Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Day 179, 2012 Never good enough: Fear & self-acceptance.




In this post and the posts to come, I will deconstruct the "I am not good enough" character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not good enough to receive all that is here in this world and that I first must prove myself to be worthy of the value that is given to each object and activity in this world - and that I can only prove myself by constantly working towards a betterment from the perspective of performance: where I improve my studies, improve my skills, improve my knowledge, improve my relationships, improve my work habits, improve my body and appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that this fear is a constant companion and that no matter how much I try to better myself and to meet the expectation of the world around me - as I perceive them and impose on others as well - there is no end to this fear of not being good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being good enough and within that I perceive everyone else as being so much better than me, which starts a cycle of self-defeat where I allow myself give into resistances that lead to cancellation of me participating in the various ways in group activities and societal endeavours, because I fear from the onset that I am not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being good enough and thus I do not deserve to have a comfortable life but must be plagued by insecurities always only with the potentialities of having a comfortable life as long as I can fight against not being good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the "I am not good enough" character which hovers over me like a cloud and penetrates all aspects of my life, leading me to fear myself and give up on trusting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being good enough and within that I realise that this fear has become me - it is a wall that keeps me from getting to know myself and keeps me from developing an intimate relationship with myself, because as soon as I start looking into myself the wall of "I am not good enough" hits me and I give up on going past this wall and finding out who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself freely because when I do I immediately check how others receive what I am expressing, and in this I start judging myself as not being good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others because I fear that they find out that I am not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that to 'not fear' is simply to trust myself and to stop judging myself which is the first step to stop running in the cycle of doing and creating and at the same time never creating anything that is from the source that is Self but only creating from the fear that I have to be better than what I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that self-trust is to close the gap that I create between myself and the world around me, where I stand in opposition of all that is here and while maintaining this opposite stance, at the same time, I lower myself into a place so that, as a result, all that is beyond the gap becomes unreachable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that fearing not being good enough is a selfish character because it means in real terms that I do not have to take responsibility because I don't count, as I am not good enough, and in that I deny being a participant in creating this system, this world we live in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the fear of not being good enough is a character I play, which is not real but which keeps conforming to others as I am struggling to be validated by others to be good enough, and in doing so I reiterate all the abuse, manipulation and corruption in the entire world instead of standing up as a Self that sees that things must change and that this starts with me accepting that I am good enough and that I am equally responsible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being good enough because I have programmed myself since childhood to believe that my parents were right in assessing that I wasn't good enough and that I now can blame my parents for having developed the character "I am not good enough".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others because at every encounter, when meeting a new person, I must stand my ground by keeping the fear "I am not good enough" to a minimum, and thus I have programmed myself to avoid meeting lots of new people which impacts situations where I am in need to go out into the world and meet new people - and so I struggle by creating an inner conflict and to overcome my resistances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to develop my ideas because I fear I am not good enough so that it will take a lot of time to get anywhere, and I will end up wasting my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear learning skills I'd like to learn because I fear that I am not good enough to learn these skills, and that I will struggle and that it will take ages for me to get anywhere, and thus I fear wasting my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not enough as a partner in my agreement, and that one day I will be presented with the consequence of not being good enough as agreement partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not good enough to make it in academia and that as a result I will not make good money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe at times that i am not good enough to walk out of my mind and become life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not good enough to change myself and thus change the world so it becomes and is best for all.

In the next post I will write the commitment statements.  

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