Monday, December 10, 2012

Day 215, 2012 Between fear and enjoyment - closing the gap in breath and self-trust



Today I was in a meeting and it was suggested to me to give a presentation at an upcoming conference. The people I am talking to are looking at an interesting research topic. However, the topic is not part of my 'habitual' research area but interesting to me nonetheless. It is also offering me to expand my interdisciplinary approach into new territory. In short, it will enrich my research let alone providing me with the opportunity to give a large-scale presentation. In this meeting, when this idea was proposed to me, I immediately reacted in fear. Self-defeating thoughts flooded my mind, although I realised what was happening, I stopped and breathed, I managed partly to see it for what it was. Partly, because I experienced myself in a 'split' perception state.

On the one hand the fear of not being good enough ( rather a dimension thereof, as I have already walked some of this character in previous posts) and the other hand, there was me freely considering how to position this research and I was already engrossed in considering a variety of possibilities for an interdisciplinary approach. Though, this did not stop me from hanging on to the fear.

I can already see how this goes back to the lack of self-trust. Therefore, I will first walk this experience in self-honesty: the fears, the thoughts, the imagination, the backchat, the reactions, as well as the the physical manifestations and the consequence - before I even get started with the research...

Fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear failure when considering that I am going to start working on a new research branch.

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my suggestions and insights are not original enough to make an interesting contribution to the conference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I miss the point because my literature review is not extensive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will make a fool of myself and am not worthy my title.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will disappoint my collaborators.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing where to start on the project.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not seeing the value of this opportunity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself - and facing my fears through and in this project.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not fulfilling my desire to do a good job on this project.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my perspective is not interesting to my collaborators.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that no one can understand what I am talking about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I only see simplicity and fail to see the complexity of the research problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I can only make a straw man's argument.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I do not have enough time for this project.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am spreading myself too thinly.

In my next post I will follow with commitment statements.

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