Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Day 221, 2012 Between fear and enjoyment - closing the gap in breath and self-trust 6



This post is a continuation of what I wrote on day 219. For context of this situation day 215 outlines the basic premise. Here I am detailing the reaction dimension.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the situation by not being able to respond in a fluid manner but instead experience an inner stumbling evoked by my emotional state, where I end up looking for words to speak.

If and when I have put myself in a situation where I cannot clearly state why I am there and what I want, I realise that I create confusion for myself and others. I stop and look at what I am accepting myself to exist as and make a decision in common sense. I commit myself to not wait until the situation resolves itself but communicate as clearly as possible and accept that the situation my not present any solutions but may be a dead end, which I accept and move on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react by searching for words that cover up my fear.

If and when I am placing myself in this position where I am looking to avoid revealing myself, and indeed try to hold up a facade, I realise that this is an opportunity that I have missed to understand who I am in self-honesty. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that all situations that I encounter are equal to me if I stand as an equal to them. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with an uneasiness within myself where I do not want to make a commitment or a decision - in other words I don't take a clear stance because I see myself as 'slave' within the situation.

If and when I create a situation where I end up acting from the starting point of inferiority, I realise that letting someone else make a decision for my life is not taking responsibility - no matter how minute the situation will impact me. Waiting for something to happen is like waiting for god - I commit myself to stop beliefs and use/work/move whatever is here in the moment, and stop all future projection of what could be if and when....

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react contrary to how I would like to act because I want to keep my doors open and not say 'no' to something that could be of further interest down the line.

If and when I engage in activities that in essence are only there to keep my doors open I realise that in this situation I create self-abuse because in order to keep my doors open I must go along with the situation and give my power away by not directing myself. I commit myself to stop keeping my doors open and become the director of my life by stopping all thoughts and all fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with suspicion towards my potential collaborators by looking at the underlying motives for their offer.

If and when I am being offered something that I know I don't want to do, I stop looking for ways to blame others but take responsibility by 1) assessing the situation in common sense and 2) communicating the outcome of my assessment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with disappointment because the conversation does not address the points I was expecting to be addressed at this time.

If and when I react with disappointment I realise that somewhere I am still acting from hope. i commit myself to take disappointment as a cue for me to investigate my starting point and all my feelings and emotions attached to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react from a starting point of feeling used instead of realising that I have put myself into this situation.

If and when I want to blame others, I look at what I have missed in my own conduct that let me to believe that I am being used. I commit myself to work on taking all situations back to self in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in a stifled manner- where I sit in the discussion and would like to have clarify of the situation but hold back because I fear my collaborators' reaction - not realising that this situation has nothing to do with the people I talk to but with me not trusting myself.

If and when I realise that I once again acted from a point of missing self-trust, I keep digging and working until I reach clarity in how I have sabotaged myself. I commit myself to one-by-one let go of all the programs that prevent me from trusting myself and commit myself to stop all fears through self-trust.


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