Friday, November 16, 2012

Day 201, 2012 Social relations: giving back what I received.



Over the past few days I went to a conference. This post as well as the next couple of posts are dealing with this topic and how I experienced myself during these days.

This first topic is about an exchange of services. I was granted free access to the conference in exchange for writing a report on the conference presentations and discussions. What I faced within this was my insecurity of not knowing what would be acceptable or expected as effort on my side of the contribution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am unfamiliar with the exchange of services - my service versus another service - and use this as an excuse to not take responsibility. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that in my relationship of "services rendered", I am comfortable with numbers but revert to the "I don't know" character with regards to estimating how to equate my efforts within a situation where I must establish a fair give-and-take.

I commit myself to stop the “I don’t know” character and learn to take responsibility for my actions, including the learning of making accurate assessments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can estimate the monetary value regarding the ‘value for money’ ratio, not realising that this is directly linked to what the system has prescribed as 'appropriate', and that I have accepted these prescriptions when I evaluate anything.

I commit myself to make myself aware of how I have trapped myself within the beliefs I have in relations to money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that "I don't know" how to deal with this situation when in actuality I do not trust myself to assess in common sense a fair exchange for my efforts, and thus enter into a polarity where I experience myself as inferior.

I commit myself to take daily steps to learn to trust myself completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in the "I don't know" character - because I do not want to face my responsibility in returning the service freely given to me - because then I have to stand up to the consequences of what I identified as enough effort/quality in this context - and in this I fear not pleasing my exchange partner.

I commit myself to face myself within the consequences of my decisions.


Fears:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not fulfilling someone else' expectation of when there is an exchange of services.

I commit myself to stop my expectations, and thus I stop myself from projecting that others place expectations on me.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I do not know the social rules in relation to an exchange of services, and thus do not trust myself to put myself in the shoes of my exchange partner to understand what would be a fair exchange.

I commit myself to use common sense in all situations and stop wanting to know the rules - as excuse for not trusting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this situation, and thus believe that if I 'give an arm and a leg' then things will be alright - and by doing so I clearly put myself into an inferior position where I have to make sure that I exceed another’s expectations - in order to "make up" for someone else' good will.

I commit myself to stop all self-abuse by uncovering and facing myself in all the areas where I abuse myself because I am acting from a place of inferiority.

Thoughts:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought where the person who sponsored my conference pass is disappointed and does not really want to speak with me again.

I commit myself to stop my beliefs in ‘worst case’ scenarios.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought of me standing there face-to-face in conversation with the person who sponsored my conference pass, and having to endure this false friendliness where I can sense that something is wrong but nothing is spoken out loud.

I commit myself to speak up and ask for clarification in all situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought where I regret that I did not try harder to do a better job in reciprocating the favor with my work offered, and thus get stuck in self-diminishment.

I commit myself to clear my starting point on my own but also in conjunction with another by creating a clear understanding between myself and the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought that I have missed a once in a life time opportunity, and won't have a second chance because there are not that many people around who have this sort of influence/authority/network in the country I live in.

I commit myself to stop acting from a place of scarcity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought where I believe that I did a great job writing the report - but in conversation with my exchange partner, I am told that what I wrote is worthless.

I commit myself to stop devaluing my work.


Imagination:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I will have future dealings with my sponsor where everything is fine and we get the opportunity to work on projects together.

I commit myself to stop to place expectations on others as well as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that my connection with my sponsor propels me into a new environment, where I can do exactly that which I would like to do professionally.

I commit myself to eradicate all pictures I have of myself and stop living up to the picture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to the other person who was also writing a report, and try to measure my efforts against hers instead of me deciding to walk my own decisions.

I commit myself to learn to stand on my own without competition and comparison - by directing myself breath-by-breath.



Backchat:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about my sponsor and therefore interpret her facial expressions as disapproval of how I fulfilled the tasks she assigned to me.

I commit myself to stop creating interpretations of pictures and use them as mindfucks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about my sponsor where I question her intention about giving me access to the conference.

I commit myself to learn to trust myself and in doing so stop my suspicion towards others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about my sponsor observing me during the conference, to identify if I was working hard.

I commit myself to stop believing in my backchat.



Reactions:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react by not looking at my sponsor when she crossed my path during the conference so that I avoided eye contact with her.

I commit myself to stop my reactions of not wanting to look another into the eye.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react by being extra friendly to her as way to show my appreciation.

I commit myself to stop myself from feeling guilty and take responsibility for my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react by trying to get out of the way, to make sure that I don't cause any problems.

I commit myself to stop self-diminishment by stopping self-judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of sitting in the car with my family where my mother is yelling at me to get out of the line of sight because my father is backing up and needs to see into the rear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a memory of sitting in the car with my family where my mother is yelling at me to get out of the line of sight because my father is backing up and needs to see into the rear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “me as a problem” within the memory of sitting in the car with my family where my mother is yelling at me to get out of the line of sight because my father is backing up and needs to see into the rear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from “me as a problem” by defining “me as a problem” within a memory of sitting in the car with my family where my mother is yelling at me to get out of the line of sight because my father is backing up and needs to see into the rear, in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that “me as a problem” is here as me, equal and one to all that is here in ever moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself to have taken it personal when my mother yelled at me because I was not moving out of the way quickly enough so that my father could see into the rear, and thus I have programmed myself to believe that “I am” the problem instead of realising that there was no problem at all only the momentary obstruction of my father’s view.



Physical:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react by trying to make myself physically smaller because I did not want to be noticed by my sponsor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as slightly hunched over

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to contract my stomach muscles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lower my voice when I speak.


Consequence:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I diminish myself when I do not trust myself and take responsibility for assessing the value of my work in common sense, and therefore have an understanding of the effort I need to put forth to create a balance between the ‘give and take’ in this situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that when I exist in fear I will always make decisions in polarisation and thus remain trapped in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obscure any common sense approach because I allow myself to act from an emotional state.

I commit myself to place myself in other, similar situations and walk these points in breath, one-by-one until it’s done.

I commit myself to realise that self-responsibility comes with every decision I make, and in that I actively participate in directing myself.

I commit myself to strip away all layers of delusion and emotions until I can make any decision from the starting point of what is best for all and walk the solution in common sense.  

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