Saturday, April 21, 2012

Day 5, 2012 On Sadness

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the memories of my childhood.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am what I experienced in my childhood. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I label my childhood as bad/negative/wrong
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my childhood as an excuse not to stop self-pity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have attachment to the abuse I experienced as a child.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself in sadness because I do not get attention from others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself and thus I want attention from others.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek attention from others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need attention from others. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel good about myself when I get attention from others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself and therefore need to get attention from others as self-validation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use attention as a way to divert myself from facing myself and to initiate change. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I get attention my life will be better.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with feelings to attention given to me because it gives me a momentary validation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be motivated by wanting attention instead of motivating myself in self-movement in creating myself within the principle what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to share what I have to share haphazardly because my motivation is not share what is best for all but to share to get attention.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see getting attention as motivator for my actions. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the need of validation because I hold on to the fear of not being enough, as I program I have accepted in my childhood. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have programmed myself to experience fear of myself when I don’t get validated by someone else.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience emotions through the lack of or reception of attention. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make others responsible for giving me attention when I am not giving attention to myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others when I do not get attention from them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others when they give me attention. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as good/positive/right when they give me attention.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as bad/negative/wrong when they don’t give me attention. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the memory of not being heard by my parents.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider not being heard by others as bad/wrong/negative.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need others to hear me. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to validate myself when I know that others hear me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to validate that I am doing the right/good/positive thing when others respond to me because they heard me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for quick fixes when I want others to hear me and respond to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want others to hear me and respond to me which makes believe that I have power.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the program that I installed through my interactions with my mother by having to respond to her to validate that I have heard her and that I will follow her orders.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to harbor anger  against mother because I felt she forced me to answer her in compliance with her orders
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself in anger because I felt helpless when my mother forced me to respond to her to acknowledge that I have heard her. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not let go of the anger that keeps me enslaved in the programming I have accepted to be me, when I grew up. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept sadness as a way to express my anger that I have suppressed in response to the program I have accepted to be me when interacting with my mother.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept that the way I have programmed myself in wanting others to hear me and respond to me I have done so through my own acceptances and allowances. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mother for my experiences.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must hold on to my childhood memories to validate my emotions that I am currently experiencing in my process.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is any reason why I must hold onto my memories from my childhood.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot let go of my memories because then I would no longer be sad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must hold on to sadness to justify what I have experienced as a child. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my parents as special as protectors, as the people who have raised me, as the people I have to be thankful for my existence. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire my parents to be different because I do not like the way they talk to me and so I separate myself from my parents and justify this separation through my experience of sadness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that it is not up to my parents but up to me to talk to my parents, as I talk to other people. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sadness to justify my personality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my likes and dislikes, regarding who I communicate with. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my interactions between my parents and I with that of other people and I, and use this evaluation as justification to feel sad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect sadness with self-pity. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that self-pity and sadness help my current situation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop self-pity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see self-pity as an adequate way to judge myself and my situation. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want attention from others and thus I will accept to feel pity for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stay in breath but instead to move myself into self-pity. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find time and again reasons why I need to recite, memorise or talk about my past from the perspective that I suffered so much instead of taking a stance now that the past is no longer here, and that to free myself from the past I have to let go of the past through self-honesty and self-forgiveness instead of reveling in sadness. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the past as I memorise it to the feeling of sadness.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to free myself from my past but instead hold on to my past in sadness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my past as abusive and in that I trap myself by separating myself from myself because all that is here is me. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the past because through the feeling of sadness I can point fingers to my parents and make them responsible for my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on the past in sadness because then I allow myself to create polarity and justify my anger at my parents. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the self-definition of myself as not being social enough. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to sadness because in this sadness I can isolate myself from others. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be sad so that I can hold on to my past because I fear change. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be sad because I fear losing what I know when I let go of what I know to change and become equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself in sadness because I judge myself as not social enough. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself in sadness because I believe that not being social enough disadvantages me in the long run.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself in sadness, which I use as an excuse not to stand up, and move myself towards becoming more social. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as sad because I fear who I am as creative person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my creativity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being creative because I fear that I will be wasting my time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as sad because I see being creative as being special.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as sad because I do not place value on self-expression. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as sad because I have accepted to believe that self-expression has no real value in my busy life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as sad because I compare my musical skills to those of other people. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as sad because I do not direct myself efficiently and thus waste time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as sad because I give in to my mind when creating resistances instead of pushing myself to direct myself here in breath. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as sad because I have opportunities to change but I do not take them more seriously. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not understand time management and thus I feel sad. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop self manipulation by not staying focussed on a task and thus I allow myself to feel sad to not have changed. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop self manipulation and thus not take my process as the most important thing in my life, and as a result I feel sad. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as sad because I accept being self-limiting. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad because I place expectation on myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad because I want to live up to my expectations and I don’t. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad because I fear change towards freeing myself from limitation. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that change is difficult and to manipulate my change through accepting sadness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that change is difficult.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'difficult' with 'sadness'.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge change as difficult.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that sadness helps me in changing because change is difficult.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept sadness to stop myself changing. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that sadness is so deep that I can’t stop it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself and become frustrated and within that accept the emotion of sadness as valid.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself and thus ‘castrate’ my Self to not change and accept sadness as relief.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept frustration as solution of my problems. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the emotion of frustration with the emotion of sadness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that frustration changes my situation. 
I stop all sadness. I take responsibility for my emotions/feelings I see them for what they are a mechanism of the mindconsciousness system for the production of energy. 
If sadness comes up again, I realise that all I need to do is be here in breath and let the sadness go by without attaching myself to the emotion. I am here, equal and one to sadness.
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Day 4, 2012 Seeing impatience programming through the interaction with another

