Monday, October 29, 2012

Day 184, 2012 Never good enough: react to be better

In this post I continue to deconstruct the "I am not good enough" character. This series of posts began with day 179, and in this post I focus on the reaction dimension.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as the "I am not good enough" character and in that I generate feelings of diminishment, of being small, helpless - where I can barely perceive myself in the situation I find myself in, where the task in front of me is so much bigger than I, so that I shrivel away to become imperceptible even to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in response to reading, seeing, and/or listening to something or someone, where I can respond, yet I don't respond from clarity but from a place where I hold back - where I take a moment to consider how I can relate through expressing myself from the place where it is good enough through writing, speaking, creating - and in this very moment I start to hesitate followed by 'freezing' in mid-action to re-consider what I am about to do from the point of self-judgement and the imaginary consequences - and as a result I stop myself mid-way and reverse my action to not finish what I am about to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to respond to a topic/question/insight/skill, where I am looking at this from a place not as an equal but from sitting on a 'fence' looking in because I am not trusting myself to be able to contribute to what is being said/done/proposed/created as I do not see the value that my contribution can make - instead I listen to the voices in my head which are justifying for me why it is important to play safe and withdraw and stop making a contribution to the scene/situation/topic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that holding myself back in mid-action is then suppressing myself - which accumulates inside of me where I allow myself in the future to continuously suppress myself because I have habituated myself in this automated mechanism to listen to the voices in my head when I stop myself in mid-action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I am not looking at my actions from the point of "what is my motivation here to respond/act?" - but from the point of "my contribution is not valuable in the context of xyz", whereby I recognise the difference between these two scenarios by the emotions that arise within me, where I am mostly 'animated' by how 'undermined' I feel in the latter case- when, on the other hand, I am looking at my motivation in self-honesty - why I do what I do - I do not have an emotional reaction but rather gain insight into my automated ' inner workings'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself from 'playing' the "I am not good enough" character in situations where I have to respond on the spot, where I am unable to retract in mid-action, but instead I lose myself within a web of emotions, of feeling not up to scratch so that this becomes my main focus: to hide from others the way that I am feeling about myself and what I have to do/act/react upon in this moment - and in doing this I totally obscure the entire point because I am only focussed on my emotions and this is how I create the fuck up I try to avoid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to others as the "I am not good enough" character where I am trying to 'fit' in and not to 'stick' out by making adjustments to what I am about to say, do, or create from the point of comparison instead of being clear within myself - I first assess what has been done previously to model my contribution as useful and justified.

I commit myself to take note of the moments where I am stopping myself in mid-action, and in awareness gently stir myself by breathing and letting the voices in my head pass by, realising that this what they are - just voices- that I can chose to not believe or engage with them, and within that I can pause myself and then clear myself to centre my starting point within myself by equally standing to the situation, and from this place I respond/act/create.

I commit myself to recognise the moment when I am experiencing myself as intimated by a situation/scenario/topic, and instead of hiding from the moment, I stop my interactions so that I can take a moment and clear myself - whereby I realise that it's perfectly OK to do that - I then take this moment to breathe deeply and realise that I have given into believing my thoughts - and once I am clear and 'reset' to awareness in breath - I continue participating with the scenario/situation/topic.

I commit myself to develop self-trust in how I interact in the world, and in the first instance develop communication through clarity - meaning that I act/respond/contribute from the point within myself that is clear on the topic/situation/scenario - and from this point of clarity I interact using my breath to guide me - and simply do not respond/act/create when I am not clear. I realise within that this is specific to situations where I am not creating to gain clarity through a process of interaction, as in writing myself out in self-honesty where clarity comes through writing - but in situations where I am interacting with others and I make a contribution through my part.

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