed myself to exist as within ego



I commit myself to stop the picture of a race coming up before I get into a discussion and immediately focus on breathing and slowing myself down. 


I commit myself to stop the separation right at the beginning of the dialogue, and take the physical cue of experiencing my body's excitement to end the separation that is just unfolding. 


I commit myself to listen to the other and learn to see beyond the words to create insights that I can apply self-forgiveness to - so that we can address all dimensions of separation whereby I realise that I cannot see them all by myself and within dialoguing with others I create opportunities to see more of who I am in the other as me. 

[Continue reading...]

Day 98, 2012 My dialoguing character - part 1

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The character is about dialoguing with someone else, and I perceive the other person as not giving me space to talk and I struggle to find moments where I squeeze my words into the dialogue. I realise that there are many dimensions as to why I believe I need to squeeze words in.  The first dimension is about communicating vital information e.g. meeting arrangements.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist with the thought/picture of "missing out" on some information. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist with the thought/picture of being "left behind" about some event.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist with the thought/picture of incompletion as who I am.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist with the thought/picture of making myself smaller, less important and information and events more important than self. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter into the conversation from the starting point of focusing my attention on the other person and the information they have for me, believing and justifying that I am doing this attentional shift because I have to "get" something from the other person. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is one-shot deal within the communication of the information and if I do not "get" it right away then I it will be lost - not realising that this fear exists within me before the conversation has even started: the fear of loss.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that this fear of loss is also the fear of "for"getting - the belief that something enters between me and the information not realising that all "for"getting is the separation that I experience through having separated myself from my Self.  


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become invisible, imperceptible, non-existent as self during the conversation, from the starting point of placing my attention on the other person and what they speak to me and therefore existing "outside" of myself as the physical being by existing in my mind. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to speak in response to the person but find "no room" to speak because I expect the other person to give me room to speak.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start to breathe faster in the moment I don't find room to speak to the other person where I experience the words of the other as a wall that is impenetrable.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the impact of hitting the wall of words, as I perceive the other person's way of communicating, and in that moment of impact experience a physical reaction of heat rising in my body from my solar plexus area towards my head and at the same time my attention on the other person retracts and shifts onto my body as I experience the rise of anger inside myself. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow up this physical experience with backchat: "what the fuck, let me speak"; "this is so annoying"; "oh my god s/he won't stop speaking".


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop the backchat. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself in frustration and anxiety once the backchat has started.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is my responsibility to make sure I "get" the information from the other person because in my backchat I say "if I don't get the information than it's my problem not hers/his"


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I don't "get" the information than I will fail.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to haste myself because I fear loss and because I believe that haste will compensate for not getting my words into the conversation. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory of my mother hassling me to move faster and complaining to me that I am not moving fast enough and me experiencing myself as inadequate and fearing that I can't comply with the demands of my mother - while experiencing myself trapped because I can't communicate to my mother that I don't want to hassle myself in this way, as I don't know how to coordinate my bodily movements faster but she is not listening to me and blaming me, to exist within me. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a memory of my mother hassling me to move faster and complaining to me that I am not moving fast enough and me experiencing myself to as inadequate and fearing that I can't comply with the demands of my mother - while experiencing myself trapped because I can't communicate to my mother that I don't want to hassle myself in this way, as I don't know how to coordinate my bodily movements faster but she is not listening to me and blaming me. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define restriction, stress, fright, anxiety, running, hardship, sorrow, entrapment, short of breath, and survival within the memory of my mother hassling me to move faster and complaining to me that I am not moving fast enough and me experiencing myself as inadequate and fearing that I can't comply with the demands of my mother - while experiencing myself trapped because I can't communicate to my mother that I don't want to hassle myself in this way, as I don't know how to coordinate my bodily movements faster but she is not listening to me and blaming me. 




