Friday, May 4, 2012

Day 18, 2012 In a holding pattern, I am

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold back because I fear the consequences of who I am in the world. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold back because I fear judgement by other. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold back because I fear punishment because of having held back. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold back and by doing so I protect my ego because when whatever of me is out - in the world - I must then face it and deal with it.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold back because holding back allows me to live in denial, and to pretend that I am ok.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that through holding back I don’t make mistakes - and thus I cannot be held accountable. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold back because in holding back I feel secure. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for holding back, thus I do not allow myself to change.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold back because I cannot accept what may come out as me - and thus I have lost control. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing control.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold back and in doing so I diminish myself and make myself invisible. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold back because I want to avoid conflict or reactions in others,  I want to be liked and accepted.


I forgive myself for accepting and allwoing myself to hold back because I do not trust myself.  


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold back on my physical needs and therefore abuse my body.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold back as an excuse to not face my fears.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold back as an excuse to not take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that holding back is the only option I have.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and thus in reaction to my judgment I hold myself back and stifle my Self. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have programmed myself, since childhood, to hold back who I am and to pretend to be someone that I am not. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not to stop holding back and be here in self-honesty.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold back from how I truly want to act because I adhere to social etiquette.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold back as a way to manipulate others in fulfillment of my desires and wants.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold back and by holding back I am an accomplice in maintaining the economic and cultural system, which abuses and negates all life.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have suppressed myself by holding back from myself. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself in anger because I have suppressed myself and have automated my behaviour, and judge myself for having done so. 
I commit myself to stopping all patterns of holding back. 

I commit myself to stopping all forms of holding back and will work towards uncovering all points in which I hold myself back - I will then delete these points and walk in self-direction in self-trust. 

I commit myself to actively participate in spotting all instances where I am holding back, and stop all excuses that try to justify why I need to hold back, and be here in the physical world, equal and one to all there is.

I commit myself to stopping all mind generated patterns:  regarding the pattern of holding back, I  realise that in the physical world, even if I were to keep some substance or material component from functioning, it would still be here as itself, as I cannot 'un' create some 'thing' that is already here.  

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Thursday, May 3, 2012

Day 17, 2012 Defensive reactions in conversations

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to defend myself in conversations where I am confronted with topics and people who I believe as ‘representing the system’, and by believing that to be true, I give myself permission to activate my defense mechanism where I create an energetic pattern within myself in reaction to what is being said by the other person. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have separated myself from my Self through definitions, labels and personality features. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have realised that when I react to someone's words that this is an indicator that I have identified with what I am representing within the conversation, and that I must face myself here, instead of facing the point of the reaction. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the person is affecting me with their words, and in that I blame the other for my experience, I do not take self-responsiblity. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect mind ideas with my physical existence on earth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am my ideas and that my ideas are unique to me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that concepts and ideas are positive/right/good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that not having ideas and concepts is to be in an inferior position. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take what is being said personally because I have an self-righteous idea of myself, which I use to give myself permission to react and to judge the other as inferior. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my Self when I exist within judgement of self and others. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to harbor resentment against the other, who is in disagreement with me because I cannot see that I have identified myself with the idea I am putting forth, instead of realising that my reaction is a sign for me to self-investigate my definitions and labels of Self. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create separation within myself because I have trained myself to believe that when I am talking with someone who cannot see my point or who does not agree with me, then I must respond through an emotional defense system. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have programmed myself through copying my parents that disagreement means that I am being personally attacked, and thus I respond with a canon of ‘precise’ words to essentially silence the other person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have realised that these automated responses are programs I can stop any moment.
I commit myself to stopping all identification and idea labelling of myself from the point of personality construct.
I commit myself to investigate how I have labelled myself, to write self-forgiveness on each point so that I stand free of any definitions and remain here without emotional charge in situations of communication with others.
I commit myself to establish self-trust where I can be here as Self.  
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Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Day 16, 2012 The rotten child/adult syndrome

