Saturday, July 14, 2012

Day 88, 2012 My character, the diplomat

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have programmed myself to play the "diplomatic" character to act in self-interest and hide my fear of conflict and rejection. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have played the diplomat in my family where I took it upon myself to find ways to intervene when my parents were fighting - to divert their attention, to create humour, to be playful and focus on things they both liked .


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have feared my parents' fights and spent my time to figure out how to avoid/diminish/stop conflict between my parents and in the course of doing so have I used deception and manipulation quite deliberately because I feared the parental "cloud" of anger and emotion descending onto me.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not realised that this diplomatic character has a "flip" side which is to be liked by others and to avoid any moves, words and deeds that could burn bridges or turn someone off to me.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have developed an uncanny ability to observe and recall details about people's behaviour because I know that I can use these observations to my advantage, when I know the likes and dislikes of others, I have "material" for manipulation, to get what I want or "secure" my position in the interaction with another. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider this 'ability', to be diplomatic, an asset because it has supported me throughout my life in difficult situation with difficult people while I have not realised that deception and manipulation is a two-way street, affecting all parties involved. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have very deliberately used "acting as inferior" when I realised that this "works" for the person and makes them feel good - likewise I have acted in "superior" ways when I realised that this is preferred - all the while not realising that at the depth of it all I covered up my own insecurities and lack of self-trust.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have automated certain reactions that I now realise are all based on this mechanism of diplomacy - and that I also realise that I don't even know what to do in situations when I am no longer acting from the the starting point of "having to be diplomatic" not realising that I must do nothing but breath here as me. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I hold myself back when I believe that what I am about to do or say does not support my picture of the "diplomatic" character. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have thought of it being an asset to say what I want to say in most coded way so that what I want to say is implied. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, as the "diplomatic" character to be ready and willing to compromise any given time to keep the peace and avoid conflict.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have acted as the diplomatically character and have accepted and generated abuse in the my interactions with others - all in self-interest because I believed that this is only way I get what I want.


I forgive myself to have enjoyed "difficult" characters because for my diplomatic character this is/was a challenging situation, to convince or manipulate the other, when they did not make it easy for me. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used my diplomatic character to play with others and entertain myself and experience myself in a state of energetic highs when I emerged as a winner - keeping all that secret from the other, tucked away in my secret mind. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a memory of my mother telling me to keep the flame going with certain people because you never know when you will need them. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory of my mother exist within me where she tells me to keep the flame going with certain people because you never know when you need them. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define advantage, secret, and survival within the memory of my mother telling me to keep the flame going with certain people because you never know when you will need them. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from advantage, secret and survival through defining advantage, secret and survival within the memory of my mother telling me to keep the flame going with certain people because you never know when you need them, in separation of myself. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that advantage, secret and survival is here as me equal and one in every moment of breath. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have experienced myself in anger when my "diplomatic" character efforts failed. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have experienced myself in excitement when I was challenged as my "diplomatic" character.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have experienced myself in happiness when I my "diplomatic" character was successful. 


I commit myself to stop the "diplomat" I play as the character to justify acting in self-interest. 


I commit myself to self-manipulation and self-sabotage and learn to express myself as me and not as what I think/belief/assume someone else will like.


I commit myself stop all automated behaviour that is in support of my cast of characters and learn to express myself as me. 


I commit myself to no longer be responsible for any one's fighting, anger or other emotional outbursts and permit myself to just walk away when this happens in my life again. 


I commit myself to stop all thoughts that are generated by me to weigh a situation for the most diplomatic approach and act strictly in common sense and what is best for all.  



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Day 87, 2012 My "black sheep" character

