Friday, June 15, 2012

Day 55, 2012 What I want in the picture that I am - part 3: an interesting job

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I want to have an interesting job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that wanting to have an interesting job is to find purpose in my life through my contributions to society, which means that I derive value from my ability to perform in an abusive system. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that this desire for an interesting job is the desire of someone who is privileged in this world, who has education and possibilities to make certain choices, while others are not in this position and are struggling to survive. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that to desire an interesting job means that I need external validation for who I am. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that an interesting job is to confirm to myself that I have value because I lack self-trust - in trusting myself as life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that my definition of what is interesting has to do with the picture I have of myself which I want to enhance and maintain. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that if I had an interesting job I would still have more desires within this interesting job because I have the starting point of ego and not life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I have accepted abuse in exchange for mental stimulation and that this is what drives me to participate in this society. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I have energetic reactions of excitement when I talk about the things that interest me in a job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have studied for 60% of my life, and thus I deserve to have an interesting job as reward for my participation within this system. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I work hard on my qualifications than I am satisfied because this makes me a good member of society not realising that I am doing what is expected of me to keep the abuse of this system going the way it is.   
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others who, by my definition, do boring work, and judge those who are doing boring jobs as conformists not realising my own conformity with the system. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that my ambition has been misdirected in self-interest and that this is expressed in my desire in an interesting job instead of having the ambition to do what is best for all, by changing myself and creating a system that takes care of all living beings equally. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I can have a job I like without identifying myself with what the job as the picture of me.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that it’s not about the job itself but what motivates me to want the job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that an interesting job is all I need to be ok in this world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that in all highflying jobs I have worked in I have been incredibly busy, and thus the job was my leash and I paid with my life. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I don’t have an interesting job that the picture I have of myself falls apart. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise the delusion I have lived in accepting the exchange of mental and physical labour for survival on earth.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that in order to have an interesting job I have to compete with the rest of the world who also wants the same interesting job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play out the addiction of my ego through an interesting job I earn money with. 
I commit myself to stop creating a picture of myself with my wants and desires.
I commit myself to stop creating energetic charges through the pursuit of fulfillment of my wants and desires. 
I commit myself to stop using a job as the vehicle for the picture of myself and the charging of my ego. 
[Continue reading...]

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Day 54, 2012 What I want in the picture that I am - part 2: gimme more practical skills

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I want to know how to better do things practically so that I do not need anyone to help me invent stuff.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to have all the skills necessary for the things I envision I can make if I only had the skills.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I do not value my contribution in collaboration with others and believe that my contribution is of minder importance because it is conceptual and practical, but not to the extend that I can do it on my own.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that unless I can do all the parts of what I want to do then my work isn’t good enough.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that collaboration is difficult as it entails to find others who are wanting to collaborate, and this requires communication and social interaction which I see as investment - something I have to “work” for to get something back.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that most of my work is done in collaboration and that on one hand I enjoy collaboration, on the other I don’t want to be dependent on others because I believe I cannot be certain whether others are as committed to the project as I am. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that what is attached to any project that I consider “my project” is my ego, and that it is not about the collaborative process with others. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to similarly be attached to the ideas that I have for projects for which I collaborate, rather than acknowledge that collaboration is a process, and that in this process one learns to listen and speak with others, which culminates in the manifested physical form. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stifle my own creativity by putting limitations on how and what ideas need to look like when they are manifested in physical form, not realising that no idea ever is translated into the physical, and that all ideas are emergent from the process of the physical because the mind, at this point, is divorced from the physical. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that one of the “problem areas” I see within this context is social interaction because I experience myself in separation of everyone else. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that this separation has to do with judgement, jealousy, competition, and lack of self-trust.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that wanting to invent stuff is to do with manifesting my ego in physical form, so that I can stare back at myself. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I am creating blockages to learning practical skills (e.g. electrical engineering) because I have the goal of wanting to invent stuff. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that to "want to invent" stuff means that I want to be special and do things that I perceive others can't do, and thus I will get recognition. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is such a thing as invention in the preprogrammed system I am part of. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that wanting to be special is the root of self-interest and thus the destruction of the world around me is proof everyone is living in self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I identify with the stuff I can make and thus I value performance and not life. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself because I place conditions on myself in what and how I do and what I want to create with what I do. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the idea of winning and losing because "inventing" something for recognition is a form of winning. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek to find self-value by "inventing" things

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to play with things, rather than having a task to invent something, because I have programmed myself as a child that all I do must have a purpose that makes sense to my mind instead of just doing "something" for enjoyment. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear enjoying myself because enjoyment is a free expression of self and serves no mental purpose.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that learning tools is not the issue here but that the starting point is 
a program which determines my behaviour and participation in the world. 