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be only motivated to do something that benefits the world when I see my personal benefit in it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put my personal benefit at the top of all my endeavours whether I do so consciously or in my secret mind. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect rewards for my efforts even though my efforts are, in first line, intended to benefit me, I expect rewards because I am greedy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect rewards for my efforts because I expect recognition which indicates that I do not act or move myself in self-trust.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have accumulated knowledge within myself because I see that the more knowledge I have, the more I can increase my possibilities for rewards. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in greed because I fear not being part of the whole, not getting my share, therefore I do not want to share. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to demand from others to support me, and thus reward me for being me, when I am not willing to support myself unconditionally. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be willing to apply myself 100% when I can have a tangible reward in front of me that will give me a better life, but will not apply myself in the same way when I cannot mentally perceive the reward.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as superior because I have accomplished an achievement and that achievement has been rewarded.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as inferior because I have pursued and completed a specific activity but have not received a reward for it. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be motivated to make my achievements known so that I can get rewarded or recognition for it. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with jealousy when others get rewarded for the same achievement but I do not. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be motivated to please another, i. e. my parents, my teacher, my friends because I get rewarded.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be motivated to manipulate another because I get rewarded. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be motivated to sabotage myself because I get rewarded by another. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have given to others, i.e. given to charity - I gave to those who are less privileged than me because I felt culpable about the world situation, where I have only ever been concerned with creating a cushy comfortable life for myself, never really considering why I should be more comfortable than others and although this question was bothering me somewhere -  I suppressed all that I saw within myself because I have programmed myself since childhood to only be focussed on my own survival. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have been moody and angry when I did not get what I want from the world, my friends, my parents, my colleagues or even from people whose name I don’t even know. 

I commit myself to recreate myself so that I all I ever do and act as I do in self-movement and from self-direction. 

I commit myself to use common sense in what I do in the world to understand in detail how it benefits everyone equally - where I am one of the equals. 

I commit myself to continue investigating myself and to deprogram all points that are reward driven, so that I can stand as life, and from here create a world in which children are raised in equality and oneness.



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Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Day 15, 2012 agreement and personality

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my ‘real-tionship’ like a project that I need to work on, and by doing I do I divert myself from seeing who I am in the agreement.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am not in balance between who I am within the agreement and how the agreement is evolving. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have self-trust within how I manage my Self within the agreement, what I accept and allow myself to be. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what we live together as our agreement is not unfolding in a ‘fruitful’ direction - yet I have shown to myself that I have been able to release aspects of my personality, which I have never touched upon before - thus I focus on what is ‘not working’ in the agreement instead of seeing that we are both going through our process and not walking a given path.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have programmed myself as a copy of my mother - because I see that within my personality I am focussed on the ‘other’ and I judge their contribution to the agreement, instead of taking what I experience back to self. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I want to be exempt from being a contributor in how the agreement is going, and that my participation within the areas that I judge as ‘not working‘ is part of whatever is not working. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of control within myself and within the agreement. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can get ‘whatever needs to get done’ more effectively than my agreement partner.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus on what is not working instead of seeing the balance of things within my process. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that highlighting what is not working in the agreement will create better results in implementing and walking the changes. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust that I can apply myself within the agreement without having to judge it in polarisation. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as confined by the agreement because I cannot live my life as if I were alone. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want things to go the way I see them, I realise that that is pure self-interest and does not consider the perspective of another. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that my primary concern is the contribution to changing the world so that it is best for all. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate self into believing my future projections about the agreement. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have expectations within the agreement as to how my agreement has to support my process
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish that my agreement partner points me to aspects of my personality that I cannot see for myself - yet I know that through self-honesty and writing I can see this for myself  - and by wishing on my agreement partner  that he can be that for me,  I do not take self-responsibility for self-willed change.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself in focussing on my self-development, whether my agreement is progressing adequately or not.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that if I do not take whatever frustrates me about the agreement “back to self” and judge my partner rather than investigate my contribution, then I am blaming another because I do not want to change.
I commit myself to no longer use any excuses concerning my participation in how our agreement is evolving.
I commit myself to walk the point of control-less interaction with my agreement partner and stop judging and believing that I should or must lead whatever activity we are pursuing at a given time. 
I commit myself to apply myself as equal where I match within my behaviour whatever I would like to see from my agreement partner. 
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Monday, April 30, 2012