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the “black sheep” character in my family which has determined how I have led my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have believed myself as 'outcast' by my family because I was easily pointed to as the root of all 'family-related' evil.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used the “black sheep” character to create fears of loss and thus create attachment to objects, projects and people because as this character I experienced myself as unequal to other family members, and thus I programmed myself to firmly hold on to objects, projects, and people, that I believed I owned/had to not lose control, because I operated from a point of scarcity. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to excuse my actions and avoid responsiblity because I could at any time use the “black sheep” character, a character which was expected to be crazy, funny, and outrageous - to create freedom for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the “black sheep” character to evade responsibility because I could always blame my parents for having me made this character. 
I forgive myself or accepting and allowing myself to have used the “black sheep” character to feel special - as misfit- and thus have projected myself onto the marginalised groups within society for support, where I have developed a particular liking for hanging out with these types of groups - that are not accepted by the mainstream of society, because I believed that this is where I belong. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have experienced feelings of pride because I considered myself to not be caught up by the mainstream of society because I judged the mainstream as stupid, gullible, controlled and sheepish consumers which I, together with the types of groups I hung out with, could rise above in separation. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used the “black sheep” character to create an interesting life for myself where I lived and worked in six different countries, always ready for the next adventure and excitement ever developing my practical streetwise ways through daring myself to do "stuff", and to move about on the “international” scene. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have accepted the “black sheep” character to fill my loneliness with “colourful” experiences so that I could even more step back from families, societies, nations, countries and by doing so feel powerful in the observer perspective where I had an “overview” and no belonging/attaching, which I used to create my “unique” viewpoint of life and the world. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I have created this “interesting” life as a form of diversion so that I did not have to deal with the memories of my childhood, and by virtue of not being rooted anywhere I did not create attachment and commitment easily, and thus prevented myself from dealing with pain and suffering because I used the excitement of change to live in denial of my Self. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used my “black sheep” character to “get going when things got tough” and thus have created a sense of temporary living within myself, wherever I ended up, and therefore permitted myself to persistently project myself into the future to the next goal, project, adventure, and study to keep the diversion/excitement in tact. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that there are two sides of the  “black sheep” character  where I have existed in utter polarisation, which is on the one hand my uncommitted, free-roaming, international life style, and on the other, I am attached to my profession, my work, my study and “some selected” people where I am the devoted worker, creator, and friend and would give all and everything to keep the attachment going. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not realised that this polarisation of the “black sheep” character extended into the realm of fears where I was on the one hand absolutely fearless regarding my travels and living in a new country, or moving to a new country and dealing with all the ins and outs of establishing myself there, and on the other hand, fear-ridden inside, fearing loss and rejection by the selected view friends or losing a project/job/collaborator which I used to give meaning to my life.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory of my parents exist within me where they favoured my brother over me in giving him gifts that he liked as well as other material things with the excuse that he was sick.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a memory of my parents where they favoured my brother over me in giving him gifts that he liked as well as other material things with the excuse that he was sick. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define attention, pride, and care within the memory of my parents favouring my brother over me by giving him gifts that he liked as well as other material things with the excuse that he was sick.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from attention, pride, and care through defining attention, pride and care within the memory of my parents favouring my brother over me by giving him gifts that he liked as well as other material things with the excuse that he was sick, in separation of myself. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that attention, pride and care are here as me equal and one in every breath. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory of my mother telling me “you can do this alone you are healthy” exist within me. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a memory of my mother telling me “you can do this alone you are healthy”.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define independence, rejection, withdrawal within the memory of my mother telling me “you can do this alone you are healthy”.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from independence, rejection, and withdrawal through defining independence, rejection and withdrawal within the memory of my mother telling me “you can do this alone you are healthy”, in separation of myself. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that independence, rejection and withdrawal are here as me equal and one in every breath. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have experienced myself as jealous of my brother and have used the “black sheep” character to find solace and stop the jealousy because I believed that neither my brother nor my parents could have ever dreamed to have a life like mine. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not realised that I have used and abused the "black sheep" character to run away from my Self and thus have used and abused all that is physical at the same time because to run away I ran to different physical places in the world. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I am here at all times and that facing myself is the only way I can step out of any character - here, breathing as me. 

I commit myself to stop playing the "black sheep" character and face myself in every way, all fears, all loneliness, all memories and realise that there is no place in the world where I can hide from myself.

I commit myself to realise all attachment to objects/projects/people and stand here one and equal to myself and thus to all as all is one. 

I commit myself to realise that the division of groups, no matter what their nature, is always based on separation as this is the concept of "two or more in my name"/ "divide and conquer" whether that the basis is intellectually or physically. 

I commit myself to stop all acts of diversion and face my daily tasks as what they are: to get the job done and create a world that is best for all. 

I commit myself to honour my process as birthing myself in the physical as the first and foremost responsibility that I have in this life, which is the responsibility to all and thus all that is individualised as objects/projects/people is equal to me in process. 
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Friday, July 13, 2012

Day 86, 2012 My "replayer" character

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give myself permission to replay scenarios, situations I have lived through in my mind where I am revising my participation to where it is more to my liking, it is more effective, and produces an outcome that suits my ego. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to replay situations, scenarios in my mind where I am revising my participating depending on how important the interaction is to my ego.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my "replayer" character who I use to evaluate myself, and thus keep myself trapped in regret and "should haves".


