Thursday, October 25, 2012

Day 181,2012 Never good enough: What was I thinking?

This post is a continuation from my last post in the series of posts deconstructing the "I am not good enough" character. Here I am addressing the thought dimension.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have one thought in my mind in relation to what I am doing or about to do where I am failing, struggling, fighting to complete, to finish or succeed in my work, task or activity, and within that thought I identify myself as who I am, whereas I do not give myself the opportunity to begin and proceed that which I set out to do, instead I focus from the onset on failure, incompletion - that I have missed the objective, have not understood the objective, have taken too long to complete the objective - and finally as result I have shown myself that I am not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of me sitting on my desk for hours, stuck on the same task because I am not understanding what I need to do, or how I need to do it because I am not good enough. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of me standing in front of a crowd and holding a microphone about to give a talk and not knowing what to say because I am not good enough at giving talks. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of myself where I hand some papers in, at some important either learning or testing situation, and the person looking at the papers is shaking their head, and looking at me with sad eyes, and is communicating to me that this is not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of me standing in a class room teaching and seeing all the students' faces with frowns on them because they cannot understand what I am talking about because my explanations are not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of myself talking with someone, and they repeatedly ask me to clarify what I am saying, because I am not explaining myself good enough. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of me starting to write out a point in self-honesty and seeing myself finishing up my writing, and afterwards re-reading what I have written and realising that I missed many points because I am not good enough at process. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of me standing in a row with many other people for some sort of selection, and one person after the other is being called by their name, and after hours of this going on I am left with a few others as we did not make the cut - we were not good enough. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of myself applying for a job and receiving a notice that I was not selected because my work was not good enough. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of myself talking to my partner and he shaking his head repeatedly to what I say and keeps on saying "that's not good enough".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of me sitting at a table and being distressed because everything I try does not work out - because I am not good enough. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of me wanting to start my yoga session but being so distracted that I walk out of the room because I am not good enough in keeping the focus on the task at hand. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of me where I try to configure some electronic equipment and am not able to make it work because I am not good enough in understanding how the components fit together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of me where I am trying to compose a song and am having difficulty hearing my composition because it is barely audible as I am not good enough at composing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of me where I am writing a paper for one of the best journals but the paper does not make the peer review because the paper was not good enough. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of me where I am collaborating to write a paper but we do not move forward in our efforts because I am not good enough in directing the efforts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of me where I try to work on one of my ideas but fail because I am taking too long, or because I have other things that come and interrupt me, or I am facing too many technical problems - because I am not good enough at managing the translation of the idea into physical reality. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture of myself where I am crawling up a hill on my hands and feet, sweating, dirty and exhausted, never reaching the top because I am not good enough.

I commit myself to if and when I am getting frustrated with myself  because I am creating the "I am not good enough" character I stop  myself, I slow down and breathe, whereby I render myself physically into the physical reality so that I am aware of my body and me being in this physical reality, thoughtless, self-directed, completing the task in simplicity.

I commit myself to stop all pictures/thoughts related to the act of starting something new, where I identify myself with not being good enough to get the task/activity done in the best possible manner.

I commit myself to breathe and clear my starting point every time I start something new so that I am not allowing for the million-miles-a-second thought blitz in my mind to create a belief that I am not able to create what I intend because I am not good enough.

I commit myself to stop all jeopardising manoeuvres where I am creating the outcome of a situation based on the belief that I am not good enough.

I commit myself to acknowledge that I am the one who is in charge of what I create and therefore I am the one to take responsibility for ending this character.



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