Day 14, 2012 The connection between self-trust and fear

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What is the connection between self-trust and fear? In walking my process I have repeatedly realised that not facing my fear by communicating with others, or by placing myself into the situation that causes the fear - I realise that the underlying energetic pattern that repeats is that I perceive myself as having ‘no power’ in the determining the outcome of the situation or the communication that causes the fear. Meaning, the outcome of the situation, that I am afraid of, will be without my input. 
Yet every time, when I do break through this is not so.  I am the one who co-creates the situation together with all the other elements of the situation, and within that I am the one who accepts or not, outcome. The fear then is a belief in the illusion that I am not the creator of my reality, and this is the only way mind-space can trap me. The 'pressure' I impose of myself as helpless being.  
How I have been able face my fears is through the development of self-trust which is in itself a movement, a physical movement to speak, to act - and to fix one’s focus on the movement, to become the movement. This is what I understand through walking my process, yet the most layered fears, or the secret mind, take me for a ride time and again. I stop all of this ‘standing on the edge’ and I face my fears, I breathe here in self-trust.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that when I face my fears I experience a loss of some sort.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that this loss is only the loss of the illusion that I have no creative power as Self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not walk through the situation by writing it out, including the “what if...” - the worst possible outcome, and use what I have written as basis for self-forgiveness - instead I hold back, turn back, and do not face the fear, until there is a such a build up and I finally must face my fear. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that a fear about a particular situation is an indicator for me to extend my self-trust, and that as long as I have fears it is always showing me that I am not equal as Self-trust.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that re-creating myself is an ongoing, open process, and that is only up to me to address fears as quickly as possible and by training and disciplining myself to respond immediately, I can stop creating more manifested consequence that might be painful for my body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make fears bigger than what they are, because after every fear I have walked through, facing myself, I have remained here. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not immediately address my fears when I realise I have a fear, and by not immediately addressing my fear I create a diversion for myself where I am not aware of other aspects of my pre-programmed existence, because I am ‘preoccupied’ in directing myself ‘away’ from the fear through denial tactics and/or excuses.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create attachments to my fears because I fear myself without fears.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not write out ‘excuses’ I have given myself in the past when holding onto a fear so that I can realise the point of excuses more easily because I recognise the ‘anatomy of an excuse’. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not question my responses more, because by questioning I expose the thoughts that I believe to be me. 
I realise that my fears are one of the main entry points into my pre-programmed nature, as the secret mind is lined with fear and is the where the true nature of me resides. 
I commit myself to training myself to respond immediately to fears when I have become aware of them. 
I commit myself to remaining steadfast about questioning my response and all internal dialogs, and through which I can create awareness of what I have allowed and accepted to exist as me. 
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Sunday, April 29, 2012

Day 13, 2012 Why do I have to play caretaker? I don’t want to live in your mess!

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have backchat because of how I experience myself in shared living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am the one who must take care of things around the house because my housemates are men.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have accepted the belief that men have no initiative around the house, and that, even if I mention it repeatedly, this will not change things, and thus I am better off just doing it myself. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself in anger because I have to initiate all basic things that have to be done around the house, while my housemates rely on me doing so. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience frustration with the situation of shared living because I do not know how to effectively communicate to the others that I no longer accept being the one who is ‘in charge’ of the house.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anger because I do not want to spent my time explaining why everyone has to support the household equally, by taking self-initiative, without me having to do it or to prompt the others to do so. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to live by myself again because I can rely on my participation on keeping things in a ‘livable’ condition - by doing the basic chores in convenient moments, so that I keep household maintenance to a minimum and do not spend much time on it. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I am living by myself I am in control of my environment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing that I do not know how to approach my housemates, to communicate effectively, that leading a household in a shared environment requires everyone to participate through self-initiative -  beyond the basic tasks - as there are many little tasks that go unseen but will accumulate and then require more time as when they are taken care of continuously with some effort here and there. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my housemates cannot see what needs to be done to maintain the house on a very basic level, and have accepted this as excuse for me having to do it. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anger because I believe that my housemates act as if they are exempt from the household when they are not always here. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to cause conflict and therefore do not speak up about my experience within this situation because when I have spoken up in the past it caused reactions between us. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience resentment because I have to accept living at a standard that I find unacceptable, and because I have years of optimising my household skills which I developed when living alone, because I simply did not want to have to deal with spending more time than absolutely necessary on these tasks.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself in anger because I observe my housemates’ living style, as if they are ‘living’ at home with the their mothers, and because I do not speak up, I have accepted the place of the mother who takes care of the living environment. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I speak up my housemates will react with rejection and withdraw rather than seeking a solution that is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project that my housemates will react with rejection, when I fear rejection because I change and no longer accept to be the caretaker of the house.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience being trapped, because on the one hand I do not feel comfortable in an unmaintained house, and on the other hand I do not want to be the one who has to do the bulk of the work. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear speaking up because when I spoke up in the past, I experienced the men as ganging up on me, and devaluing my concerns through superiority speak, and I experienced myself as helpless and undermined. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anger because I believe that my housemates live in separation towards ‘ALL that concerns the house’  - instead of seeing that this separation is self-interest, and is exactly what we are living in the world today.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled by fear and by doing so have created resentment of the situation instead of facing my fear and finding a way to communicate this situation to my housemates. 
I realise that regardless of fearing my housemates reactions I must push myself to communicate the situation until there is a lasting change. 
I realise that before I speak to my housemates I must be standing free of any emotional charge so that I can come to the table from the starting point of what is best for all.
I realise that men and women have been raised with these patterns and that blaming either party is to not take self-responsibility to stop and change all patterns related to gender roles. 
I commit myself to communicating with my housemates about the established patterns of men and women in shared living, and to do do what it takes to release the pattern by taking responsibility - to create a shared living where all are equal participants based on shared living rather than 'individual usage'.


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