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that when I judge my "replayer" character I judge myself judging myself and thus I compound my self-judgement. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the more I engage with a situation, scenario based on anticipation, expectation the more I engage in mental replay of the situation when the situation, scenario does not turn out as I anticipated, expected - therefore creating exponential energetic charges, when all I have to do is stop. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that replaying a situation is reflecting on what is happening in my life as I have been taught that it is important to learn from a situation through reflection. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that what is here to learn is to be one and equal which means stripping myself of thoughts that are connected to energetic charges, which are all thoughts - because when I self-direct as equal no thinking is necessary. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that when I replay a scenario in my mind where I revise my participation that I have missed an opportunity for change because regret indicates a moment in time where I can make a decision to stand here in breath but I decide not to do so. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not remove the illusion from my life and deal with what is here in breath in every moment. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what I replay in my mind is actually what happened in reality not realising that mental replay is from memory and memory is an illusion which can never give me a accurate view of myself.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that somewhere there is room for judgement about how I interact in the world, because I have not yet completely deleted attachment to the picture I want to be. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I am still holding on to the picture I want to project into the world - thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of the picture that I have created as me, and all the attachment to my wants and desires. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the "replayer" of my mind links to all my desires and wishes in how I want to act in the world, and that the reality is that as long as I allow this replayer I exist as programs.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that neither, how I want to be and how I am moving in the world gives me an accurate understanding of what is here in every moment of breath because my starting point is based on mental evaluation which can never be truthful because my mind does not value life. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to oscillate between mental states of automatic behaviour and projected behaviour that suits a picture of me which is attached to my desires  of the picture that I want to be. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the picture as me for energetic charges so that I can exist in my mind to whatever extend, and be it to experience myself in mental replay. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a mental "replayer" which simulates an unsatisfied parent who is punishing me for the lack of good behaviour. 


I commit myself to stop replaying what I have lived through as mental Schauspiel.


I commit myself to stop thinking about the picture I want to be with all its wants & desires. 


I commit myself to stop my ego as the starting point for the picture I want to be and replace it with the starting point as me as standing equal to all that is here in every moment of breath. 


I commit myself to stop all abuse through self-punishment in thought and deed. 


I commit myself to stop all anticipation and expectation of situations, and write out every and all situations in self-forgiveness as anticipation and expectation arises -  so as to stop all "looking back" onto past situation. 



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Thursday, July 12, 2012

Day 85, 2012 My "inventor" character

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the character who desires to invent technological artefacts and watch other people interact with it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience an energetic “high” which I get when I invent something technological for others - it’s like a thrill that I can “engineer” other people’s behaviour via a technological tool. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "feel" the world is ok when I have a creative project in which I can "loose" myself. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that this thrill that I am experiencing when I invent something is based on the control I experience “over” others - as they do what I propose them to do. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that this type of "study of humans" is just as abusive as humans studying animals because it has the same starting point of separation and superiority. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy remaining in the observer space, in obscurity, where I can watch others without them knowing much about me, which is in essence what the concept of god is all about - thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to play god. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself with curiosity when I invent something instead of being here and breathing and creating as me here in the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I am feeding my ego through satisfying my curiosity to see how others interact with my creations. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider inventing artefacts as a way to “underhandedly” manipulate others. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fascinated by archetypes that are portayed with a hidden power of which no one knows because it is a place of superiority where others are left guessing. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that when I am curious of how others react to my creations it is because I want to experience myself “reacting” to the world through what I observe in others. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have limited my social interaction with others because I fear others and thus to do it through an invention I am save from others. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to use technological artefacts as a proxy to human social interaction instead of interacting with others as my self in physical form where I have to face my fears and limitations within my interactions. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be equal to all structures in the world but to admire that which is of the structural physical world, which allows humans and other beings to experience themselves in spatiality, in three-dimensionality, and thus I do not realise that I have created a relationship with substance, as all around me is alive, where I experience myself as inferior. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that inventions are a way of selling myself but instead of selling myself directly, I use an artefact to do - as all selling is based on survival, I realise that I like to invent for recognition so as to assure my survival in the world. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I like to invent objects/artefacts because I had to grow up fast and did not play for a long time as a child, and thus now I am free to play, which is what I desire to do when I invent interactive products. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that play must be a major endeavour where I am must create a serious artefact because otherwise it is not worth my time instead of playing like a child where only the process of play 'matters' and not the outcome. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that whatever I invent I do so in collaboration with others as all creative output is social, and that this gives me a reason to interact with others and focus our attention on the work at hand instead of on each other - which is a save place for me.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that “inventing” no matter what, is a form of consumerism to make myself feel more/better/higher in some way.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not invent as me as the creative expression that I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used thinking for inventing instead of inventing/creating as me from the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have experienced myself in emotional states during the process of inventing an artefact because I worry about the outcome of the creation. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my creation through energetic charges and through beliefs which I use to trap myself and others within the mindconsiousness system. 
I commit myself to stop and delete the character I play who invents techno-tools-artefacts.
I commit myself to learn to create as me as self in the physical. 
I commit myself to stop creating/inventing any techno-tool-artefact from the starting point that it can function as a proxy for me regarding facing myself in the presence of others.
I commit myself to stop creating/inventing any techno-tool-artefact from the starting point of feeding my ego through delusion of control and recognition, and providing me with polarised energetic charges
I commit myself to stop the “desire” of creation and just create as expression. 
I commit myself to stop “thinking” about my creations, and stop judging the creative process or the product.
I commit myself to equalise myself to all that is structural in the world and thus to equalise myself to substance. 

