Saturday, November 17, 2012

Day 202, 2012 Social relations: sacrificing my routine



As stated in the previous post, the past few days I was involved in conference activities. This interrupted my routine.

One activity that was affected by this interruption was my daily blog writing. Although I had chosen to be at the conference, and was grateful for the opportunity, parts of me were resenting the investment of time. I could see that being with all these people was helping me to walk several points I had already forgiven, and now had the opportunity to apply walking them practically. Yet, at times there was a slight resentment about the time it took away from my 'routine' life.

Fears:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing a grip on my agenda and falling behind when my routine gets interrupted.

I commit myself to stop attachment to external crutches and rely on self by trusting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming ineffective because I no longer have the "sense of safety" of my agenda to fall back onto.

I commit myself to stop myself from looking for safety to defer my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having a measure how productive I am.

I commit myself to stop judging myself regarding a projected goal, in how I want to see myself as productive person.


Thoughts:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought that I must try to find a moment to squeeze in more activities than 'just' going to the conference, and thus think about finding a "hole"in the time I am at the conference where I can work on other stuff.

I commit myself to stop creating alternative realities which I construct in my mind and then try to implement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought about how difficult it will be to catch up if I don't find time to write in this moment.

I commit myself to stop creating fears within myself as a form of self-punishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought that I am going to "get comfortable in my mind" if I don't write - and consequently it will be more difficult for me to see my behaviour and thoughts.

I commit myself to stop self-sabotage where I blackmail myself into fears.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought of comparison where I think "others get more stuff done, why can't I".

I commit myself to stop comparing myself to others.


Imagination:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I am doing an activity much faster than I can do in reality to make up for the perception of time lost.

I commit myself to stop creating a parallel 'working' reality in my mind, and stop furthermore to try to implement that reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that there is a time slot during the conference where I can find a corner and a desk to do some of my work.

I commit myself to settle down and be here with the conference - I commit myself to do one thing at a time and stop worrying about all the other things I have to do.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I get a comfortable seat on the train and can work there.

I commit myself to plan and execute my day from 'reality' rather than from my mind.


Backchat:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to state that I must find a way to do a better job in working while mobile.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself a pep talk to encourage myself to find the time to do some writing somewhere at the conference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to - as a result of this pep talk- convince myself that all is well because now I have a plan to work in a specific manner.


I commit myself to stop my backchat through breathing and making myself aware of the physical surrounding I am in. If and when backchat surfaces I stop listening and breathe.


Reactions:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get upset because none of my projections have worked out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry because my plans have been interrupted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as impatient and absent from what his here.

I commit myself to focus on breathing if and when reactions surface.


Physical:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my solar plexus area as tense, tight and in pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tighten up my lips so as to better control myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move my hands in a nervous manner.

I commit myself to relax my body and stop my automated behaviours by bringing awareness into my body.


Consequences:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that by worrying about whether I get to other stuff I am preoccupied and exist in my mind instead of existing here in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I might as well not be at the conference or anywhere else when I allow myself to project myself elsewhere, doing something else -and not participate in the reality that I am physically situated in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that it is always my choice to be here in every moment and no routine can save me from myself.

I commit myself to living and existing in my physical reality and stop all fears, worries, and thoughts and live the decision I have made to be where I am, in every moment of breath.

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