Sunday, December 16, 2012

Day 219, 2012 Between fear and enjoyment - closing the gap in breath and self-trust 5


Here I am continuing to write on the series of posts that started on day 215. This post focusses on the backchat dimension.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the voice in my mind who tells me that this research topic is boring and preparing the presentation will derail me.

If and when I realise that I am listening to the voice in my head, I stop myself and breathe. I commit myself to tune out of backchat as soon as it arises.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to backchat about what waste of time it were for me to do be part of this conference.

If and when I realise that I looking for excuses in regards to not having sufficient time, I know that I am engaging in self-sabotage. I commit myself to heighten my awareness on this point of "not enough time" and stop this 'popular manner' of self-sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create confusion within myself by allowing myself to listen to backchat where I to push myself to participate in the conference and, at the same time, have backchat where I am telling myself to do exactly the opposite.

If and when I realise that I create confusion within myself I realise that I am diverting myself from the real issues at hand. I commit myself to stop all diversion tactics and stop myself from thinking.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create backchat that conflicts me and thus keeps me busy and trapped between polarities.

If and when I realise that I have polarised voices talking in my head, I stop myself immediately. I commit myself to stop all mental "perspectives" and remain in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create backchat where I distrust my potential colleagues.

If and when I realise that I am creating a separation between myself and others who I work with academically, I stop myself, breathe, and stop myself from looking for blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is truth in my backchat, hence I allow myself to listen to it.

If and when I believe that I think, I stop myself and get physically active.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that without backchat I would be unable to decide what would be the most optimal way forward.

If and when I believe that backchat has the solutions I remind myself of the state of the world that is created by backchat. I commit myself to refrain from creating delusion and seek the truth in breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I can look at what is happening in my life and make decisions in common sense by writing and explaining the situation to myself.

If and when I realise that backchat is taking over, I start to write. I commit myself to stop all 'thinking' and focus on writing for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I do not have to have common sense on the tip of my tongue - and realise that any thought that comes up instantly is backchat instead of common sense.

If and when I try to convince myself that my backchat is common sense, I realise that this is a form of self-sabotage. i commit myself to bring myself back to awareness and stop all thoughts through breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that by listening to my backchat I look for validation about my decision in how to proceed with this.

If and when I look for validation, I realise that I am dealing with a case of missing self-trust. I commit myself to develop my writing discipline effectively so that I can trust myself in the decisions I make. 

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