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Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Day 84, 2012 The end of self-interest as lead to my cast of characters

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the "me first" character lead all other characters I play through my mind using my body in this physical world. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise the myriad of connections between the "me first" character and all other characters I accept as me. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created relations with all other characters in this world that are build up from each person's "base" character which is the "me first" character.  


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in my mind where I utilise the "me first" character for all my imaginations and inventions to create the mental bubble that is my mind, and where I scheme to trap others so that they share this mental bubble with me by "bridging" it through concepts that represent the "me first" starting point in such a way that it is not apparent to others when I communicate my opinions to them. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have accumulated all knowledge through the first character, in a long line of characters, who is my "me first" character and have passed on this knowledge to all my other characters so they may have a unified starting point of "me first".


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used knowledge to separate myself from other people's characters in that if anyone references any knowledge that does not exist within my mental bubble, I permit myself to not consider what is being said or demonstrated by discarding it entirely and by disregarding the person as a 'lesser' character.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used the "me first" character to abuse earth and all life on earth because I take everything I can from planet earth without giving anything back to satisfy my "me first" character.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have realised that I have given this allowance "to be blinded" and ignorant towards the ramification of the "me first" character because I have never made the connection between the sum of my actions and the state of the physical reality I live in. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have abused myself through shaping the myself as the "me first" character and therefore "setting myself up" to emotional experiences, as "highs": excitement and happiness,  and as "lows": disappointment and anger - when I can/cannot successfully impose my mental bubble onto the world and reap that which I imagine within my "me first" character. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that every time I voice my opinion to the world, I reiterate the "me first" character and I make a statement of how I abuse this world demonstrating my ignorance and inability to see the sphere of influence I have on the state of the world. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have spend years of my life in education and have dedicated and devoted my "breath"-time towards the shaping and forming of opinion so that I can have a better "me first" character than others and to add to the struggle of survival for everyone else here. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have never understood what my responsibility in this world really is all about, and have believed that being a good citizen who pays her bills and does not cause any problems for others is the extend to which I am responsible for myself in this world - because I have failed to understand that I play a cast of characters who all take their cue from the "me first" character. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have realised that I, as I exist in this world, is a picture I have designed in my "mental bubble" world, formulated and updated by the "me first" character to ever more effective picture versions of myself so that I can succeed in a world full of "me first" characters by maintaining the competitive edge through picture-perfect attributes. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that whenever I have been passionate about another, supporting another or teaching another, it can never be about another as long as I play all characters from the "me first" character and have not deleted who I am as a myriad of characters - thus only when I am standing free of "character play" I can give to others as my self, as that is best for all because, existing as my SELF without characters is existing as and of life, and life is equal as all. 


I commit myself to end, delete and stop the "me first" character in all it's incarnations throughout the cast of characters I play.


I commit myself to live from the starting point of all as equal as one; from the starting point that I am a member of the group called humanity; from the starting point as "elemental life" and that my responsibility as an instance of life is to all life, where I no longer accept and allow myself to reference the mental bubble in any way.


I commit myself to stop, delete and eradicate me as a source of opinions from now on, and dedicate and direct my Self to apply all means available to me to show, illustrate, and state that opinions are the root cause of abuse, destruction and war - so that all wake up to the lie we live in this moment and all moments that have passed.