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I was having a conversation with X about something in my professional life that required me to make a decision. I was having difficulty deciding on the best way forward. A matter that I see as important for me and for us in determining some future aspects of my/our life.  The conversation came about in an ad hoc manner. I approached X while he was sitting at this desk. He did not seem engrossed in some task, and thus I spoke with him. I stated my 'problem' and he gave me a brief answer, then, immediately returned to looking at his computer screen. 

I felt that the answer he gave me was insufficient and superficial. I became angry. From my perspective, I lumped his behaviour with another program we are currently walking. This program has to do with X not wanting to listen, or listening in a haphazard manner. Normally, when I experience him not listening to me, I repeat my question and point out which aspects of his answer have overlooked aspects of the question. 
In this conversation I did not consider his answer in any depth, I got angry. I responded to him that I prefer that he tells me when he does not want to talk to me instead of participating marginally. My anger did not last very long but the fact that I got angry was surprising. In the recent weeks, we have had several chats about these (not listening)  points and X has stated that he is aware of this automated mechanism. He has done self-forgiveness and has been walking the self-correction for a while. I realise that the reason for my anger was rooted in the dishonesty of impatience towards myself and this situation was bringing out a particular aspect of my impatience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that X not listening to me is X’s problem.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I ask X whether he has time to talk or not, and if he says yes, then he must fulfill my expectation of a proper answer. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I have an important matter to discuss that X has to discuss it from the same starting point. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge X’s answer as useless and superficial.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at X when I am angry at myself because I believe that if I need a perspective on my own professional matters is a weakness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being dependent on another’s perspective on one of my personal matters is bad/wrong/negative.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself in anger. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel helpless about handling a decision in professional matters.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be impatient with Self and to not trust that I will figure out the best strategy for the matter at hand. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making the wrong/negative/bad decision because I have not had someone else’ perspective on the matter. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have control over the course of my conversation with X
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have considered my starting point before speaking with X.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have checked my starting point when I got ‘apparently’ stuck in giving my Self alternative perspectives on the matter. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become impatient with myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not see that my impatience comes from wanting to have quick results, and from this starting point I create frustration. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I feel frustrated about something important I can seek the help from someone else and thus place the responsibility for making progress on the matter onto that person. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not seeing that when I react with impatience to anything I block myself in finding solutions, and will, one way or another, abdicate responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make assumptions about X not having answered my question with care because I respond to the picture of his behaviour, which was to immediately turn away from the conversation. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the picture of X’s behaviour, as trigger point for my anger.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that because I am patient in some ways, I am patient in all ways. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame X for my experience, frustration born from impatience. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have been impatient with my Self which has caused frustration and has led me find external resources that could help fix the perceived problem instead of me first turning inside and dealing with the frustration. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be patient with myself, and thus activate the program from my childhood where I had to cope with my mother’s impatience, and instead of taking responsibility for this programming I repeat in situations with X. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still blame my mother for the damage I had done to myself.
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From the perspective of my mother:

I forgive myself accepting and allowing myself to have programmed myself as the manifestation of a mother who is impatient with her daughter
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not recognise the pattern of impatience and how it played out in family life, but have operated from the belief that this is how one has to exist in this life.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have imposed my belief on my daughter 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that rushing and moving in haste is a way to control my life and that of others, to push them to do more in less time. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that controlling my daughter’s movement gave meaning to my life. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have existed in fear all of my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have abused myself and my family because I function from the starting point of fear. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have suppressed reflection on my behavioural pattern because that would have made me recognise the character of abuse and thus the need for change.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change.
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Self-corrective application:

I realise that there is no self-realisation without patience. 
I realise that through patience I can perfect my process of walking Self out of the mindconsciousness system and into the physical. 
I recognise through patience and perfection I recreate myself from the physical.

I understand that patience or impatience is not a general 'trade' but a program with a thought patterns that can surface in seemingly insignificant situations. What this situation has shown me is that I was absorbed in an emotional state of frustration which then led to anger and blame.

Subtle emotions/feelings are just as valid as gross emotions/feelings. I stop them all through breathing here. I stop all impatience and keep moving breathe by breathe. Whenever I reach the point of frustration again, I do not engage in automatic behaviour, instead I stop all activities that have induced the frustration and breathe. Then, I will myself into here-ness only and I will recognise this when I am relieved of any physical symptoms that are the marker of frustration. However, if I am unable to resume without feelings I stop all activity related to the matter and do something else, I only proceed when I am entirely clear. 
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Thursday, April 19, 2012

