Saturday, December 1, 2012

Day 211, 2012 ...more on parents



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have chosen to stay here x number of days because I wanted to prove to myself that I can cope with the situation now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the decision to expose myself to abuse - a decision made from the starting point that I want to portray a different view of who I am and where I come from than what is actually here.

If and when I make decisions about placing myself into a certain context, I evaluate my motivation in self-honesty and stop myself from acting from desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted with fear when exposed to hysteria, obsession and drama.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jeopardise myself through my desires by becoming so unstable that I am unable to operate efficiently.

If and when I am in the position to make decisions about how to approach a situation, I check for the best options to accommodate the goal I need to accomplish - whereby this option is best for all. I commit myself to act in common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I must 'endure' a situation for a particular time before I can leave an abusive environment - and in that I accept abuse within and without myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that this was the last time I have to expose myself to this type of abuse.

If and when I want relief from the environment, I realise that I have to take responsibility for having placed myself into this context voluntarily. I commit myself to take responsibility and stop blaming others for my experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine will end all this hysteria, obsession and drama.

If and when I make the choice to expose myself to abuse, I stop all judgement and remain here in breath. I commit myself to stop the accumulation of my emotions by writing myself out asap.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to imagine that death is salvation for A who is hooked on hysteria, and thus have abused death to separate myself from another.

If and when I have thoughts about others, I realise that I have these thoughts about myself. I commit myself to stop all separation between myself and others no matter what the circumstances are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I just want to get the hell out of the environment I am in.

If and when I want to control others I realise that this is me being afraid. I commit myself to stop all ideas about the behaviour of others and thus only focus on my own behaviour through breathing and self-awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dread any future engagement with this environment.

If and when I anticipate having to come back to this environment, I stop myself from doing so and let go of my fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that my close relations cannot know what I am going through.

If and when I want others to know how bad it is, I stop seeing myself as a victim and take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that death will bring freedom for me in some respect.

If and when I am looking to escape an abusive situation, I stop and breathe and realise that this is a form of wanting to relinquish responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat that I only have to come back one more time to pick up my stuff.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat that I have failed to remain stable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat asking myself how I managed to survive in this environment previously.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat that I don’t have to put myself through this again.

If and when I have backchat about the situation I have chosen to place myself into, I take responsibility all the way through and stop my backchat. I commit myself to stop my backchat by stopping all victimisation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not directed myself when I choose to come here but have followed the desire, which is part of the picture I have of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to come to terms with the situation and make decisions that are self-abusive.

If and when I compare myself to others in regards to this environment, I stop and breathe and stop all separation and points of comparison. I commit myself to realise that there is no better or worse situation, because no one is free and all are entrapped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility and ending the situation for myself.

If and when I have emotions come up of obligation and guilt I stop and breathe, and realise that it’s through my emotions that I remain enslaved. I commit myself to stop myself acting from emotion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to see that things are not so bad, and thus I expose myself to abuse, because I don’t want to accept that my family is not the way I desire it to be.

If and when I am eager to fulfill my desire for a picture perfect family I realise that I have programmed myself to believe that my self-acceptance relies on my family background.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not acted in common sense but have acted in self-interested, and within doing so have abused myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted from a place of wishful thinking when making arrangements to come here, rather than making arrangements that do not require me to abuse myself.

If and when I am in a similar situation again, I stop and breathe. I clear myself and act from a starting point of self-honesty. I commit myself to stop all self-sabotage regarding the reasons I give myself when I make decisions to come here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have feared that my partner would not accept me if I could not present pleasant family ties.

If and when I project my lack of self-acceptance onto my partner, I realise that I am not trusting myself. I commit myself to clear myself in self-honesty and identify all areas where I still don’t trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still not want to accept that this is what I am facing regarding the blood relationships I have in this world.

If and when I can’t accept my blood relations, I stop myself from separating myself from others and realise that all is me and I am all. I commit myself to accept my blood relations and understand that all relations are equal and one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with the belief that there is something that I can save me.

If and when I want to be saved by god I stop myself and realise where I am not taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the mind is cruel and destructive regardless what type of relationships is involved.

If and when I am trusting the mind, I stop myself and return my awareness to breath. I commit myself to consistently bring my awareness to the present moment. I commit myself to physically write out all decisions and stop working them out in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel drained and exhausted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel confused and dizzy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately abuse myself by immersing myself into these circumstances.

If and when I place myself in an abusive situation I rectify the situation as asap. I commit myself to walk out of my mind.


I commit myself to take responsibility for the consequences I create and make myself aware of what I have to do to change the situation and walk the change.

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