I commit myself to stop the desire of wanting to learn more tools so that I can prove to myself that I can invent stuff from the point of self-interest and recognition.

I commit myself to engage learning new tools from the point of self-expression and equality.

I commit myself to stop the separation between myself and others and stop believing that collaboration with others is work and takes effort. 
[Continue reading...]

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Day 53, 2012 What I want in the picture I am - part 1: staying young

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a picture of me that does not want to get old, and within this picture I stay young until I die. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider signs of aging unwanted, unpleasant and try to escape these signs through natural living and diet. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that ageing is negative/bad/wrong and disadvantages me and must therefore be avoided. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that others age too and that those who are old are mostly invisible to me. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that old people are nutty because they have a narrow outlook on life. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that old people in the West are unpleasant and that old people in the East are more acceptable because they age better. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disappointed in how my parents have aged, in terms of the picture they are now, versus the picture they were when I was younger.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that when I am old I can no longer move around the way I want to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that old age will exclude me from joining younger people because in our societies we marginalise those who are older. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged because I am old.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that wanting to look and appear young is me living as a picture and not as a being. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is important to age gracefully

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself into the future because I know in the future I am old.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dislike having to “worry” about the future because of how it “works” in our society, where income is connected to a job, to live and exist, and that I must seek out provision to be able to live in this world when I am old. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have resistance towards contemplating, working, or designing myself an old-age future with pension, insurances, and other securities for survival because I want to believe that I am not going to age and thus will continue to be part of the work force until I die. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people who want to go into pension because I cannot imagine myself to "wait" for death because I believe that MY life is not defined by whether or not I work. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I define myself through my work and that I do not realise that I can't even imagine no longer working in my field.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek out signs of ageing on my body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to my peers so that I can compare signs of ageing and thus evaluate myself within my age group.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear helplessness because of old age. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to walk my process, contribute to an equal money system, and be content to die, even if I die not very old. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have never considered aging when I was younger. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my faculities, such as vision, smell, and teeth when I get old. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself in anger because I do not understand how the process of ageing happens to me. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect aging with money as I do not realise that aging means "running out of the ability to provide the mind with energy" and as energy is money, I fear not being an efficient and lucrative energy manufacturer to ensure my survival. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that these thoughts about ageing are of my mind and that the physical body returns to the earth as it is part of the earth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my body because I am in my "head"- in my mind-  placing conditions, judgements, opinions, observations, and fears onto the process of aging. 

I commit myself to stop the picture of youth that I live up to, and become one and equal to my physical body where I can live in this world until I die without having to define myself within an age group, by my capacity to interact or to do things, and not fear death coming as the old age signs are pointing me towards death. 

I commit myself to stop the picture which I have of myself and to which I live up to, in all its minute details, and to walk myself out of the picture breath by breath - walking out of the limitations that I have placed on myself and others. I become life.

[Continue reading...]

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Day 52, 2012 The devil is in the details