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from restriction, stress, anxiety, running, hardship, sorrow, entrapment, short of breath, and survival through defining restriction, stress, anxiety, running, hardship, sorrow, entrapment, short of breath, survival within the memory of my mother hassling me to move faster and complaining to me that I am not moving fast enough and me experiencing myself as inadequate and fearing that I can't comply with the demands of my mother -while experiencing myself trapped because I can't communicate to my mother that I don't know how to coordinate my bodily movements faster but she is not listening to me and blaming me - in separation of myself. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that restriction, stress, anxiety, running, hardship, sorrow, entrapment, short of breath, and survival are here as me equal and one in every moment of breath. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have internalised within this memory of my mother hassling me to move faster and blaming me that it is my fault that some information, event, appointment is missed and that I am responsible for it. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have programmed myself that if I do not stress myself and hassle myself and abuse my body I will miss something such as information, an event, and or an appointment. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have associated stress with achievement and have transferred the experience I had as a child with my mother and the constant level of stress that I experienced of having to do things faster, more effective - an experience of constantly "running" - I have placed that as a condition onto myself in all arenas of my life where achievement and production is required - and thus I have habituated myself to working in and as stress not realising the accepted belief that forms my starting point based on the memories of my childhood when interacting with my mother. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have blamed my mother for interacting with me like in this manner throughout my childhood and now take responsibility to release all memories on this point of fear/hassle/physical movement. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have blamed my mother for this way of existing and thus teaching me to exist in stress, hassle, constant hurry, not realising that I have programmed myself just like she has programmed herself based on her memories of growing up (during war time), and that I have never considered that this act of blaming perpetuates me holding on to this pattern. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created much self-abuse of my physical existence throughout my life because I have always wanting to move faster than what was physically possible not realising that I existed in total separation from my physical body. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have trained myself in the experience of anxiety through persistently hassling myself to move faster, do things quicker, and have used impatience to punish myself with self-defeating self-talk.


I commit myself to stop all ideas/concepts/beliefs that I am incomplete as Self and realise that there is nothing to "get" and nowhere to "go"- therefore nothing can be "missed".


I commit myself to realise that information can only be shared and that within sharing it is my responsibility to share myself from the point of the physical being that is Self.


I commit myself to exist as equal to any information/event and that if I do not know about it or have not learned it does not mean that I am less or more than the information/event - therefore I stop identifying with all that is external to me and stop all separation. 


I commit myself to continue to apply myself in existing as Self here in the physical which means that during any conversation/talk I conduct, I remain in my physical body and do not separate myself by shifting my attention to the external.


I commit myself to eradicate step by step all fear of loss as it exists within me by deleting all dimensions where I have accepted myself to exist as fear of loss.


I commit myself to stop all excuses as to why I must "use" my mind because I realise that "for"getting only occurs when I am trying to 'get' information through separation from my Self. 


I commit myself to stop all expectation within my conversations with people and realise that I am responsible for my experience and that I speak as self-expression not in response to someone else. 


I commit myself to stop the thought that creates my experience of "not getting my words in" and realise that when I proceed to backchat I have to apply myself more in self-corrective application.


I commit myself to stop all backchat related to the experience of "not getting my words in".


I commit myself to realise that this experience is instigated by memories and 'one pixel' thoughts and that I take responsibility for releasing the memory and eradicating the 'one pixel' thought. 


I commit myself to understand and penetrate into the depth of my Self to eradicate all beliefs in stress, anxiety, speed and slow myself down so that I can see who I have accepted and allowed myself to be. 


I commit myself to function, operate, and move my Self one breath at the time and in doing so steadily and consistently walk my process and contribute to the creation of changing human nature which will become visible for the first time via an equal money system. 
[Continue reading...]

