Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Day 205, 2012 A few minutes on the phone with a bunch of memories



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate meeting my parents, and anticipate the 'good old routine' we have in how we communicate with each other.

If and when I realise that I go into my mind and start to anticipate what is coming my way, I stop, breathe and relax. I commit myself to stop all estimates of how it is going to be when I see my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that this anticipation is fear of having to deal with my parents' emotions.

If and when the fear arises of me having to deal with my parents' emotions, I realise that I can look at it from the same perspective as if I were watching a movie - I commit myself to stand one and equal to all human emotions no matter who and by what means they are displayed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I do not admit this fear to myself but suppress it and end up in a bad mood because I want to brush over my responsibility regarding the role that I take up within communicating with my parents.

If and when I realise that my mood has shifted I investigate my situation and see what it is that I am suppressing. I commit myself to utilise this situation in order to write myself out, and release the limitations I have placed upon myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I will experience myself as I always do when I meet my parents.

If and when my imagination comes up and wants to draw on the past for fodder, I stop and breathe. I commit myself to bring my awareness here into my immediate environment and into my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I will breathe and remain stable and unaffected within my communications.

If and when I realise that I am scripting my role/character when seeing my parents I stop and bring my awareness into my immediate reality. I commit myself to stop all kinds of preparatory manoeuvres and stop all self-sabotage.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I get angry and frustrated because I experience myself as trapped and confined when I am with my parents.

If and when I experience myself as trapped, I stop and bring myself here. I commit myself to stop all escape mechanisms as I realise that the feeling of being trapped and confined is self-vicitimisation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to imagine how I just want to get away when I am with my parents.

If and when I have to urge to get away, I stop and realise that I can face myself in this moment. I commit myself to face myself in possible ways and at any opportunity that presents itself, and also make time for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought of myself in a picture with my parents being squeezed between both of them so that there is nothing left of me - until I am entirely suffocated.

If and when I have the one pixel thought of my parents suffocating me - I stop and breathe. I commit myself to no longer abuse my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought of me confronting my parents and asking my parents to stop with their bickering.

If and when I have a thought of confrontation with my parents to put a stop to the scene, I realise that this is all about me wanting control. I commit myself to stop controlling my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought where my mother's words get louder and louder and enter inside my head.

If and when I have a thought of my mother's behaviour I stop and breathe. I commit myself to stop reading emotions into the women who is my mother and stand one and equal to her as individual.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about my parents because I believe that they have not changed a bit and I will have to put up with the same old story.

If and when I have a thought how my parents have not changed I stop and breathe. I commit myself to stop judging my parents and take them 'as is' in the moment that is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about how to make the best of being around my parents, and showing myself that I, at least, can change.

If and when I tell myself to make the best of things, I realise that I want to believe my backchat, I stop and breathe. I commit myself to neither make it better or worse and engage with what is here in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about wanting to close all the gaps and separation between me and the world and how this is just another one of those gaps that I am going to close.

If and when I find myself plotting my process I stop and breathe. I commit myself to understand, see and realise that process is a pathless manner of directing myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted with a bad mood and slightly depressed feeling.

If and when I enter into a bad mood I realise that I need to breathe deeply. I commit myself to walk myself out of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have react with contractions in my solar plexus area.

If and when I contract my solar plexus area because of my thoughts, I simply stop them, I breathe and bring myself back to the physical reality I live in. I commit myself to stopping my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tense up my body within the anticipation of having to face myself within the context of my family.

If and when I become tense, I immediately make myself aware of my thoughts, and investigate my fears. I commit myself to release all fears one-by-one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise the consequences if I choose to not 'stand' in this situation, I am deliberately not taking responsibility, and I demonstrate to myself that I still blame my parents for my childhood experiences.

If and when I try to allow myself to find an excuse for not facing myself within the context of my family I stop and breathe. I see, realise and understand that I have used this character over the years,  and am now taking active steps to uncover and forgive all manoeuvres I have allowed myself to exist as, be it self-victimisation, self-sabotage, pity or self-deception. I commit myself to delete the daughter character. 

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