Friday, November 2, 2012

Day 188, 2012 Dissolving the 1-click approach to life: declaration of the end

In the past weeks I have seen an emotional pattern returning and have finally realised the underlying character who motivates these emotions. While walking the characters who 'takes things personal' and 'not 'feeling' good enough', I have now realised how these overlay in a third character.

The third one is the character who places conditions on my life, the one who does not really live here in this moment but in the future. The 'part' that is the I, who hovers over the ground, feet just above the ground, the character who is driven to make this one point come into being, to make the promise come true to finally l i v e. All this takes place with me realising that I am deluding myself. On the contrary, I realise that this character is based a) on my desires and b) on an external event to fulfil the desire. Clearly, it all comes back to ego and the picture I have of myself of which I refuse to let go.

The reason for this is that I mirror within myself that which I was programmed to do as a child, to place conditions on myself to then allow myself to be worthy, to be content, to able to have a life, to be able to be creative, to be able to do anything if and when this one condition, this one desire is fulfilled - then everything in my life changes. This character is frazzled and embroiled with setups of sabotage, expectation, disappointment, and desperation, but equally signing up for courage, resolution, and determination.

It's the ultimate polarised character that runs our world when we want to fly to outer space and look for life on the moon instead of having a hard look at what is happening to life here; when we think of sustainable energies as the one missing solution to world problems; or the next presidential candidate that's going to stop unemployment - in short, that one solution that will in one click make earth a better place to be - all we have to do is get there. What we are not seeing is that to let go of this character is the only solution because then we can see what is really here, what is left when nothing is seen through the 'desire' lens any more - when we see things within ourselves for what they are we change it, because there is no other point left to tackle.

I have had enough of this character. I want to live here in this moment because this moment is all I have anyway. I stop holding myself back from myself and walk this character until it's done.

The character fears:

being doomed

being without options

being without patience

being incompetent/incapable

being not disciplined

being unable to see the obvious

being unprepared

being not practical

being too frivolous

being not responsible

being influenced by others

being not able to change

being unreliable

being unpredictable

being not cautious

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being doomed if and when I do not find a way to fulfil this one point in my life, then I can never be whole - and I will end up in the worst possible place losing everything that is important to me.

I realise that any speculation on how my future will unfold is total sabotage because the mind has no perspective on reality, what concerns the future or even on the understanding of how the future can possibly unfold without understanding the underlying programs. Within self-honesty comes 'in' sight, that which we call the future and the accumulated reality that is awaiting us.

I commit myself to stop allowing myself to see the future as polarised fragments - if and when I experience the fear of being doomed, I realise that I am here in this world part of the whole of this world, and that I have the resources to support myself in the future by focussing on what is here in the presence - I will practically sit down and focus on breathing and I say loud "I accept myself" "I trust myself".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having no options because if this one point does not get crossed of my list I have no options as I will be unable to figure out what to do.

I commit myself to stop seeing my life as palette of options and realise that options is what I create from the point of desire and the belief in a choice - if and when I experience myself in the fear of having no options, I remind myself that I have a commitment to walk out of my mind, and that all ideas of options are a form of self-manipulation that I can stop in one breath. Practically I say out: "all what is here is equal and I am one of those equal parts walking my process in the service of life".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I do not have the patience to make this one point happen and that I react with giving up too quickly instead of sticking to the point and 'working' it until it gets done.

I realise that there is only one aspect to patience which is to learn to breathe here mindlessly.

I commit myself to slow myself down and render my awareness available to myself in my body where I connect with my environment. I practically do this by sensing my butt sitting on the chair, my finger tips typing on the keyboard, and my feet touching the floor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am lacking competence in one way or another in order to get this one point materialised, in that I have overlooked a skill or a way to approach this point because I do not have the ability or capacity to understand the content of this skill - hence I am blind to the competence needed.

I realise that competence is relative and that there is competence in everyone equally to walk their process.

I commit myself to create a map of myself where I indicate the skills I have and the skills I can develop and within that I work from common sense to assess what I have accumulated realistically, and work from this map as guidance so that I can refer to it if and when the fear of lacking competence overcomes me.

To be continued in the next post of this blog. 


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