Monday, July 23, 2012

Day 97, 2012 I dream and fear losing my mind

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I have a reoccurring dream. For the second time around I dreamed that I lost all of my cards of identification, access to money, as well as passports, permits, and had nothing left to identify who I am. I realise that this is my mind fearing death. In both dreams I don't know how it happens and in both dreams I do not stand up but succumb to emotions of fear and anxiety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing all labels and all ways to identify myself in the system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing all access to money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing all access to countries.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my mind. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that this dream is giving me an opportunity to stand up in my dream as Self and to make the decision to breathe here and to stop all emotions concerning no longer having a label or way to identify myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to know in the dream how it happened, how I got to the point of losing all labels and access points to the system, when I know that this is just a distraction because to know the "how" keeps me confined and avoids me looking beyond to look at the "who" I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret not having been able to stand up in the dream and stop all emotions and within that I must realise, in self-honesty, that this dream is a reflection of my waking hours and where I fail to stand up. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I must push myself past the point of resistance when I allow my mind chatter/ego to hold on to the programs, I do not allow myself to walk out of my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that this is all in the decision of who I am, what I allow myself to be at any moment and in any situation. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be aware of my emotions within the dream as in real life but to not move beyond the threshold, the point of awareness, which I experience time and again. 

I commit myself to stop the fear of losing my mind, and realise that I am essentially fearless and that my mind is just programs which I allow to "run" my life. 

I commit myself to no longer get caught in the "how"- to stop keeping me trapped in my self-spun web, but to move past that and focus on who I am within the situation. 

I commit myself to stick to my decision of who I am. 

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Day 96, 2012 The character who fears the unknown

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that which is unknown.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear meeting myself in that which is unknown because the unknown is only a word that indexes an idea in the mind which is an illusion because all is here and therefore there is nothing that is unknown.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that which is unknown not realising that the difference between that which is known to me and that which is not known to me is the relationship I have with the known and the non-relationship I have with that which is unknown - I therefore see an opportunity before me to approach that which is unknown from the starting point of equality and oneness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have chosen to see this opportunity from the starting point of fear, instead of oneness and equality, because I do not realise that with a starting point of fear the essence of the fear is fear of loss - yet with a starting point of oneness and equality I stop all polarisation and stand equal as/to the person/thing from which I have separated myself by calling it ‘unknown’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project this fear of the unknown onto the unknown itself and believe my thoughts in creating a picture and an expectation about it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create context for the unknown, before it is known, which I use to justify emotions/feelings and where these emotions/feelings then become the starting point with which I make decisions and meet the unknown. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse that which is unknown to me to create energetic highs and lows - therefore creating self-abuse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the need to feel comfortable which I do with people/things that are known to me not realising that to feel comfortable, I must become habituated to characters, mine and others, and therefore I stop all desire/need/want to be comfortable and be here with that which is uncomfortable, to stop compromising my breath, and stop all falling back into habitual patterns that have their origin in fear and anxiety.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself in the face of that which is unknown - because I am in need to close the feedback loop of the fear program I allow myself to be, which opens up in the moment I am looking to confirm myself through an external manifestation. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience a before and after - before meeting the unknown and after having met the unknown, and only after I have met the unknown I realise the simplicity of it, and therefore regretting what I created before I met the unknown. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the unknown more than what I am because I make the mind more than what I am - thus giving up my power and responsibility as my Self through how the unknown was defined in one word.
I commit myself to stop fearing the unknown and realise that all is here as me but not all is in physical proximity and that is what the unknown represents.
I commit myself to eradicate all starting points that create relations with other people/things based on emotions and feelings and replace the starting point to be one of equality and oneness.
I commit myself to stop to function/operate from lack/loss/negative and seek to gain/add/enhance and realise that this stance is driven from self-interest and consumerism. 
I commit myself to stop creating separations and bring all that is me back to here as self, one and equal. 
I commit myself to stop creating picture representations, expectations, and/or context of that which is unknown to me. 

I commit myself to stop the duality of comfortable and uncomfortable and realise that this has no relevance in the physical.
I commit myself to release all memories which have caused me to define the unknown in relation to fear. 
I commit myself to bring about a system where words are used in equality and oneness and no word is charged with emotions of fear. 
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