Sunday, November 18, 2012

Day 203, 2012 Social relations: still not free to be here




 During the conference, which I discussed in the previous posts, I noticed in hindsight that during the networking moments between sessions I still perceived myself as being, in part, directed by my emotions when I did not push through consistently to initiate conversations. Although it was a latent emotional state, I realise that I was hiding at times because I sought out my 'writing' partner to talk to instead of utilising every moment to make new connections.


Fears:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing who to talk to during the conference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I don't know what to talk about to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I must be friendly and understand my conversation partner's body language.

I commit myself to end this three-fold fear when talking to others, and close the separation gap by seeing myself as the other.


Thoughts:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself talking with another whereby the entire picture is played in slow motion and all talking is distorted and very difficult.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself talking to another who does not respond much at all so that I have to initiate topics throughout the conversation, and the whole conversation is dragging on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seeing myself in conversation with another who I have no interest in, and the person is talking a lot so that I can't get away.

I commit myself to stop all thoughts regarding the outcome or the conversation partner that I will encounter. If and when thoughts come up I stop and breathe and clear my starting point.


Imagination:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I make 'just' the right connections for my purpose of being there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that the people I am connecting with are great in following up and staying in contact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that people connect to me instead of me having to initiative talking to others.

I commit myself to stop projecting myself into the future regarding the outcome of my networking efforts and remain here in every breath. If and when I am drifting off into imagination, I breathe and bring myself here to the reality content that is here.


Backchat:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat "to network seems so much work, I will take a break and hang out with X" exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat "I can't see the forest for the trees, there are so many people here, who should I talk to?" exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat "I already made some connections, that should be enough" exist within me.

I commit myself to stop my backchat. If and when I experience backchat I stop and breathe and realign myself within my physical awareness.


Reactions:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into hiding by looking to stand around and talk with X in between sessions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed by the crowd and not seeing the individuals but just a group of people, where I no longer perceive individuals as possible conversation partners.

I commit myself to stop my mind by using the picture I see as a way to block myself from directing myself.


Physical:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience physical tension throughout my body, when in situations such as this one, where I am in between sessions floating around and networking with others.

I commit myself to stop my thoughts and thus stop my physical reactions - if and when the physical reaction appears I know that it's not real and the consequences of automated self-programmation, and thus I slow myself down and breathe deeply.


Consequence:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my emotions and make them my starting point instead of realising that my starting point is the equal and one physical reality we all move in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that in the beginning the transition from automated to self directed behaviour may require some pushing through - and instead of accepting this to be so, I use it as a cue to allow my emotions to direct me.


I commit myself to stop my emotions and learn to recognise when I believe in my emotions as directing force, instead of directing myself through bringing myself here in awareness. 

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