Friday, November 23, 2012

Day 206, 2012 My parental visit




I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to plan my visit with my parents by imaging how i will respond to the typical scenarios I usually face with my parents. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat where I tell myself that this time it's going to be better because I can see my part in it and I can stop it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat that deals with my resistances about questions that my mother will ask me, and I don't want to answer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lots of mind chatter going on regarding the visit to my parents and facing myself within the context of my childhood memories. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fear about situations of conflict ensuing with my mother because I fear that I am not able to be here in awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to face myself within my mother's emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I rather want to stay at home with my partner than to make this journey. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I'll have to fight with my mother who still wants to control me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that going to see my parents is a testing ground for myself where i reflect to myself what I still accept and allow myself to be. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat where I just want all this theatre to stop and get on with each other. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the backchat of "the victim" to come up in my mind and actually listen to it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine how I am going to structure my day so that I get a breather from my parents. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to dread that I'll have to listen to all kinds of stories by relatives I am not interested in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger to the visit,  which is not a real situation but a memory construct that I am reacting to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with pity about the situation, still sobbing somewhere inside of me, and belittling myself for having had such 'luck' of the draw regarding my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with a slightly depressed sense about myself - where all around me seems dull, bleak and dark.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with heaviness in my gait and the way I move in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react by not wanting to take care of myself, e.g. not drink water when I am thirsty. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to revert to old habits of self punishment in response to knowing that i am going to be with my parents. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that unless I get to the point of releasing all emotions and memories about my parents, and facing my parents in their entirety, I am shortchanging myself within my process. 

Commitment statements will follow in the next post. 

1 comments:

  1. "I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that going to see my parents is a testing ground for myself where i reflect to myself what I still accept and allow myself to be."

    Embrace and capitalise on the opportunity that presents itself. In-joy you wherever you are. Play with process!

    ReplyDelete

 
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