Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Day 222, 2012 Between fear and enjoyment - closing the gap in breath and self-trust 7




This is the last post in this series that started on day 215. Here I am finalising this series with the physical dimension and the consquences. While writing these posts (Days 215, 216, 217, 218, 219, 221) I realised the true nature of my 'program' that has determined the situation: it was not as simplistic as I had initially stated in the opening post. I realised that the main cause for the situation to unfold as it did was my reluctance to create a starting point of responsibility. I was looking for a way out through another entity, who would take care of me. (in this case the group of researchers I was talking to) As the situation unfolded it began to drag on and nothing was evolving or becoming clearer. If anything, what evolved was convoluted and I was making increasingly adjustments to better fit the situation. Within that I let backchat direct me. Now that I have clarity on this point. I will direct myself and bring this situation to closure - in real life, as in this series of posts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create faces of disappointment where the corner of my lips hang down, and wrinkles form on my forehead.

If and when I create physical reactions I make myself aware how I have automated my body to respond to my emotions/feelings. I commit myself to see, realise and understand how I move my body and thus learn to move myself from within awareness of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create tightness in my intestinal area.

If and when I create tightness in my solar plexus area I realise that I am suppressing myself, I stop and breathe. I commit myself to stop suppressing myself and preempt these physical symptoms by facing myself in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel queasy in my stomach area.

If and when I feel queasy in my stomach area I realise that I am abusing myself and that there is no escape from the physical consequences. I commit myself to stop myself in my tracks when a situation starts to unfold with all the signs that my participation is based on fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself in a 'beaten' body posture, slumped over with arms passively dangling next to my torso.

If and when I take on the 'beaten' body posture, I realise that this is the result of me using self-pity against myself. I commit myself to stop self-pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to no longer be in awareness but to listen to my backchat.

I commit myself to simply stop backchat and breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the consequence of me not wanting to take responsibility has created this situation.

If and when I am facing myself in this situation again as I do, I stop myself from recreating the same situation by stopping all surrounding fears because I have clearly seen that it is because of fear i start this chain of events.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself through the consequences of not standing up, and facing my fears but instead let myself be directed by them.

I realise that consequences are avoidable. I maintain my daily application of breathing and commit myself to apply myself in creating a life of self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create consequences from holding onto hope, and thus wasting my time instead of pursuing other leads.

I commit myself to clean up any situation right away and no longer 'wait to see what happens'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a stagnant place for myself where I can linger in frustration and self-pity which I created in consequence of my behaviour.

I commit myself to write myself out until I see the point of self-pity so that I can stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself in how I interact with others because I fear loss and thus have created the consequences of confusion and uncertainty.

I commit to create clarity in my life by facing my fears.  

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