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not procrastinate because I finish my projects on time. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my ego when I say that I am organised and do not procrastinate in the things I do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have never wanted to investigate how I procrastinate because I have never thought of myself as a classical procrastinator.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that pro-crast-i-nation is that I procreate the nations of I's - the structure of programs that exist as me in this world, and together with all other Is, we form the structure of society in which all have their place of entrapment. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise
that any thought I have at any time that tells me to do something later rather than in the moment, for some reason, a reason that could be as simple as saying that it is not convenient right now is a form of self-sabotage.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that that procrastination for me has to do with tasks that I do not experience as important but that have an accumulative effect on the way I work and function in my world. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that every time I actually did stop myself from executing thoughts “ahh, I do that later” I have reaped the benefit later on, yet I continue to believe thoughts like “ahh I do that later”.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory of my father come up where he took a picture of my messy room when I was a teenager as evidence for my sloppiness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I subsequently, after my teenage years, became obsessed with "making order" - and thus I have since believed that I am an organised person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have blamed my parents my struggle to learn to organise myself in form of devising systems of organisation because my parents have never shown me how they did it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that a system of organisation can only be maintained when there is no procrastination and that any system will fall apart when it is not maintained through actually doing ALL of the work. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I can set up effective systems for myself but “loose” it when it comes to maintaining the itty-bitty details because I see them as tedious and boring. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing msyelf to not realise that the itty-bitty details are not much effort at all because they can be done dynamically - but that I have a resistance stemming from programs I have accepted in my childhood. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory of my mother nagging me about unnessary and impractical details because she considered them important, from a point of beauty, whereas I did not care about how “invisible’ details looked like. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I have programmed myself from the point of what something looks like, not understanding that what something looks like - in terms of organisation - is emergent from a sound underlying structure.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that my mother’s concern with organisation was superficial because she was worried about what everything in her world looked like and this I have programmed myself not realising that structure is about maintenance and implementation and that beauty in this context is a belief and self-sabotage. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have programmed myself, to easily misplace my focus and find contention in how something looks like rather than understanding whether or not the structure is sound. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that when the structure is not maintained within my self-organisation then I become lazy in having to pick up the pieces. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have spelled out for myself in words in how I approach self-organisation and structure, to facilitate the function of my material world to become most effective in all I do.

I commit myself to see all parts of my world as one, and that self-organisation is one part within my world that I must give equal attention to effectively navigate the system I live in and to better support the birthing of life in the physical

I commit myself to stop all assumptions I make about "detail" work in any domain, and realise that without detail and specificity in common sense, there is no guidance towards the bigger picture of equality and what is best for all. 



[Continue reading...]

Day 51, 2012 Self-directive means slowing down means?

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not move steadily throughout the day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speed up or slow down depending on what I am thinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get impatient and angry for not sticking to the "program" of breathing here and doing one thing at a time, within awareness of what it is that I am doing. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not push myself to investigate what slowing down really means. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be GROUNDED in the moment in which I enter into a task and thus speed up and slow down, depending on what thoughts arise in my mind. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that to be grounded means that I can experience my body ALL THE WAY down to my feet but as it is, I experience myself as mostly in the head region. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that walking and standing means I can experience my feet touching the ground - and this is what is grounded in the moment. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that if I do not become consistent in how I move throughout the day I am more inclined to believe in my thoughts as ways to escape from my reality. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that these apparently “meaningless moments” where I am engaging in activities by either rushing through them or by "wasting" time, because I am not focussed, I open the door to resistance and I start to believe the anxiety I create within myself about not having enough time. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that when I come from the starting point of "not having enough time" I then jeopardise every minute decisions I make because I will make them from the point of Self-interest, what is most important to ME, and not best for all. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the key to my mind is through physical consistent movement, which I can achieve when I reference my Self to the task, rather than the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that “physically referencing myself” to my task at hand also means that I get comfortable within the physical space in which I exist, and thus I prepare the space to be comfortable. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep getting stuck on this point, and then experiencing frustration because I believe that I am not applying myself 100%.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be bored with this point and impatient about it and thus I do not look deeply into the underlying thoughts of self-sabotage. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I am often uncomfortable and not considering that I am actually in need of certain “comfort” level, I do not give considerations of comfort any importance because this means I have to self-direct change and my mental default is to avoid change. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that ANY consideration in respect to how long something takes is not valid because it will always be a scapegoat for me to get into my mind and operate per automata. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that self-support is not only writing and speaking self-forgiveness but also physical comfort. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory of my mother criticising my way of doing things and therefore I have suppressed anger about this point. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a memory of my father taking things out of my hand because he did not see my way of doing things as effective and thus I have programmed myself with frustration about how do things because I am so concerned with FINISHING them off - to get to the point of satisfaction, and therefore I do not care about the process itself, and who I am in during the process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being able to finish my projects is a freedom from the control of my parents. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to finishing my projects because of the frustration and anger I experienced as a child when my father would take things out of my hand while I was in the middle of it. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have excused my parents for "meaning well" when they constantly disrupted my process of doing things and taking things from me because they judged my way of doing things as unacceptable and showed me better and more rightful solutions by doing it themselves - and thus I learned to suppress my anger because I wanted to keep the peace. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that this society is in reverse by advocating "outcomes" as the most important aspect of what we do, when in reality who we are in what we do is the key to self-realisation. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that "the way we do things" is of interest to me academically (cognition) - because among other things it is an"issues" of wanting to do things my way since it is a sign of my adulthood because I finally no longer have my parents interrupt and judge what I do. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have considered that it is the little things as a child that have led to the big programs that I am walking myself out of today. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I am still leading my life from the point of defiance towards my mother by allowing these programs to run the way I conduct myself within each task.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that when I rush through a task that I create an energetic charge through anxiety and not breathing and that this builds up the need for the charge to be released thereafter.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that slowing myself down really means being consistent in how I move throughout the day.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that when I do not prepare myself to be comfortable within the setup of a task that I will accept diversions more easily.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not make “slowing myself down” as in moving consistently throughout the day, my primary objective within my process at this time, when I know that first I have to become self-directive  24/7 to walk out of my conscious mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in my mind and not aware of where I am in the task that I am doing at the moment, because I am too focussed on the "schedule of the day" rather than being here in the moment. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that if I can pick up a task where I left it of when I got interrupted that this is an indicator that I was not in my mind, and that if I am unable and have to "find my thread" to get back on track then I have previously been working from mind control. 
I commit myself to live my understanding of slowing down by consistently breathing and moving in real-space in real-time and to acknowledge that there is an un-real mind-space without reacting to it, and seeing it as an equal cooperative link to walking my process. 
I commit myself to stand up to my resistance of wanting to engage in automated movements and diversion tactics - and within that I realise that I must consistently clear myself and expose the thoughts to assist myself in becoming self-directive 24/7.