I commit myself to teach the new generations from the starting point of oneness and equality so that they learn what is best for all life and that all that is based on opinion can be eradicated from planet earth. 









[Continue reading...]

Monday, July 9, 2012

Day 83, 2012 My "there is always room for improvement" character

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be more effective, more efficient, more influential, have a better quality of life, and desire more improvement in all areas of my life. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that when I want to be more of "something" or be better at "something" I am setting myself up to engage in future scenarios of energetic charges because in order to evaluate myself as better or more improved I have to judge myself in relation to my past and therefore I am creating polarisations which are at the basis of energetic charges. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to be here in the moment and apply myself fully as me, one and equal, with all the elements of this moment where considerations of what is best for all guide my decisions. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that to be "more of" and "better at" is a form of consumptions, the voracious hunger that plays out on all levels of the world whereby this type of consumption is making myself the "object" of consumption - and thus I fail to see in awareness what it is that I am actually doing to myself.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that this desire for improvement is my mind consuming my physical existence - and thus I do not realise that I am abusing myself.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that this "to be more of" and "better at" is the premise from which society operates because when one is better or more of than someone else one receives money and status. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that "to be more of" or "better at" in this society is done by any means necessary: through deception, manipulation and abuse. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that self-improvement, making me the object of consumption, is the ego manifestation of greed and the need for recognition and specialness.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that projects of betterment are a form of self-abuse because I have to force them upon myself and realise that many times where I apply force upon myself, to discipline myself, I will escape this force in other areas where I self-sabotage so as to create a balance between "force" and "release".


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that discipline is only one thing: self-will through breathing, and that all mental stimulation of disciplining myself always exist within the energy-producing mechanisms, such as judgement/polarisations that produce emotions e.g. fear.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that my "there is always room for improvement" character is fearing who I am in self-trust.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory of my mother angrily criticising me for my ineffectiveness/inefficiency exist within me. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a memory of my mother angrily criticising me for my ineffectiveness/inefficiency.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define success, security, achievement and excellence within the memory of my mother angrily criticising me for my ineffectiveness/inefficiency.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from success, security, achievement and excellence through defining success, security, achievement and excellence within the memory of my mother angrily criticising me for my ineffectiveness/inefficiency. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that success, security, achievement and excellence are here as me equal and one in every moment. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that my "there is always room for improvement" character has a need for speed because I, as the character, want to get "ahead" of myself without the patience of breathing here. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that my "there is always room for improvement" character is a future projection because to assess and evaluate what can be improved requires comparison, planning and projection of a goal into the future, thus as this character I am never in the moment here, equal and one. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I, as my "there is always room for improvement" character can support others by pointing out where improvement is necessary, whereby I do not realise that not teaching from self, equal and one, I am teaching from superiority. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to criticise others if they are not effective and efficient enough not realising that I form and perceive the person's value based on this judgement and thus, cannot value myself either because I am also judging who I am based on my ineffectiveness and inefficiency.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others based on their effective/efficient performance and based on this judgement I generate emotions, e.g. anger. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that my "there is always room for improvement" character is NOT about learning but about NOT accepting me as one and equal - it is about giving value to myself based on some external characteristic and property which is directly tied to money, performance and consumption in the absence of LIFE. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the value of LIFE is LIFE and that learning is who I am as the  substance of life, which requires no evaluation, no judgement, it is equality and oneness, manifested as the physical.


I commit myself to stop and delete the "there is always room for improvement character" and learn as me here in the physical.


I commit myself to teach others as me here in the physical, breathing, by being the living example. 


I commit myself to stop participating in greed through my "there is  always room for improvement" character.


I commit myself to develop self-trust as me and learn from the starting point of trusting myself and others as me by aligning myself to the principle of equality and oneness.


I commit myself to breathe and learn here in the physical through consistent application. 


I commit myself stop using my memories to create energetic charges as the multiple characters I allow myself to exist as by practicing self-forgiveness and self-corrective application. 

[Continue reading...]