Day 3, 2012 Separation from the physical through suppression of movement

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I have a tendency to work in front of my computer for long hours. I recall that I trained myself to do this years ago when I was working on large projects with heavy deadlines. Lately, I have been dealing with the issue of time management because I have to cater to many different tasks in one day, which is not what I habitually do. Learning to switch tasks and to be effective within accomplishing my work has shown me several behavioural patterns. Since I have listened to Anu’s interviews (9), I have changed my approach to time completely: I move in cycles of movement.  I focus on getting through one activity, and if that one activity is too long to be completed in a reasonable amount of time, then I stop at a convenient point within the work, to resume it at a later stage. In essence I have refocussed my perception of time, and I stop looking at the clock to measure myself against it. 
However, I have noticed that I often override a point where it’s convenient to stop and do something else, where my body physically wants to move, beyond how I can move in a chair. Then, I push to go one more notch within the task that I am doing although I know that to get to this next notch, it will actually take more time than what I try to convince myself to believe. This pattern occurs as I am making the decision to continue working. I realised that this is one of the behavioural patterns I have in how I have allowed myself to abuse my body, and suppress its needs. In this particular aspect, I then move around on my chair and will feel physically uncomfortable. But I will suppress this uncomfortable experience of myself, and from this a kind of internal struggle arises, where the two points (my physical body wants to move vs my mind insists on keeping on with work) collide and create conflict.
I stop suppressing physical movement. I stop all accepting self-abuse and the abjection of the physical. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my mind to dominate my physical body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my physical body by believing that I must keep working because it is more important than physically moving around and to be active, for my physical body to recover from having to sit still on a chair for many hours. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept that I can only move through and with my body, to get any and all tasks done.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can’t recognise within my Self when my body wants to move.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when my body wants to move while I am working, than it is self-sabotage because I don’t want to work.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have ignored the signals of my body and have not looked at the situation in self-honesty. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have programmed myself to suppress the movement of my body because I exist in fear of survival. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have programmed myself to be addicted to working, at the expense of my body, because I believe that this ensures my survival.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have accepted ‘addiction to work’ because I do not want to face myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have accepted ‘addiction to work’ because I believe only then I can reach perfection in my achievements, in whatever it is that I am working on. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not seen my body as equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within suppression of physical movement I also suppress my body's needs to go to the toilet when I have to, but to wait because I believe that it is not convenient within the task that I am working on. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within suppression of physical movement I also suppress my body's needs to eat properly, where I do not take time for preparing and eating food because I believe that the act of eating is of lesser importance and is time I can spare and minimise. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my body by having programmed myself to value myself from the point of ‘performance capacity’ and not as life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have programmed myself to believe that the physical reality is always subordinate to the mind, and that although I ‘know’ better through my process, I still accept behavioural patterns that undermine my physical body. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am not productive enough and through this fear I abuse my body by suppressing movement.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I suppress physical movements I will work faster.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my physical needs as ‘adjustable’ or as 'open for negotiation'  and thus as lesser than my mind, in that I will stop working when I am tired but I won’t stop working when my body wants to move.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have gotten used to not physically ‘feeling comfortable’ so that I don’t register the signals of my body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not equalise my body’s movement and my breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my body as a ‘vehicle for movement’ and in doing so justify abusive behaviour patterns.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to my mind when I have to make the decision whether I need to continue working or engage in another task. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have trusted myself that I will get things done without having to abuse my physical body through suppression.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge taking breaks from working as bad/negative/wrong. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought of  ‘physical movement’ with ‘having to work’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not create the most comfortable working environment for myself although I will create the most comfortable working environment for a ‘mental’ task.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept that the very ‘nature’ of my being is physical substance. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept to be patience with my physical Self in any circumstance and situation of my time here. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have accepted that to strive for perfection entails abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience guilt when I move about without my movements supporting a particular task I have to get done. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect guilt with physical movement. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have realised that when I experience myself as physical uncomfortable that it is my creation and that I can stop the pattern. 

Memory:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the memory of my father telling me “Indianer kennt kein Schmerz” exist within me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the memory of my father telling me - in response to my experience of physical pain - “Indianer kennt kein Schmerz”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define strength, commitment, perseverance, and perfection within the memory of my father telling me “Indianer kennt kein Schmerz”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself separate myself from strength, commitment, perseverance and perfection, through defining strength, commitment, perserverance and perfection, within a memory of my father, in separation of myself. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that strength, commitment, perseverance and perfection can only be real when I can implement them within the equality of what is here, and within listening to my physical body to create equal conditions for all parts that are Self, here as me in every moment of breath. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect “Indianer kennt kein Schmerz” with having to get work done. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define “Indianer kennt kein Schmerz” within having to get work done.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from “Indianer kennt kein Schmerz” and from having to get work done through defining the “Indianer kennt kein Schmerz” within having to get work done, in separation of myself. 
Realisation:

I realise that I have programmed myself throughout my life to accept ‘feeling physically uncomfortable’ as a byproduct of living in this world. I realise that I have taken on this programming, as it exists within my family, and that I can stop the acceptance of the belief I must ‘suffer’ physically to keep the status quo or the picture, to be effective, to be alive - right here in this moment. 
I stop all abuse towards my physical body and this begins with adhering and responding to the signals of my body regarding movement and food, to act physically without fear of failure and fear of loss, always to remain in self-trust.
Whenever I find myself suppressing movement of my physical body, I delete the thought and slow down in breath. I create awareness of my physical needs and I see the thoughts for what they are - a program within the mindconsciousness system. 

I commit myself to re-learning and perfecting listening in awareness to the signals of my body, and to stand by fulfilling its needs at all times, equal and one. 

[Continue reading...]
 
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