[Continue reading...]

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Day 50, 2012 Sharing is caring

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not share what there is to share because I am afraid of myself and by being afraid of myself I am afraid of others as me. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that sharing goes beyond material goods, or money, but it is a fundamental disposition towards all that is here. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that not sharing one Self is to manipulate others for attention because one becomes the object of curiosity and desire. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that not sharing one Self is to live in denial of one Self because only through interaction with others do we know who we really are, when our mind through patterned behaviours is exposed. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have defined sharing in terms of monetary value because this is how society has promoted the idea of sharing through charity and other non-profit organisations. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that monetary and material sharing is enough to be a responsible member of humanity. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that sharing of my Self is being Self-centred and thus have allowed my ego to manipulate my understanding of sharing from the point of recognition and reputation. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that sharing is social interaction with others. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that sharing is from the starting point of oneness and equality. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that shyness is a program to prevent me from sharing my Self and exposing to my Self as who I really am so that I can change what I have accepted and allowed myself to be. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loss of my programs if I were to expose them to myself and change through self-forgiveness statements/walking self-correction. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that not sharing my Self is self-centred and part of the 'ME First' society, which I have accepted as me through my parent's non-engagement with me as the person - by excusing this non-engagment with me as a person within the definition of parenting. 



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that this non-engagement of my parents with me as the person is what I have allowed to exist as anger within me - yet I have continuously disengaged with others in my world for the same reasons because I defined this sharing of Self with others as not necessary. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have defined sharing within the idea of consumerism because when I share myself through material goods and monetary contributions I am enabling others to consume.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have placed more value onto products that can be consumed, including money itself, rather than understanding that sharing in equality and oneness is through sharing my progress within process and by supporting others to stand free of their mind. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that if I do not share my Self with others then I do not share my Self in Self-intimacy because one is reflective of the other and it is me, through self-movement, who can change this. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that not sharing my Self because I fear others is that I fear my self-judgement by projecting the source of my self-judgement onto others, rather than taking responsibility for my Self and stopping my Self-judgement and the judging of others, and thus accepting myself, instead of fearing that others will not accept me. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that all the excuses I give myself for not sharing who I am, rather than what I 'have', is not best for all life and must be stopped. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in separation when I interact with others and when I am by myself - where I consider interacting with others as taxing and exhausting, and therefore need my time 'out' where I can be by myself, and recover from having interacted with others. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that what is taxing to me, when I share myself with others, is not sharing but is the recall of personality patterns that will lead to winning interactions.


I commit myself to investigate where I do not share my Self with others and breath by breath brake down any and all separation between my Self and others through sharing my Self.


I commit myself to stopping all separation between private and shared life within common sense. 


I commit myself to investigate when and where I do not share myself and why.


I commit myself to steadily work releasing all personality layers so that I can be the same in every situation whether I am with others or by myself. 


I commit myself to give of my Self without making a distinction between material/ non-material parts of my Self. 





[Continue reading...]
 
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