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Day 82, 2012 My investigator/researcher character

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the character who is quite happy to pass her time investigating "interesting" topics and then constructing a view of these topics by drawing on a number of different sources.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have, as the investigator/researcher character an insatiable thirst to understand how different ideas are connected with the physical world and to not realise that this thirst is fundamentally me wanting to understand myself and my role in this world. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that to understand myself, I must stop playing characters, and I must look into myself and develop self-intimacy.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that when I am in the character "mode" of researching, I experience a sense of purpose and believe what I do is a "worthwhile" occupation where I can really "get into" and apply myself.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that when I apply myself to the extend of becoming "single-minded" so that I am mainly existing in my mind I no longer exist in reality. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that researching and investigating, as it is promoted in higher education and in academia, is promoting behavioural possession and addiction to knowledge.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that our current personal technologies are supporting our addiction to information. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I recharge myself energetically through information - when I extensively research and perform topical, work-related investigations I experience a momentary satisfaction and when the satisfaction wears of I want to know more. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used the researcher/investigator character to abuse myself by sitting in front of my computer and spending many hours to research and write - yet I was happy to do this work, because I recharged myself energetically.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have for the same reason enjoyed the solitary aspect of the researcher/investigator character because I can hide myself from the world and exist in my mind. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have often ignored my physical existence to "passionately" engage in my investigator/researcher character while my body was aching and in pain being forced to accommodate my mental state.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the more I studied and became the researcher character, the more I used knowledge to separate myself from my parents. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have programmed myself to like studying because my parents have never emphasised this aspect when I was living with them, which is how I realised that they feared that one day I know more than them. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have acquired knowledge because I wanted my parents to approve of me, and at the same time use my education/knowledge to feel superior to my parents.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have realised that knowledge does not feed me and that knowing a lot is only one component in how this world is navigated for survival.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the researcher character and acquired knowledge because I hoped and projected that this secures my survival.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used knowledge as part of the researcher character to burry my head in the sand, so that I did not have to deal with other responsibilities that adults have to deal with because it seemed much like a burden, and I resisted it. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a careful "thinker" when I play my researcher character, who works out all the different angles about a topic of my interest, but who does not want to apply the same approach to my personal situation when I am presented with a challenge or decision that requires self-change, I do not like to consider the various possibilities and prefer to choose what supports my resistances. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to collect skills as I collect utilitarian objects and tools, because I have programmed myself with a "just in case" belief.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with "see, it was a good thing that I have this skill / kept this object" and thus confirming my researcher character by congratulating myself for having had just the right skill/thing when it was needed. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have as the researcher character been proud of myself and feeding my ego when others have called me resourceful.  


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am resourceful and thus I can solve any problem, not realising that this is the character I play.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory of my mother telling me proudly that she is a resourceful woman who will always find the best solution for a problem, and me admiring her for that. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a memory of my mother telling me proudly that she is a resourceful woman who will always find the best solution for a problem, and me admiring her for that. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define originality, creativity, and worldliness within a memory of my mother telling me proudly that she is a resourceful woman who will always find the best solution for a problem, and me admiring her for that. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from originality, creativity and worldliness through defining originality, creativity, and worldliness within the memory of my mother telling me proudly that she is a resourceful woman who will always find the best solution for a problem and me admiring her for that, in separation of myself. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that originality, creativity and worldliness are always here as me equal and one in every breath. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that my researcher character never gives up until a satisfactory answer is found.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the researcher character that I play to strengthen my ego through righteousness.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the researcher character to protect and separate myself from the world.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I as the researcher character judge others when refer to my research field, from the starting point of superiority where I am  not able to listen to another's viewpoint when it is does not agree with my own. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used  Desteni research material to promote my researcher character when talking to others, where I used the Desteni material from the starting point of imparting knowledge so that I could experience myself as superior and produce energetic charges within myself. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow myself as the researcher character, to assess whether I am intellectually superior/inferior in comparison of a another person and if I believe myself to be superior I will use knowledge and information to "put them into their place".


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use knowledge and information to control others. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the researcher characters who abuses knowledge, information and words.


I commit myself to stop playing the researcher/investigator character and use knowledge/information/words to create energetic charges within myself.


I commit myself to face myself by applying myself with the same rigour I apply in my work to personal situations that are uncomfortable and difficult for me. 


I commit myself to stand equal to my job as researcher and work without creating a character and without addiction to the work itself.


I commit myself to stop limiting myself and making myself dependent on knowledge and information for my survival.


I commit myself to stop using knowledge and information to exist within polarisation, between inferiority and superiority. 


I commit myself to stop feeding my ego through how I use knowledge and information. 


I commit myself to assess and use any information and knowledge from the point of what is best for all. 


I commit myself to get to know who I am as self, one and equal to all that is here. 



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