Friday, December 14, 2012

Day 218, 2912 Between fear and enjoyment - closing the gap in breath and self-trust 4






This is the fourth post in this series that started on Day 215, which is where the initial situation is laid out. The content here is about the imagination dimension. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that the results I will produce will not be sufficient.

If and when I doubt that I can be effective I stop and breathe and realise that this is just the 'program' that is running within me to shatter my self-trust and keep me trapped. I commit myself to stop evaluating my work before I've even began, and stop myself from evaluating my work from a delusional place. I commit myself further to evaluate any work I do from the context of the work itself - the why, how, and what that I am communicating in common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I was not prepared enough to answer questions from other researchers or from the audience.

If and when I doubt that I am prepared enough to present any material I only concern myself with understanding the points I am making. I realise that I will never have a complete understanding of the material because all research material moves forward, it does not come to a stagnant end. Within in that I commit myself to walk my responsibility in that I communicate that which I have an understanding of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I was not interested enough to go deeply into the material.

If and when I realise that I am becoming bored with the material and look for excuses to distract myself I stop and breathe, I realise that this is a form of self-sabotage, because by "not being interested" I allow myself to not give 100% and start to slack in my responsibility of investigating, conceptualising and communicating the material.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I am getting bored with the concepts, lose interest, and then have to drag myself to create a presentation.

If and when I project that I give up by creating disinterest I stop myself and breathe, I do not allow myself to go there and sabotage my efforts. I realise that I can take a break and find myself in self-honesty before proceeding with the work. I commit myself to stop myself from falling into the trap of giving up and allowing the "I give up" character to take over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that something intervenes and I have done all the work for nothing.

If and when I realise that I predict an obstacle as mechanism for self-sabotage, I stop and breathe. I realise that self-sabotage comes in many forms but has always the same point: to fall into resistances and jeopardise my effectiveness. I commit myself to recognise resistances for what they are and stop myself from accepting to function from the starting point of resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I get a better opportunity to do some research work elsewhere and then experience myself torn between the two.

If and when I fall into the trap of "the grass is greener on the other side" I stop myself and breathe. I realise that I have trapped myself in comparison. I commit myself to stop comparing myself in any manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that it's no use to do this research because it's not exactly what I am interested in anyway.

If and when I want to use my interest as the driving factor in my life, I stop myself and realise that "interest" as well as "preference" is something I have fabricated to identify myself with values that fit my programming. I commit myself to stop "interest" and "preference" and utilise what is here fully and in every way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I am better off not to get involved because otherwise I have too much on my plate.

If and when I self-sabotage I simply stop myself. I commit myself to discover and walk all dimensions of self-sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that the conference will not be that interesting and will be disappointing to me.

If and when I project outcomes I realise that this is again just a way for me to sabotage myself and so I stop and breathe. I commit myself to not make my participation dependent on anything that my mind tells me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that the researchers I am talking to just want to use me for their purposes.

If and when I become suspicious, I first write out the point before drawing any conclusions. I realise that the world as it is now is based on self-interest. I commit myself to allow myself to look at the situation from various perspectives. I stop myself from making any decisions based on emotional reactions and the belief that I am being exploited.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I don't have to make a decision now in how I want to proceed.

If and when I try to put the situation off so that I don't direct the point, I stop myself and realise that I need to give it a direction, and in that I realise that I can change the direction any time I see fit. I commit myself to understand what it means to direct myself in equality and oneness. 

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